An Ordinary Life

[dibyendra]

Please...
I don't want to shine like a diamond
I don't want to be high like the mountain
I don't want to be wide like the sky
I don't want to be deep like an ocean
I don't want to be cold like the winter
I don't want to to be hard like a stone
I don't want to be thrill like the darkness

But...
I want stillness of lake and the night
I want freedom of the bird and the cloud
I want flow of the river and the wind
I want purity of the water
I want beauty of the sunrise and the sunset
I want joy of the eddy and the waterfall
I want fragrance of the flower and the nature
I want freshness of the morning air
I want mystery of the life
I want dedication of an ant and the bee
and just want to live an ordinary life...

[Pensive]

I liked it though there are some cliches used here like 'hard like a stone' or 'cruel like a natural disaster'. But hey, the life you want doesn't seem to be ordinary! It seems to be special where there is no cruelty or hardness. :)

[dibyendra]

I liked it though there are some cliches used here like 'hard like a stone' or 'cruel like a natural disaster'. But hey, the life you want doesn't seem to be ordinary! It seems to be special where there is no cruelty or hardness. :)

Thank you very much Pensive for your kind suggestions and your valuable comments. Yes, it turned out to be special when there is no such elements like 'hardness' and 'cruelty. But, definitely I was trying to seek for an ordinary life. I'll update with additional expressions which might make more sense. If I remove "I don't want to be cruel like a natural disaster" and edit the line "I don't want to to be hard like a stone" to "I don't want to to be hard like a rock", will that makes sense ?

[Pensive]

Thank you very much Pensive for your kind suggestions and your valuable comments. Yes, it turned out to be special when there is no such elements like 'hardness' and 'cruelty. But, definitely I was trying to seek for an ordinary life. I'll update with additional expressions which might make more sense. If I remove "I don't want to be cruel like a natural disaster" and edit the line "I don't want to to be hard like a stone" to "I don't want to to be hard like a rock", will that makes sense ?

It's a pleasure to hear you found my suggestions helpful. :) I think it can make better sense then. Even now these lines are able to convey your message, one can take it as you don't want to be extraordinarily hard. And stone is idiomatically considered out of the ordinary hard. Such is the case with a natural disaster. So I guess there might not even be any need to remove them. :)

But the lines I am finding a bit troublesome are the following:

I don't want to be color like the blood
I don't want to be speed like the light
I don't want to be heat like the fire

The lines I have liked very much are these:


I don't want to shine like a diamond
I don't want to be high like the mountain
I don't want to be thrill like the darkness
I want beauty of the sunrise and the sunset

I like it how you in smart words try to explain how you don't want fame, and be anything out of the ordinary in this way. And especially, I have loved that 'thrill' line. And perhaps I am being a digger for hidden meanings here but this last one about 'sunrise and sunset' just brings in my mind the thought of human-beings as mortal. We come in this world like a sun and then we leave it. But many people have desired being immortal. It can be taken as you don't want to be immortal. You just want to be ordinary. Quite nice! :)

[dibyendra]

Thank you Pensive again for your suggestions. Yes, I have tried to convey message that I don't want name and fame but just an ordinary life and you got it ! So, I'm removing those lines which you found uninteresting. I also thought that without those line still convey my message.

[Pendragon]

I like the idea and the comparisons, just one thought, have you considered it like this: Istead of "I don't want" and "I want" how about:

"I dont need to shine like a diamond"

Then down on the qualities you desire:

"What I need I is the stillness of lake and the night"

and the last line:

"Just an ordinary life..."

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[dibyendra]

I like the idea and the comparisons, just one thought, have you considered it like this: Istead of "I don't want" and "I want" how about:

"I dont need to shine like a diamond"

Then down on the qualities you desire:

"What I need I is the stillness of lake and the night"

and the last line:

"Just an ordinary life..."

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif


Thanks Pen for giving me your viewpoint. I guess I have grabbed your idea but still could not grab your view completely. It would be very kind of you if you could guide me on this by showing the better way to present.

Dibyendra

[Pendragon]

Thanks Pen for giving me your viewpoint. I guess I have grabbed your idea but still could not grab your view completely. It would be very kind of you if you could guide me on this by showing the better way to present.

