"Among the Boulders" brand new poem - please comment!

[SleepyWitch]

here's a new poem I've just written.
please be mean and nasty :)
THANKS




Among the boulders

head – purplish-grey heather
scratchy cushion – tickles – neck

back – sweaty – pricey shirt – clings
figertips exploring – dusty earth
feeling – sand – dry – grains
on top – wet underneath
distant bleating: children and sheep

where once the scouring glaciers
scarred the rocks with hair-thin grooves,
basal-sliding, flowing, melting,
washed up debris of the past,
where once the creeping glaciers slid
he lies among the boulders

and the unrelenting sky
sears with blue, too blue for itself,
too much, swollen, a blaze of blue
like eyes
too bright for itself, it casts around
it needs to share, inflict,
paste on its blue,
about to burst

he drinks it all in
unfocused, unblinking
between breaths
and listens to the silence inside
throbbing spine
simmering air beats his face
cheeks – neck – arms – toes
bursting blue, like an inner elbow
inflamed with imagined love

want to show
want to show these hills this sky
want to show this to someone
anyone
her
not here; why not?
Why not?

in the heather, purple,
perennial shrub
where once the creeping glaciers slid
he lies among the boulders.
Washed up.
Deposited.

[AuntShecky]

I can see the images. Not sure of the meaning, but that could be just "me."
The only suggestion for changing anything, I would say is to use some other kind of punctuation in the early part of the verse, perhaps substituting commas instead of the dashes.
(The hyphens in "hair-thin" and "basal-sliding" are NOT
distracting, though. )

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Aunt :)
I'll think about the dashes.. I'm kinda like them actually, but if everyone finds them confusing, I'll change them to commas.

why aren't you sure about the meaning?

[stephofthenight]

this is a good poem as far as imagery goes, but im not sure what your trying to say with it, maybe im just not relating and maybe its just 1am stupidness. but im not sure that the meaning is screaming to the reader as it was to the author i shall re read this tommrow and try and think on it and what it means, great imagery thou.
steph

[SleepyWitch]

this is a good poem as far as imagery goes, but im not sure what your trying to say with it, maybe im just not relating and maybe its just 1am stupidness. but im not sure that the meaning is screaming to the reader as it was to the author i shall re read this tommrow and try and think on it and what it means, great imagery thou.
steph

thanks steph... hm... ok, well, maybe it doesn't really have all that much meaning.. at least it doesn't really have a plot, it's just the description of a scene

[blp]

Commenting quickly, sw, but just wanted to say, I like it.

Probably just me, but I find your signature terribly distracting. Can't we just have the words? Especially when they seem to be getting better all the time, while that silly picture from Harry Potter just stays just as... sorry, ranting. But also, come on, you don't need to say 'please comment'. You know we're going to.

[Granny5]

Lots of imagery and energy. It reminds me of the "beat" movement. I feel like it should be read by the poet in a small, smoky coffee house.

[Pendragon]

OK. Here is the image I get. The guy has fallen while hiking a semi-dangerous trail and is dying, not quite gone, lying among the stone of a glacieral wash beginging to fade out to black. I cannot find fault with your poem. That is just the imagery meaning I get. I have said before and will say again, poetry is a Rorschach Test. Everyone comes away with a slightly different meaning.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[SleepyWitch]

Commenting quickly, sw, but just wanted to say, I like it.

Probably just me, but I find your signature terribly distracting. Can't we just have the words? Especially when they seem to be getting better all the time, while that silly picture from Harry Potter just stays just as... sorry, ranting. But also, come on, you don't need to say 'please comment'. You know we're going to.

done, I've removed my sig.


Heehee, Uncle Pen, Rorscharch test indeed. :) I don't think he's dying, just taking a lie-down, but if that how you interpret it that's fine with me :)

[Pensive]

Good poem! It's making my brain to create stories which can fit the scenery.


done, I've removed my sig.


Heehee, Uncle Pen, Rorscharch test indeed. :) I don't think he's dying, just taking a lie-down, but if that how you interpret it that's fine with me :)

Yeah, I had a kind of interpretion quite similar to that of Pen, amongst some more too. :)

[TheFifthElement]

This was a very enjoyable read, packed with interesting imagery, and open to interpretation (which probably explains the great debate!) I took it as a guy who's gone for a walk, lies down and is overwhelmed by the scenery, wants to share it but can't because he's been dumped 'deposited'. The repetition of certain words was interesting, and I enjoyed the hyphens at the beginning, kind of like he'd walked really fast and was out of breath.

