Roadworks

[TheFifthElement]

The road is an open wound
from which cars bleed.

Coagulating on the surface
until the scab is picked.

They move -
drip,
drip.

The flow is menstrual;
frustration and anger
punctuate.

Workers, like maggots, chew
away rotten flesh.
Sterilising.

Arterial integrity restored,
the suicidal rush resumes.

[ampoule]

You were perhaps stuck in traffic? Very interesting analogy.

Welcome by the way.

[TheFifthElement]

Yes, sometimes it feels like traffic is all there is.

Thank you ampoule for reading.

[TheFifthElement]

Anyone else?.....

[blp]

Nice. I hate cars. Bicycles rule. Well, they should rule.

Main nit would be the 'menstrual' line. It's both very telly and sloppy in that it mixes the metaphor, in that menstruation is not a wound.

[TheFifthElement]

Nice. I hate cars. Bicycles rule. Well, they should rule.

Main nit would be the 'menstrual' line. It's both very telly and sloppy in that it mixes the metaphor, in that menstruation is not a wound.

Thanks blp - the 'menstrual' point is a bit of a moot one - I understand why you might not think it fits. My intention was to reflect the flow, the stop, start, irregularity of it, and the conjuction with erratic hormones which raises the anger level (as happens in a traffic jam!). I appreciate the point though, and, to be honest, that was the part I was most unhappy with.

Thanks for your comments, they are very helpful.

[blp]

I can see the argument for it, especially as a description of a rate of flow. Still, might need work. ;)

[Pendragon]

First, welcome to the mad world of LitNet poets!

I'm gonna have to agree with BLP. The one weak spot in your poem is the word "menstrual". It is natural enough that it should offend no one, so that isn't the problem. It is what BLP said, the drip of blood isn't from a wound, and the woman isn't in need of repair. Yet your next lines and strong finish:



Workers, like maggots, chew
away rotten flesh.
Sterilising.

Arterial integrity restored,
the suicidal rush resumes


indicate that repairs had to be made before the "suicidal rush" (great words there) can continue. You need a wound of some sort that would require a doctor's treatment. Too great a poem to trash for so small a change!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[TheFifthElement]

Thank you Pen for the welcome, and the comments.

Yes, I have something of a dilemma here. I feel that 'menstrual' is an appropriate image, as indicated in my reply to blp, it was more a description of the way a traffic jam flows, and the anger associated with it, as opposed to a literal reflection of the wound - more continuing the image of blood. The danger with reflecting the flow back to the wound metaphor, particularly one requiring a surgeons intervention, is that the flow would be gushing, which wouldn't set the right pace for the traffic jam.

As blp said, still needs a little work. I'm ruminating on it!

Thank you again.

[TheFifthElement]

I have edited. I'm more comfortable with this version. Any views?


The road is an open wound
from which cars bleed.

Coagulating on the surface
until the scab is picked.

They move -
drip,
drip.

A menstrual flow;
heavily -
punctuated.

Workers, like maggots, chew
away rotten flesh,
sterilising.

Arterial integrity restored,
the suicidal rush resumes.


The change is incredibly small! Though on reflection I'm now wondering if I need verse 3 and verse 4?

[blp]

Well, I like drip drip. 'They move' seems incredibly superfluous though. Not sure what 'heavily punctuated' is or is doing.

[TheFifthElement]

Well, I like drip drip. 'They move' seems incredibly superfluous though. Not sure what 'heavily punctuated' is or is doing.

I appreciate your input blp. I've decided to delete the 4th verse entirely, though it grieves me I think it's the right thing to do. What I was getting at with the 'heavily punctuated' was again linked to the flow, the stop, start, stop, start of traffic flow, which is the way that heavily punctuated prose flows. It also alludes back to the colloquial term for menstruation, which in England is referred to as a 'period' which of course is the American term for the full stop. Perhaps it was a little too obscure!

[ampoule]

I like the drip drip describing the way they move, like the slow drip you know is coming, and you wait for, from the leaky faucet. I will admit, I really do not like menstrual because it sucks me away to some other place. And yet, it is a disgusting nuisance that we, some of we ;), must put up with, a necessary evil, like sitting in traffic, waiting, waiting, waiting. I like the way you had it at the beginning better than the change.

[blp]

I appreciate your input blp. I've decided to delete the 4th verse entirely, though it grieves me I think it's the right thing to do. What I was getting at with the 'heavily punctuated' was again linked to the flow, the stop, start, stop, start of traffic flow, which is the way that heavily punctuated prose flows. It also alludes back to the colloquial term for menstruation, which in England is referred to as a 'period' which of course is the American term for the full stop. Perhaps it was a little too obscure!

Yeah, that's interesting though. Could almost be material for another poem.

[TheFifthElement]

ampoule - thank you for looking at this again, I'm definitely deleting the 4th verse, though more because it just doesn't quite fit (as Pen and blp said), rather than the 'yuck' factor! The poem as a whole works better without it.

blp - what a good idea! I'll try working it up into something else. Thanks.