DibyendraWell, Dibby, it's something I hesitate to do, sometimes it is the right thing, and sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut. So look over the following and remember THIS IS YOUR POEM, NOT MINE. Take my suggestions with a grain of salt unless you truly find them helpful.

Please...
I don't need to shine like a diamond
I don't need to be high like the mountain
I don't need to be wide like the sky
I don't need to be deep like an ocean
I don't need to be cold like the winter
I don't need to be hard like a stone
I don't need to be thrilling like the darkness

But...

I need the stillness of lake and the night
I need the freedom of the bird and the cloud
I need the flow of the river and the wind
I need the purity of the water
I need the beauty of the sunrise and the sunset
I need the joy of the eddy and the waterfall
I need the fragrance of the flower and the nature
I need the freshness of the morning air
I need the mysteries of life
I need the dedication of an ant and the bee…

And I just need to live an ordinary life...



That is what I meant.

Pen

[dibyendra]

That was very kind of you Pen for giving your view. What if I change "but I want..." to "Because I want..." ?

Now, it looks like follows when merging your view Pen :


Please...
I don't want to shine like a diamond
I don't want to be high like the mountain
I don't want to be wide like the sky
I don't want to be deep like an ocean
I don't want to be cold like the winter
I don't want to be hard like a rock
I don't want to be thrill like the darkness

Because...
I need the stillness of lake and the night
I need the freedom of the bird and the cloud
I need the flow of the river and the wind
I need the purity of the water
I need the beauty of the sunrise and the sunset
I need the joy of the eddy and the waterfall
I need the fragrance of the flower and the nature
I need the freshness of the morning air
I need the mysteries of life
I need the dedication of an ant and the bee…

And I just need to live an ordinary life...

Any comments will be highly appreciated. Thanks again Pen for your views.

[Pendragon]

I admit I like the new one better, yet I think you would have got there eventually. In your country, your people know there is a time to go and harvest the honey the little people have created, and a time when one must be patient. Sometimes a day can mean the difference between this amount for your labor and that. For if one waits too long, the overburderned hive may simply fall on its own and there is no profit for anyone. If one moves into too soon, there is not enough there to make the business pay. Poetry is like that. We want just the right words in the right combination at the right time. Sometimes it flows like a song. Some times we grope for words in the darkness. But we are always poets...

Pen

[dibyendra]

Thank you Pen for your guidelines and listening to me. Yes, using right words on the particular context will make the poem powerful. I'm learning by doing and hoping that I'll be able to present many more poems with the help and support from you all.

[AuntShecky]

Remember Sonnet # 130? (I looked it up to get the right number!)


"My mistress's eyes are nothing like the sun"

In that sonnet, Shakepeare has the speaker of the poem
underlining the lady's uniqueness -- she is quite different
from the usual object of a troubador's affections. Shakespeare takes the same old/same old imagery that
characterized the poetry of the day and flips it on its side.
"My girlfriend doesn't fit the mold," is what the sonnet says while breaking the mold of common, ordinary images
of the femme fatale.


So the problem with celebrating the "ordinary" in your piece is how to do it without using cliches. What I suspect
you are trying to do is to show how the ordinary is special.
That's a tall order (to use still another cliche.)

Elsewhere on the forum recently I saw some postings of
poems by Wallace Stevens. The poem that begins
"One's grand flights, one's daily bath"
does exactly what your poem is trying to do: celebrate
the everyday things we often take for granted. The "quotidian" is Wallace Steven's word for it.

I think you should try to rework this poem, as it is worth
doing.
I would like to read more of your pieces.
Auntie

[dibyendra]

Thanks AuntShecky for your comments. I have read your comment carefully. It would be easier for me to rework if you could point me the cliches used in this poem.


So the problem with celebrating the "ordinary" in your piece is how to do it without using cliches. What I suspect
you are trying to do is to show how the ordinary is special.
That's a tall order (to use still another cliche.)

The message which I tried to convey in this poem is not to make the ordinary a special thing. But I just wanted to convey a message "being ordinary makes the life special and beautiful".

I might be wrong but what I thought was that being ordinary will make a human being really closer to the nature.