Splitting the Atom

[TheFifthElement]

It starts with a slight disturbance,
a subtle shift
of the circle in which they dance.

Spinning in synchronous orbit
oblivious
to the machinations of external forces.

Contamination shifts the balance;
their simple
union wobbles out of control.

The grip they thought was unbreakable
explodes apart.
Separation burns with pointless rage.

[blp]

Very good. I wonder if it could use a wee trim.



It starts with a
a subtle shift
of the circle in which they dance.

Spinning in synchronous orbit
oblivious
to external forces.

Contamination shifts the balance;
their simple
union wobbles.

The grip they thought unbreakable
explodes.
Separation burns with pointless rage.

Like the end line a lot.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks blp - I like the changes - always hard to edit your own poems and cut out the unnecessary. I had real trouble with the third verse, but with the trimming it fits quite nicely.

[blp]

It's tricky. In prose I'd always cut out the unnecessary, but sometimes poetry seems to stand a little excess.

[ampoule]

It starts with a slight disturbance,
a subtle shift
of the circle in which they dance.

Spinning in synchronous orbit
oblivious
to the machinations of external forces.

Contamination shifts the balance;
their simple
union wobbles out of control.

The grip they thought was unbreakable
explodes apart.
Separation burns with pointless rage.

Quite a break-up. I like your version the best. I really like this. I wish I had written it. ;)

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you ampoule. :)

[TheFifthElement]

Anyone else?