Puzzle

[Il Penseroso]

Flex the last singular piece into place,
saturate the picture with your gaze
and caress the rumpled curves
carved by jig-saw veins.

This is the abstract universal,
the color our minds conform
on this world. The rays
and measured moments we infuse
like a dream met upon waking
with meaning.

Embrace each piecemeal pivot
for it shall walk in the end
on stiffly torn legs
of cardboard
without
so much as a word.




What do you think? too didactic sounding? I usually hate this tone to my poems but I decided to run with it on this one. I'd appreciate some critical responses, if you feel so inclined. It's not complete, and was written rather quickly. The rest will have to undergo some strict deep-thinking, if I can manage that. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I too despair of my too-frequently didactic sounding poems but the didacticism - if it is that - feels absolutely appropriate to me here.

The mind does not dwell only on the visceral, the literal or the actual. There's a decorum here that feels very fitting.

[Bii]

This is an interesting piece Pensoroso, I love the first stanza with the 'jigsaw veins' and 'rumpled curves'. To be honest, the second stanza lost me a little, I was very much enjoying it up to '...on this world', but then you lost me after that and I wasn't sure what you were trying to get across, albeit that the language was beautiful. The last stanza fits better with the first, in my opinion, and again it is beautifully put, with the exception of 'without so much as a word', which I felt was a bit of a cliche'd conclusion to what was otherwise an exceptional poem.

I hope that doesn't sound too critical? I think this is, as your poems always are, a very, very lovely poem.

[motherhubbard]

I love the language and the imagery. I could see myself sitting at the table pasting that puzzle together as I often did before I had children. You are a lovely poet and I love the way you put words together. But, I agree with Bii on this. The first stanza was wonderful. I was so excited after reading it, thinking I will never look at a puzzle the same again. the last stanza goes well with the first, but the second didn't seem to mesh in there. maybe you have two parts to poems in here-

[Pendragon]

Flex the last singular piece into place,
saturate the picture with your gaze
and caress the rumpled curves
carved by jig-saw veins.

This is the abstract universal,
the color our minds conform
on this world. The rays
and measured moments we infuse
like a dream met upon waking
with meaning.

Embrace each piecemeal pivot
for it shall walk in the end
on stiffly torn legs
of ultrathin cardboard
without murmuring
so much as a word.




What do you think? too didactic sounding? I usually hate this tone to my poems but I decided to run with it on this one. I'd appreciate some critical responses, if you feel so inclined. It's not complete, and was written rather quickly. The rest will have to undergo some strict deep-thinking, if I can manage that. :)Like the others, I find the poem fine. It reads well. Quite honestly the only things I might do, and as always, take with a grain of salt, is add two words, which I will place into the poem as highlights, OK?

Pen

[Il Penseroso]

Prince,
Maybe didactic was the wrong word. Authoritative is probably closer. I generally don't believe myself qualified to be authoritative on many subjects, and surely don't like to preach. But somehow that voice often creeps into my writing, I suppose because it is easier to express oneself in straightforward pronouncements sometimes. Sort of the lazy man's rhetoric. Thanks for reading.

Bii,
Thanks for the comments. I post my poems in order to get honest feedback, as I expect others to do, so I expect critical readings. I appreciate it. I agree the second stanza, as well as the ending could use some work. Sadly though I write in flourishes without poetic stamina so rewrites/fixes are always hard for me. I'll keep your and Motherhubbard's commenst in mind for this one though. I may try to clarify it, leaving what I have though, at least for now.

motherhubbard,
Thanks for enjoying the poem. The second stanza's supposed to bring a broader, more philosophical meaning to the poem, but I agree that it needs something to weight it down to the rest.

Pen,
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep them in mind, although in this case I'm reluctant to use specific suggestions from others. I'm shamefully possessive of my poems in that way, even when the suggestions do better the poem.


Thanks for reading fellow poets.