Human Relationships

[Pensive]

While looking at some pictures of sea, this idea had to strike me and I felt I had to write down this idea in the shape of a poem. Here is this poem which I wrote in about fifteen minutes (perhaps the least time a poem of mine has taken.) :p

I am not sure if it's any good but all your comments/suggestions would be extremely appreciated! :) Yeah, even negative comments. :D


Are not human relationships
Like that of coast and sea?

The thirsty coast needs sea-water
Like the deep sea wants to rest its head, its waves
A part of itself
On coast's shoulder
Both have emotions
Sea when angry sends quick waves
And rocks on the coast resist the water
The fight goes on
Until the waves slow down
The friendly waves then interact
With the coast calmly and lovingly
Caress its rocks, caress the green plants on it
Both can feel each other
But can't be one
Sometimes the whim of getting togethe, of being one
Strikes
Sea-storm comes
Coast doesn't resist it
It also wants to get lost in the sea
In vain
Because:
The barrier between them
Is strong
Is what makes them what they are
They have to be happy with the caress game
With the quarrels and the friendliness too
That's their life
Barrier has to be there
One can't get fully the other
Otherwise why would the sea be called sea
And coast, the coast?
Both need each other
But both need the barrier too

Are not human relationships
Like that of coast and sea?

[Sweets America]

Pensive,
I think that is a very good analogy, well written and described. That is interesting, what you say about the barriers between people, which doesn't impede them to remain together, because they cannot part from each other, and actually need each other.

[white camellia]

I like this one, Pensive. It has the strength within, and beautiful descriptions.

[Pensive]

Thank you very much, Sweets America and white camellia for taking time to read and comment! :) A sincere appreciation means a lot to a writer. :) Even criticism does!

If anyone else also feels like putting her/his two cents worth in the suggestion/criticism/something in this poem, she/he would be more than welcome! :)

[SleepyWitch]

i love the analogy too, Pensy but sometimes it sounds a bit unrythmical (dunno if that's intended?) and you could add a few indefinite articles

[Pendragon]

Good strong imagery, and a power ending. I love the seashore myself and I lost myself in your poem about half way down. It's very good!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[Pensive]

Ahhh you guys are very encouraging. I was expecting people to disagree with the poem's plot as well!


i love the analogy too, Pensy but sometimes it sounds a bit unrythmical (dunno if that's intended?) and you could add a few indefinite articles

Thanks for commenting on the poem as well as reading it, Witch! :) And yes, I did it intentionally. Meant to write in free verse. :)


Good strong imagery, and a power ending. I love the seashore myself and I lost myself in your poem about half way down. It's very good!

Pen

Oh yes, sea-shore is lovely! I wish I can write more about themes relating to it, especially express the beauty of being there which seems to be unexplainable. :p

And hey, thanks for reading and commenting on the poem! :)

[downing]

Lovely poem,Pensive! I really like your point of view. I myself have never thought of this resemblance between peoples' interactions and the coast and sea interaction. Very good!!! And I especially like the fact that the poem starts and ends with the same two verses...that gives it a round shape and it's great! Keep writing,you're great!

[TheFifthElement]

I enjoyed the analogy here, a perceptive point and well made. In terms of the poem, I think it would benefit from punctuation to bring out the flow - I didn't quite understand the reason for the colon after 'Because', which caused me to stop reading while I tried to figure it out, and then I had to go back to the beginning again. Also, I thought the repetition of 'coast' and 'the sea' became a little too much and a bit directive, perhaps because as a reader I could work this out from what you were describing, but that might well just be me being picky.

I loved this part:


Like the deep sea wants to rest its head, its waves
A part of itself
On coast's shoulder

what a lovely image of the sea resting itself on the coastline.

[Pensive]

Lovely poem,Pensive! I really like your point of view. I myself have never thought of this resemblance between peoples' interactions and the coast and sea interaction. Very good!!! And I especially like the fact that the poem starts and ends with the same two verses...that gives it a round shape and it's great! Keep writing,you're great!

Ah these are extremely encouraging words! :)


I enjoyed the analogy here, a perceptive point and well made. In terms of the poem, I think it would benefit from punctuation to bring out the flow - I didn't quite understand the reason for the colon after 'Because', which caused me to stop reading while I tried to figure it out, and then I had to go back to the beginning again. Also, I thought the repetition of 'coast' and 'the sea' became a little too much and a bit directive, perhaps because as a reader I could work this out from what you were describing, but that might well just be me being picky.

You are right about the usage of colon. There is no need to use it here. I am sorry, in hurry (was trying to go along with the flow of thoughts in mind), I didn't pay much attention to it and I really suck at proof-reading. I should better edit it now. Thanks for pointing it out. :)

As for the repetition of 'coast' and 'sea', I couldn't actually help it because I had to separate one from the other...

But thanks a lot for your comments, TheFifthElement and downing! A writer likes to be appreciated for his works, and one like me wants to improve even much more! :)