Lay Your Head

[TheFifthElement]

This is overtly sentimental, for which I heartily apologise. Perhaps I have been reading too much Yeats.



Lay your Head

When the dusk has swept away
the last light of the day, and paints
a quiet shade over the sleepy sky;
rest your head upon my knee,
and I will sing the songs my
mother sang to me
when I was young, and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.
Let my blood speak to your blood,
just as the oceans whisper to
the sea; let my secrets flow into
your veins from mine.
So that one day you will dream
of a girl that rests her head upon
your knee, and listens to the songs
my mother sang to me
when I was young, and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.

[ampoule]

Well....I like sentimental and I liked this.

[littlewing53]

...lovely...

[AuntShecky]

I don't see the Yeats allusion, unless you were thinking about a line in his poem"When You Are Old."
And by the bye, remember "Crazy Jane Talks to the Bishop?" Where does Love "pitch its mansion"?
Unlike Yeats, your verse evokes a sentiment less rarified. (I do like the quip about the two languages you speak. But I am willing to bet that in your case it is not true.)

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you littlewing and ampoule.

Aunt Shecky - thank you for your kind words. In fact you're right in thinking of 'when you are old' which was the poem I was thinking of when this one came to me. There is a strange disparity in Yeats, but then I tend to lean towards his softer, more openly gaelic works such as When you are Old, He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, The Lake Isle of Innisfree, and the like.

The quip about the languages is a line from the film from which I take my name! I owe it all to Bruce Willis!

Thank you again.

[Granny5]

This is overtly sentimental, for which I heartily apologise. Perhaps I have been reading too much Yeats.



Lay your Head

When the dusk has swept away
the last light of the day, and paints
a quiet shade over the sleepy sky;
rest your head upon my knee,
and I will sing the songs my
mother sang to me
when I was young, and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.
Let my blood speak to your blood,
just as the oceans whisper to
the sea; let my secrets flow into
your veins from mine.
So that one day you will dream
of a girl that rests her head upon
your knee, and listens to the songs
my mother sang to me
when I was young, and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.



This is so heartwarming and pleasant to read. It reminds me of my Grandma and the tunes she used to sing to me. She would help me get to sleep when I would stay the night at the farm. Nothing is as comforting as a quiet song and a loving hand on ones head, no matter what age. It's really beautiful.

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you Granny5 - that's exactly the picture I wanted to create.

That being said, I've slightly altered it so as to relieve the flow a little. Let me know which version you prefer.

When the dusk has swept away
the last light of the day, and paints
a quiet shade over the sleepy sky;
rest your head upon my knee,
and I will sing the songs my
mother sang to me
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.
Let my blood speak to your blood,
just as the oceans whisper to
the sea; let the secrets flow into
your veins from mine.
So that somewhere in your dreams
a girl will rest her head upon
your knee to hear the songs
my mother sang to me,
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.

[firefangled]

Thank you Granny5 - that's exactly the picture I wanted to create.

That being said, I've slightly altered it so as to relieve the flow a little. Let me know which version you prefer.

When the dusk has swept away
the last light of the day, and paints
a quiet shade over the sleepy sky;
rest your head upon my knee,
and I will sing the songs my
mother sang to me
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.
Let my blood speak to your blood,
just as the oceans whisper to
the sea; let the secrets flow into
your veins from mine.
So that somewhere in your dreams
a girl will rest her head upon
your knee to hear the songs
my mother sang to me,
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.

This is the better version. The flow is slightly improved. I did not mind the allusion to Yeats in the rhythm. Had you not mentioned Yeats before hand it would have still been evident by the fourth or fifth line in the words that you chose. Allusion for me is very enjoyable when it is done subtly like this, but not too subtle. This is very well written and the technique works without showing its hand right away. I agree with AuntShecky about the language quip. It has been a little mysterious to me since you showed up here writing poems that obviously show a deftness with language.

Now about your avatar Lilu Dallas....hand over your multipass!

[Pendragon]

I like your style. This is the type of poetry the world doesn't get enough of anymore. Light, gentle, soothing.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Bravo.gif

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you firefangled and Pen

[TheFifthElement]

So, I've done a bit more work on the rhythm,and tidied it up a bit in the middle, but I'm not sure if I've cut it too much. Let me know what you think.


Lay your Head

When the dusk has swept away
the last light of the day, and paints
a quiet shade over the sleepy sky;
rest your head upon my knee,
and I will sing the songs my
mother sang to me
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.
My blood speaks to your blood,
just as the ocean whispers to
the sea; the secret flows into
your veins from mine.
So that somewhere in your dreams
a girl will rest her head upon
your knee, to hear the songs
my mother sang to me
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.

[firefangled]

So, I've done a bit more work on the rhythm,and tidied it up a bit in the middle, but I'm not sure if I've cut it too much. Let me know what you think.


Lay your Head

When the dusk has swept away
the last light of the day, and paints
a quiet shade over the sleepy sky;
rest your head upon my knee,
and I will sing the songs my
mother sang to me
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.
My blood speaks to your blood,
just as the ocean whispers to
the sea; the secret flows into
your veins from mine.
So that somewhere in your dreams
a girl will rest her head upon
your knee, to hear the songs
my mother sang to me
when I was young and tired,
and laid my head upon her knee.

FE, this is perfect in its tone. The poem is deceptively simple as an excellent poem should be. However, you have done a difficult thing, which is physically moved the words and meaning along like the blood in the veins of which you write. For that reason, I would pause no longer than a comma after the word mine. You have one perfect period placed at the poems transition, no other is necessary.

...the secret flows into/your veins from mine,/so that somwhere in your dreams.../

Excellent!

[TheFifthElement]

FE, this is perfect in its tone. The poem is deceptively simple as an excellent poem should be. However, you have done a difficult thing, which is physically moved the words and meaning along like the blood in the veins of which you write. For that reason, I would pause no longer than a comma after the word mine. You have one perfect period placed at the poems transition, no other is necessary.

...the secret flows into/your veins from mine,/so that somwhere in your dreams.../

Excellent!

Thank you so much firefangled, for your input. I really do appreciate it very much. :)