But, you want us to be mean and nasty right? Is there any reason why there are no full stops until the last verse? I think some might be needed earlier on despite the hyphenation and the comma's. I didn't like 'he drinks it all in' at the beginning of verse 5 - it's a cliche'd phrase and out of place in your poem, which is not ordinary in any way. I think the repetition of 'blue' in verse 4 was also a little heavy, but then it also seems deliberate, so it may or may not benefit the poem if you were to cull this a bit.

Not too mean and nasty I hope? It's a great poem, whether or not you decide to make any changes.

[Poppy]

I presume I am really off base here, but my first thought was an Orca or a whale beached among the boulders somewhere in a cold North Sea. Then after reading it again, I suspect Whales don't have toes....:crash:

[SleepyWitch]

Yeah, I had a kind of interpretion quite similar to that of Pen, amongst some more too. :)
hehe, what were the others?



I presume I am really off base here, but my first thought was an Orca or a whale beached among the boulders somewhere in a cold North Sea. Then after reading it again, I suspect Whales don't have toes....
nope, they normally don't :) but Orcas are cute anyway :)



But, you want us to be mean and nasty right? Is there any reason why there are no full stops until the last verse? I think some might be needed earlier on despite the hyphenation and the comma's. I didn't like 'he drinks it all in' at the beginning of verse 5 - it's a cliche'd phrase and out of place in your poem, which is not ordinary in any way. I think the repetition of 'blue' in verse 4 was also a little heavy, but then it also seems deliberate, so it may or may not benefit the poem if you were to cull this a bit.
hey Fifths, thanks for your detailed feedback! :)
what do you mean by clichéd in this case? clichéd like all the roses and moons and stars and birdses and sighs and hearts in a love poem or clichéd as in "it's an everyday word and not very original" ? hehe, sorry if it's a stupid question but I'm not a native speaker and sometimes I don't realize how widespread (=boring) some expressions are.

[TheFifthElement]

hey Fifths, thanks for your detailed feedback! :)
what do you mean by clichéd in this case? clichéd like all the roses and moons and stars and birdses and sighs and hearts in a love poem or clichéd as in "it's an everyday word and not very original" ? hehe, sorry if it's a stupid question but I'm not a native speaker and sometimes I don't realize how widespread (=boring) some expressions are.

In this case I meant 'it's an everyday word and not very original' - the phrase 'drinks it in' is very commonplace. It wasn't a stupid question at all :)

[SleepyWitch]

In this case I meant 'it's an everyday word and not very original' - the phrase 'drinks it in' is very commonplace. It wasn't a stupid question at all :)

ok thanks :) could be worse, then :) i can live with a few everyday words in a poem as long as they don't sound cheesy or soppy, but I'll change it if i can think of something better

[Lote-Tree]

here's a new poem I've just written.
please be mean and nasty :)


Erm Its crap! It's load of dog poo!!! - is that mean and nasty enough Sleepy :-)

Just kiddin :-)

What's it about though ?

[SleepyWitch]

Erm Its crap! It's load of dog poo!!! - is that mean and nasty enough Sleepy :-)

Just kiddin :-)

What's it about though ?

heheh, you guys seem to be obsessed with "meaning" and "about" :D

[Lote-Tree]

heheh, you guys seem to be obsessed with "meaning" and "about" :D

Perhaps we lack it in ourselves so we seek it elsewhere? ;-)

[Schokokeks]

heheh, you guys seem to be obsessed with "meaning" and "about" :D

That's what highschool left us with... "First, write a summary..." :rolleyes:

I like your poem, Sleepy !
Especially the first stanza with the hyphenated words creating a beat/drum-like rhythm. That's my first impression, now I'll have to sleep over it to digest it properly in order to give a more qualified feedback ;). Meanwhile, please write more ! :nod:

[SleepyWitch]

That's what highschool left us with... "First, write a summary..." :rolleyes:

I like your poem, Sleepy !
Especially the first stanza with the hyphenated words creating a beat/drum-like rhythm. That's my first impression, now I'll have to sleep over it to digest it properly in order to give a more qualified feedback ;). Meanwhile, please write more ! :nod:

thanks Schoki. hehe, I haven't checked here a couple of days and when I come back I find a comment by you :) what a nice surprise :)