since i saw your smile

[CdnReader]

.

since i saw your smile
i've been drenched in a warm mist,
embraced by
raindrops and warm overcoats
yellow tulips in crystal vases
dreamy drapes of silk and tulle

since you touched me
i've become aware of
wintry crystalline visions
of an incomplete past
full of emotional shadows
that only exist separate from me

.
cdn/10mar07
.

[Granny5]

.

since i saw your smile
i've been drenched in a warm mist,
embraced by
raindrops and warm overcoats
yellow tulips in crystal vases
dreamy drapes of silk and tulle

since you touched me
i've been made aware of
wintry crystalline visions
of an incomplete past
full of emotional shadows
that only exist separate from me


cdn/10mar07
.

They just keep coming and getting better and better. This is Great! I only wish I could express myself so beautifully.

[TheFifthElement]

I like this CdnReader, apart from this section:


since you touched me
i've been made aware of
wintry crystalline visions

specifically 'I've been made aware of', which seems to cold and passive a statement in what is otherwise a very emotive poem. I appreciate with the repetition of 'I've been...' it's difficult to do anything else, but if you were prepared to remove the repeat then 'I've become aware..' may work better, or may not, whichever you prefer.

I love the image of 'raindrops and warm overcoats', and the yellow tulips, which give it the impression of seeing the extraordinary in the otherwise ordinary, which is something special.

[CdnReader]

Thanks so much, Granny. I love all your stuff too, you know!!! :)

Fifth!! I love that line! Thank you so much.... ! (off to edit)

[PrinceMyshkin]

.

since i saw your smile
i've been drenched in a warm mist,
embraced by
raindrops and warm overcoats
yellow tulips in crystal vases
dreamy drapes of silk and tulle

since you touched me
i've become aware of
wintry crystalline visions
of an incomplete past
full of emotional shadows
that only exist separate from me

.
cdn/10mar07
.

How lovely! I think the title/opening line alone was worth the price of admission!

Something about that last line, though, seemns a bit klunky to me...

[motherhubbard]

very nice Cdn, I haven't been able to read much lately and I'm glad I didn't miss his one

[CdnReader]

Something about that last line, though, seemns a bit klunky to me...

Hmmm..... Lemme think on that, PM. THANKS!!

[CdnReader]

Oh, thank you so much, MH. As much as I try, I don't always have the time to read everyone's work either. I'm glad you stopped in. And just in time for the re-write too! *grin*

OK.... I've reworked the second stanza a bit..... Any further feedback?



.
since i saw your smile
i've been drenched in a warm mist,
embraced by
raindrops and warm overcoats
yellow tulips in crystal vases
dreamy drapes of silk and tulle

since you touched me
i've become aware
of wintry crystalline visions...
emotional shadows
from an incomplete past
now set free
.

[motherhubbard]

Oh, that is much better! I really like that

[CdnReader]

Cool! Thanks! :D

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh, thank you so much, MH. As much as I try, I don't always have the time to read everyone's work either. I'm glad you stopped in. And just in time for the re-write too! *grin*

OK.... I've reworked the second stanza a bit..... Any further feedback?

Yes, it's 237 times better now.

[CdnReader]

237 thank you's, Jer. :)