I'll go on kissing you

[Sweets America]

Well...erm... Here is a poem I have written, but I'm not sure I should post it because all the poetry around is so beautiful and mine is not that great. But, since I've been undertaking new challenges lately, I thought I could post this poem, maybe.
It's a poem about a destructive love. It describes how sometimes a person can love someone to such a point that they want to possess the other and they end up destructing everything. It's actually about destructive but also self-destructive love. It's very 'fleshy' and you might not like the images, but it is just how it went when I wrote it. It's also about how beauty and romance can be found is something that might look awful at first sight.

I’ll go on kissing you

Your body I’ll embrace
Till you heave your last breath
I want my arms to squeeze
Till your flesh and bones sneeze

And shatter all around
With a symphonic sound.
Broken as a mirror,
Your soul covers the floor

A piece I pick up
Such a sharp organ
Toxic as a death cup
Could it be your heart?
In my hands ― pulsing still?

Bloody hands that it cuts
Red substance of your guts
Melt into one tasty goo
And I’ll go on kissing you

Till I swallow your sloppy tongue
And as it licks my vocal cords
I’ll speak all your dead words
Poetry somehow slurred
Of two ghoulish lovebirds.

[CdnReader]

Oh my! This is an amazing piece of work, Sweets. Visceral, raw, and full of deep emotions. I especially loved this section....



Broken as a mirror,
Your soul covers the floor

A piece I pick up
Such a sharp organ
Toxic as a death cup
Could it be your heart?


Very well done indeed. :thumbs_up

[symphony]

I second Cdn on that favorite part.
And wow! :)
U've hit it with ur very first poem posted in here! Congrats!
I dont think I welcomed u before, so... \^/elcome! :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Till I swallow your sloppy tongue
And as it licks my vocal cords
I’ll speak all your dead words
Poetry somehow slurred
Of two ghoulish lovebirds.

I don't care a whole lot for the last two lines, especially the very explicit last one, and in any case they kind of milk and take away from the considerable power of the three lines before them.

That "sloppy tongue" is brilliant! It seems to speak simultaneously of the fleshiness of the human tongue, the delicious sloppiness of a French kiss, and of the sloppiness in the sense that his words are careless and untrustworthy.

Welcome! Next?

[Sweets America]

Hey thank you all for your comments, they are truly appreciated.:)
And thanks for the welcomes.

Cdn and Symphony, I'm happy you like this poem. Thank you very much.

Prince, if I understand well, you don't particularly like the last two lines? I liked my 'ghoulish lovebirds' lol. You think the poem should have ended another way, or should have just ended with the 'dead words'?

I like the sloppy tongue too, because it was fleshy and sensuous at the same time, as you say. I hadn't thought of the third sense, though, but it goes well with the theme of the poem. The idea of the French kiss is nice. That is something I should master, since I'm French lol, but... I haven't had this pleasure yet. (see my response to your 'belief topic', when I talk about waiting to find a soulmate. Well, I have found the soulmate, but I'm afraid this soulmate is far far away... Though I wouldn't exchange the one I love for another man, as the kiss would lose all its magical meaning to me)

Again, I appreciate the comments. If there is someone who for some reason, hates this poem, I would like to hear why also, because it would be interesting.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince, if I understand well, you don't particularly like the last two lines? I liked my 'ghoulish lovebirds' lol. You think the poem should have ended another way, or should have just ended with the 'dead words'?

Yes, the "dead words" had all the finality I thought the poem needed. We need at times to resist putting that extra last nail in the coffin. On the other hand, here is possibly the most valuable lesson I can give re writing poetry (or fiction):

When all the world objects to a word or phrase you have chosen and to you it is essential to what you mean to say, tell the world, tactfully if you prefer or otherwise, to Eff off!

[Granny5]

Again, I appreciate the comments. If there is someone who for some reason, hates this poem, I would like to hear why also, because it would be interesting.

I can't imagine anyone hating your poem. It's just beautiful and evokes how it feels to love.
Welcome, Sweets
I think this will be a better place because you're here.

[Sweets America]

Prince,
Yes I know about the 'extra last nail in the coffin' (I love that image!!), but it is difficult not to do it.
About your advice now,... I won't tell you to eff off, lol. I still don't know what to do with those last lines, though. I like the lovebirds because it brought a last little touch of romance in this very raw poem. And I liked how the dead words of the lover sound like poetry. It would also be strange to supress those lines because now they have been created and I would feel bad about putting them to sleep.
Hey, Prince, I didn't know the expression 'eff off'. That sounds funny. The English language is funny. The other day I read a post that someone ended with the words 'through thought though'. I thought that was so amazing. Made me want to frame those words and put them on my wall. I love this language.

Granny, thanks for the welcome and what you said about the poem. And also the place being better because I'm here, that is extremely thoughtful.:)

I'm thinking...that is funny that I just told Prince that he sounded like a dad, and now here comes Granny, LOL. This forum is a big family, eh?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince,
Yes I know about the 'extra last nail in the coffin' (I love that image!!), but it is difficult not to do it.
About your advice now,... I won't tell you to eff off, lol. I still don't know what to do with those last lines, though. I like the lovebirds because it brought a last little touch of romance in this very raw poem. And I liked how the dead words of the lover sound like poetry. It would also be strange to supress those lines because now they have been created and I would feel bad about putting them to sleep.

Voyons! Imagine toi que t'as des chiens bien aimes mais ils sont vieux et vraiment malade?


Hey, Prince, I didn't know the expression 'eff off'.

Well, then I have done my good deed for today!


This forum is a big family, eh?

Wonderful observation, ma chere!

[Sweets America]

Prince,
That is interesting that you would raise the case of dogs because my dogs are getting old and the other day I was wondering 'what if we had to put them to sleep if they're suffering by being alive?'. Well, I think the best thing would be to actually put them to sleep because I don't want them to suffer. But the question would be: 'how can I be sure that they really prefer being put to sleep?'. But well, I know that if they were suffering I would put them first and not be selfish. (lol, I almost wrote 'I know they would do the same thing for me', and realized that it sounded quite stupid).
Well well, I guess that if those last two lines are sick or suffering, I should put them to sleep. Because what if their illness were contagious and contaminated the whole poem? I know what you mean. But I still like my lines. No, I'm not stubborn, who told you that?

I enjoyed the fact that you wrote the sentence in French. I strangely like it when it is written or spoken by an English speaking person. As for me, I prefer talking and writing in English, because this language allows me to be free, to say all I want to say without restraining myself. The English words express my thoughts more accurately than the French ones, it seems. And they sound so much more beautiful and elegant, like a refined man.

Well, yes, you have done your good deed today. You win a McDo meal.