I am back noboby missed me : New poetry

[brokenheartpoet]

I am back but seeing that no one missed me But I would like to introduce you to some of my new poetry I am glad to have your comments from the past and look forward to more So here my poem: You : Pain Friendship Two words that are merely words , meaning so much Two broken hearts Pain deeper than wounds themselves Why would you risk such a great friendship It goes through my corridor of a mind But, you seem not to care what I feel anymore So, why even let my feelings in a twisted web Put this in the back of your mind Bottle them up Do not look at those beautiful eyes of crystal blue waterfall , so perfectly made

[PrinceMyshkin]

It seemed to me to ramble a bit to begin with, and I've never liked the sort of tennis serve kind of opening where the poet sort of throws the ball high


Pain Friendship

And then the reader has no choice but to watch it come within reach of his racquet so that he can whack it across the net!

It got maximally interesting to me here:


Put this in the back of your mind Bottle them up Do not look at those beautiful eyes of crystal blue waterfall , so perfectly made

[kiz_paws]

I am back but seeing that no one missed me

Ummm, I am not sure I met you before, so how could I have missed you. Anyhow, glad to meet your acquaintence. :)


Do not look at those beautiful eyes of crystal blue waterfall , so perfectly made

Loved it!

[Pendragon]

I wondered where you were. I still have trouble with that type of poem. It seems more of a paragraph than a poem to me.

Pen

[brokenheartpoet]

Pain Friendship Two words that are merely words , meaning so much Two broken hearts Pain deeper than wounds they both share Why would you risk such a great friendship It goes through my corridor of a mind But, you seem not to care what I feel anymore So, why even let my feelings get in a twisted web Put this in back of your mind Do not have these feelings Bottle them up Do not let those beautiful blue eyes of crystal waterfall, trick you

Thanks Kiz paws an I am glad to have you give me such a comment and Pendragon , you are a hard person to please but hey isn't it better Princemy shkin I am sorry I will improve will all your guys help look at my revison please all of you

[Pendragon]

Yes, the revision is better, but you really need punctuation in there. We have no idea where the poem should pause when reading it, which makes it difficult to read. Otherwise, the poem is solid enough poetry, and something different, which is perhaps unique to you. Good show, but put in the punctuation!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/BonApitite.gif

[brokenheartpoet]

Pain Friendship Two words that are merely words ,meaning so much. Two broken hearts Pain deeper than wounds they both share. Why would you risk such a great friendship ? It goes through my corridor of a mind . But, you seem not to care what I feel,anymore. So, why even let my feelings get in a twisted web . Put this in the back of your mind! Do not have these feelings ! Bottle them up . Do not let those beautiful blue eyes of crystal waterfall , trick you!

hope you like it with the puncation , Pendragon Yes , I feel it unique to me , pendragon

[kiz_paws]

! .... ummm, well I may not be popular to say this, but I rather enjoyed the prose without the punctuation. It was part of the flow, the style, the raw-ness (if that is a word?). But it is your prose, to do with it as you wish.

If I was writing in this style, I'd let my pen flow and flow and not worry about the breaks and irregularities -- it is really a part of the charm.

So that was my two cents worth. :)

[brokenheartpoet]

k, well I like better that way too so I rewrite in my journal like that