Night looks upon us now...

[detritus]

Well, it's been about half a year since my last poetic endeavor, and recently I was keeping company with a friend who requested that I should write her a poem. I wasn't up to it at that moment, but the next morning upon reflecting over the previous night together, I set about penning some words which I hope will find a little measure of delight here...


Night looks upon us now with its heavy gaze
While the splendor of day remains in your hair,
Gently overflowing across my face.
The constant moon lingers amidst restless, hastening clouds,
And listens to Love's sweet song whispered into your ear.
The wind halts its journey now, and the oak bends no more.
Soon you will cease to look onward,
For the final words have already been spoken,
Only but to wander and melt away in the summer air.

[ampoule]

I'll leave your wonderings to the experts but all I can say is, I wish I had someone to write as beautiful a poem for me. I especially love the first three lines.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm still unsure if I ought to replace "summery" with "spacious" and "onward" with "ahead" and perhaps do a little more revision, if it is even worth it.

Lovely throughout but I would endorse both of the changes you propose as what they replace has maybe a touch too self-consciously poetic a feel.

[detritus]

I thank you both kindly for reading and commenting upon the poem. Thanks for the suggestion, PrinceMyshkin.

[tinustijger]

I'm no expert, I like the word 'onward' though.

What kind of friend is this? Must be a good one!

[firefangled]

I'm still unsure if I ought to replace "summery" with "spacious" and "onward" with "ahead" and perhaps do a little more revision, if it is even worth it.


Lovely throughout but I would endorse both of the changes you propose as what they replace has maybe a touch too self-consciously poetic a feel.

Your poem is very lovely, I agree, even if you say it in your own vernacular.

I think what you are sensing in your own poem is how archaic words ring false in our contemporary ears, even your own. Why is summery better than summer? Cease and onward are not fully archaic, but they have some baggage you may not want to carry into what you are trying to say.

Please write more. Don't throw anything away...ever...your thoughts are precious as the love in your poem. It's always worth it!

[detritus]

Thanks for the comments, firefangled, and I think you're right about "summer" supplanting "summery," I was considering it as well - amended. I'll stop shamelessly bumping my thread now, so thanks in advance to whoever reads it and/or comments upon it henceforth.