Leigh Road Window - New Member Introduction

[Helen Clancy]

Hello,
I am a new member and will introduce myself with the following poem. Any comments would be appreciated.
Helen


Leigh Road Window

A line, five square buildings squatt
Capped with triangular roof tops
Pointing at a multi-coloured thundry sky.

Between two of these box-like dwellings
A distant triangle, clustered by chimneys
Portrays the line of a parallel street.

Tree-shaped sunlight decorates the upper storeys
Of these five, and that distant one
And a rainbow rises from a chimney pot
Fading into smokey cloud.

A lonely bird soars aloof yet uncertain
While a fly flutters against my window pane.
As I sit silently,
The sunlight fades, the sky cools to a deep grey
The rainbow returns to whence it came.

The moment past, I remain watching
Five stout dwellings, heavy beneath the calmed sky
The only colour, the song of cheerful birds.

[CdnReader]

Welcome to the poetry forum, Helen. I like your references to the geometry of architecture. That's something that very much appeals to my sensibilities. I'm forever taking photographs of nested archways, consecutive rooflines, and other repeated shapes. I especially enjoyed the utter simplicity of these lines....



As I sit silently,
The sunlight fades, the sky cools to a deep grey
The rainbow returns to whence it came.

Lovely!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hello,
I am a new member and will introduce myself with the following poem. Any comments would be appreciated.
Helen


Leigh Road Window

A line, five square buildings squatt
Capped with triangular roof tops
Pointing at a multi-coloured thundry sky.

Between two of these box-like dwellings
A distant triangle, clustered by chimneys
Portrays the line of a parallel street.

Tree-shaped sunlight decorates the upper storeys
Of these five, and that distant one
And a rainbow rises from a chimney pot
Fading into smokey cloud.

A lonely bird soars aloof yet uncertain
While a fly flutters against my window pane.
As I sit silently,
The sunlight fades, the sky cools to a deep grey
The rainbow returns to whence it came.

The moment past, I remain watching
Five stout dwellings, heavy beneath the calmed sky
The only colour, the song of cheerful birds.

And the site will always have room, I believe, for one more cheerful bird, if she goes on singing as beautifully as this.

Welcome!

[Helen Clancy]

Thankyou to 'cdnreader' and 'PrinceMyshkin' for your comments. I am glad you enjoyed my poem!
Helen:)

[Pendragon]

Another songbird sings her heart out, dulcet tones that please the ear
Poets all clap hands in wonder, pleased to find another fellow troubadour here!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

Pen

[Helen Clancy]

Thanks Pen,

[TheFifthElement]

This is a nice poem, I liked the use of geometry and the environmental references. I think you may need to revise some of the spellings 'squatt' should be 'squat'; 'thundry' should be 'thundery'; 'smokey' should be 'smoky', and I think (but I'm not certain) that in your final verse 'past' should be 'passed', but I could well be wrong about that one.

A couple of quibbles, in verse two 'box-like' seems a little cliche'd, and 'the rainbow returns to whence it came', whilst a really lovely line, doesn't seem to fit well with the rest of the poem, given the precision of the geometry this line seems old fashioned and a little out of place.

I really enjoyed these lines:


A distant triangle, clustered by chimneys
Portrays the line of a parallel street.


Tree-shaped sunlight decorates the upper storeys


As I sit silently,
The sunlight fades, the sky cools to a deep grey


Five stout dwellings, heavy beneath the calmed sky
The only colour, the song of cheerful birds.

I think the final line is simply beautiful.

[Helen Clancy]

Thanks to 'ThefifthElement' for your comments, all very much appreciated. I will think about the quibbles you raised. Appreciate them too!
Helen

[ampoule]

The song as color...very pretty.

[Helen Clancy]

Thankyou!
Helen