Secrets

[Bii]

*deleted*

[Il Penseroso]

This is good, I particularly like the ending, as the metaphor is culminated rather strikingly. However, the "until you vomit" line seems to interrupt the flow to me, in a displeasing sense. Logically, if the grapes are initially vomited up the speaker and subject would then need to ingest fermented vomit to get drunk on later. I don't believe this was the intended case (right?).

The concept I like, but IMO it could use some tightening on a bare surface level to be made more effective.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Secrets

I give you my secrets
one by one.
You roll them like grapes
on your tongue,
chew them into mush.
They sit heavy on your
stomach, fermenting
until you vomit.
In years to come
we will share the wine,
and get drunk on the memory
of old regrets.

I have somewhat the same problem as the previous poster. Besides which the lines leading up to vomit seem to be speaking of a badly mismatched love, and the sharing implies some sort of reconciliation betwen them as if his earlier, rather violent reaction to her secrets has been overcome - but if so, too swiftly for me

[Bii]

This is good, I particularly like the ending, as the metaphor is culminated rather strikingly. However, the "until you vomit" line seems to interrupt the flow to me, in a displeasing sense. Logically, if the grapes are initially vomited up the speaker and subject would then need to ingest fermented vomit to get drunk on later. I don't believe this was the intended case (right?).

The concept I like, but IMO it could use some tightening on a bare surface level to be made more effective.

Thanks Penseroso - the vomit was necessary, I felt, as a reflection of the fact that sharing someone else's secrets can be unpalatable, but if you love the person you get past it, thereby 'sharing the vomit' so to speak. Often, when we love a person, the biggest step to take is to share the bit of you that you hide from everyone else, and later on you wonder what it was that you were worried about. So the vomit becomes a lovely wine to share, albeit in a very figurative sense!