Storm

[Bii]

Very much a first draft.


*DELETED*

[symphony]

Quite nice. First I thought it was to the storm. But then saw the
"In the heart of the storm
your full-bodied joy
splits the sky"
and was a bit taken aback. And it was then that I also noticed that u said
"Your laughter approaches
like a thunderstorm with..." so it couldnt be to the storm itself anyway.

Somehow I'd have loved it more if it were to the storm, perhaps because that first expectation never quite fades off...(!) or perhaps its because 'the laughter of a storm' would have made quite an impression to me. However, by this i dont really mean i didnt like it, i just expected something else to come up. Sorry for being so naive... once again - i'm not saying i didnt like it. Dont take my word for it...

damn i shouldnt have commented should I !

[Bii]

Hi symphony - no worries, it's still a work in progress. What I was trying to capture was the way that laughter, especially that of a person you care about, can assault your senses, and make you happy even when you're not. So the storm is figurative, rather than literal, because a storm assaults your senses in the same kind of way.

It doesn't quite work yet, or rather I'm not quite happy with it yet. Feedback is always helpful, especially when you're struggling, so thank you, because your comments definitely help. So you should have commented, and I'm not going off to cry in the toilet...really...no really!

:)

[symphony]

LOL nothing to go cry over. ;)
Its a relief that u took no offence, cuz i was sounding a bit nagging to even myself...

[Bii]

I was thinking, actually, that if perhaps I named it 'Laughter' it would be clearer, and you wouldn't think straight away that it was about a storm. Perhaps.... I'm a bit brain dead today!

[Riesa]

Storm

Your laughter approaches,
like a thunderstorm with

possibly get rid of the 'like', and add a comma?

big, round-belly rumbles.

seems redundant to have big there, and round-belly rumbles sounds so nice and joyful while big just kind of plods.

Waves of vibration
excite the atmosphere;
pitching, withdrawing.
Rain falls in
mischievous bursts,
and tickles sensitive skin.

sensitive seems redundant too, if your skin is ticklish it is sensitive.

In the heart of the storm
your full-bodied joy
splits the sky,
illuminating my day.

everything else is sweet and reads fine to me.


charming idea. these are only first thoughts, and of course, only my view, so disregard if it pleases you to. I like both the title Storm and the title Laughter, however, Storm drew me in, I don't know if Laughter would have as quickly, even though I would have read it anyway because I tend to like your poems.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Very much a first draft.


Storm

Your laughter approaches
like a thunderstorm with
big, round-belly rumbles.
Waves of vibration
excite the atmosphere;
pitching, withdrawing.
Rain falls in
mischievous bursts,
and tickles sensitive skin.
In the heart of the storm
your full-bodied joy
splits the sky,
illuminating my day.

Since it is a first draft I will presume tyo say that I wish it ended with the penultimate line after which "illuminating" &c seems antic-climactic and an instance of the infamous telling rather than showing.

[Bii]

Since it is a first draft I will presume tyo say that I wish it ended with the penultimate line after which "illuminating" &c seems antic-climactic and an instance of the infamous telling rather than showing.

Thanks Jer - you're right, I wasn't overly comfortable with that bit either.

[Bii]

Storm

Your laughter approaches,
like a thunderstorm with

possibly get rid of the 'like', and add a comma?

big, round-belly rumbles.

seems redundant to have big there, and round-belly rumbles sounds so nice and joyful while big just kind of plods.

Waves of vibration
excite the atmosphere;
pitching, withdrawing.
Rain falls in
mischievous bursts,
and tickles sensitive skin.

sensitive seems redundant too, if your skin is ticklish it is sensitive.

In the heart of the storm
your full-bodied joy
splits the sky,
illuminating my day.

everything else is sweet and reads fine to me.


charming idea. these are only first thoughts, and of course, only my view, so disregard if it pleases you to. I like both the title Storm and the title Laughter, however, Storm drew me in, I don't know if Laughter would have as quickly, even though I would have read it anyway because I tend to like your poems.

Thanks Reisa for your suggestions - all very helpful, and kind as always :)

[motherhubbard]

Bii, I really liked those big, round-belly laughs!

I know you are working on this one, but I still like it very much. I smiled reading it and I could hear the laughter through the words. You are one talented lady!

[Bii]

So, I thought you might like to see the evolution of a poem in progress; or if not, why are you here?

This is now called 'Laughter', and is still a work in progress, in that I'm still not convinced it's finished. Maybe you will differ?

*DELETED*

[motherhubbard]

Bii, I like the splits the sky, but I'm not so sure about and light is made. Maybe something about full -bodied joy splits the ski with its beaming brilliance or something. I don't know, now that I've written it, it sounds corny. I know I should just keep my mouth shut-

[Bii]

Bii, I like the splits the sky, but I'm not so sure about and light is made. Maybe something about full -bodied joy splits the ski with its beaming brilliance or something. I don't know, now that I've written it, it sounds corny. I know I should just keep my mouth shut-

No, not at all - you've confirmed what I thought which is that 1) 'and light is made doesn't work', and 2)it needs something else. But what? Now there's the question!

[motherhubbard]

Well, I'll be thinking of you and you can think of me. I'll be back after lunch!

[Bii]

Sounds like a deal!

I've been thinking, how about:

xxxxxxxxxx

Or something along those lines, maybe better (!), keeping 'splits the sky' at the end.

[CdnReader]

I like this last better, Bii.... but the word violence rubs me the wrong way. JMHO. :)

[motherhubbard]

In the heart of the storm
Your full-bodied laughter
Split’s the sky
And joy rains

In the heart of the storm
The sky suddenly splits
And your full-bodied joy
Falls in fat heavy drops


I thought about this and this is what I came up with. But of course I like yours better!