?

[amuse]

What were
you doing at
the coroner's,
VB
?

I'm starting
to believe
you really
are dead.

[blp]

Hey, amuse. Slipping in almost unnoticed there. Good to see you.

I genuinely love this. Ordinary language made strange with the greatest economy. Magic. The question mark as title works great. Might work to give the one in the poem a line of its own too.

Also, been puzzling over the line breaks in S2 and, finally, tend to wonder if it should be

I'm starting
to believe
you really
are
dead.

Not sure.

The only other thing I'd change is the caps.

[amuse]

Hey, amuse. Slipping in almost unnoticed there. Good to see you.

I genuinely love this. Ordinary language made strange with the greatest economy. Magic. The question mark as title works great. Might work to give the one in the poem a line of its own too.

Also, been puzzling over the line breaks in S2 and, finally, tend to wonder if it should be

I'm starting
to believe
you really
are
dead.

Not sure.

The only other thing I'd change is the caps.

I agree - done!

And good to see you as well, blp. :)

The thing that bothers me about the question mark is how close it is physically to the one in the title. I wasn't sure if I'd like how it having its own line removes the visual tightness of 4 lines per stanza - come to find out, it looks a little jarring and I like that.

re: (see below) I find "dead" a little flat perhpas there, and quieted because of the preceding line. But I had considered writing it like that.

I'm starting
to believe
you really
are
dead.

I wondered - what do you think? - if one doesn't actually know what she was doing at the coroner's, "dead" slipping in after "are" on the same line has a better chance of taking one aback.

I also thought of presenting it like so, but didn't because the three words in one line don't sit well, I think.

I'm starting
to believe
you really are
dead.

Thank you for critiquing!



*She actually is. Hence the magic, perhaps. She was a dear, dear friend.*

[Pendragon]

A eulogy in such a short poem and still says so much? Wow!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[blp]

Oh, sorry, I meant all caps except the ones at the start of each sentence. I think normal grammar works for such (deceptively) straightforward language.

Other than that, I basically think your orignal line breaks for S2 are probably right.

[amuse]

Ah - of course! Thanks for the clarification.

[amuse]

Thank you, Pendragon. I would have failed her utterly had I tried to put more into words...

[kiz_paws]

Beautifully done, amuse. Simplistically powerful. :thumbs_up

[Pensive]

A beautiful poem in a few words saying too much. That's what they call a good work! :)

*edit to add*


amuse's signature: shh!!!
the air and water have been here a long time, and they are telling stories.

Is your signature from Siddharta? Perhaps I am mistaken but I remember reading something like this in this book too. *curious* :)

[amuse]

Is your signature from Siddharta? Perhaps I am mistaken but I remember reading something like this in this book too. *curious* :)I've never read Siddharta; perhaps I should. What a nice coincidence, and perhaps a universal observation.

Thank you, kiz paws and nice to meet you. :nod:

Pensive, I'm glad you liked my dear friend's poem. Thank you, and how've you been?

[Pensive]

I've never read Siddharta; perhaps I should. What a nice coincidence, and perhaps a universal observation.

Yes, it's a good book. Very interesting. I would strongly recommend. :)


Pensive, I'm glad you liked my dear friend's poem. Thank you, and how've you been?

I should be the one to say thanks for showing us such a good poem. :) I have been quite well, thanks for asking. I hope you are doing well too. :)

[amuse]

Yes. :) And how nice to touch base with you again. :)