Cut from a Journey

[rabid reader]

Cut from a Journey

Singing takes among the apostles
Carrying them the sounds of the dead.
Killing faith of mindful hearers.
The song causes freedom to bleed.
The singers pray "faith be hostile!"
To turn the faithless bloody red.
People pain for the blood soaked cheerers
Their freedom cries as it wont seed.

As the song gains strength, faith waivers.
People tire of hope so savage
The song replies with bloody knives.
As death weakens the songs position
Faithless show unanswered prayers.
The quizitive lost thoughtful lives
The song enacts; Inquisition!

Countless deaths caused by song.
The faithful show with no remorse.
But the people know they are wrong.
The Faithless continue on their course.

By Rabid Reader

This is very rough, merely shape has been confirmed I plan to edit quite clearly soon. I dislike the use of the world Bleed in the fourth line, and need to shorten two or three lines. Wondering some thoughts on the poem.

[symphony]

Yeah some lines need to be shortened a bit.
Anyway, rough piece or not, it looks brilliant to me. I love poems with such strong themes. :thumbs_up

[Pendragon]

Cut from a Journey

Singing takes among the apostles
Carrying them the sounds of the dead.
Killing faith of mindful hearers.
The song causes freedom to bleed.
The singers pray "faith be hostile!"
To turn the faithless bloody red.
People pain for the blood soaked cheerers
Their freedom cries as it wont seed.

As the song gains strength, faith waivers.
People tire of hope so savage
The song replies with bloody knives.
As death weakens the songs position
Faithless show unanswered prayers.
The quizitive lost thoughtful lives
The song enacts; Inquisition!

Countless deaths caused by song.
The faithful show with no remorse.
But the people know they are wrong.
The Faithless continue on their course.

By Rabid Reader


A strring poem. The difficulty lies not in the lines, I think, but the rhyme scheme. To set it the way I would do it with your current rhyme would require lengthening lines for meaning, instead of shortening them. A trial, take with the grain of salt.


Cut from a Journey

Hyms are raised among the apostles
Mournful notes like wailing for the dead.
The music turns their freedom into bloody red
Giving faith of mindful hearers a fatal jostle.

Now the tune played and prayed is "Faith Be Hostile!"
Turn the faithless into sacrifice that bleeds.
Now they wonder why freedom cries as it wont seed.
Having made the glory gory never seems a possibity...

As the spirit of the song gains strength,
How their faith begins to thin and waiver.
How the faithless quickly point out unanswered prayer!
Time to turn off the amplifier and drop the song into its sheath...

Because people tire of hope so savage,
And a song that replies with bloody knives.
How many more must give the Reaper their lives
Before people wake up to see the awful carnage?

As death weakens the songs position
And many began to question exactly why?
And they, the quizitive lost thoughtful lives,
The song enacts; Inquisition!

Countless deaths caused by song.
The faithful show with no remorse.
The Faithless continue on their course--
But the people know they are wrong....


By Rabid Reader



Now you know why I hate messing with other people's poems. I get carried away!

Pen

[rabid reader]

A strring poem. The difficulty lies not in the lines, I think, but the rhyme scheme. To set it the way I would do it with your current rhyme would require lengthening lines for meaning, instead of shortening them. A trial, take with the grain of salt.


Cut from a Journey

Hyms are raised among the apostles
Mournful notes like wailing for the dead.
The music turns their freedom into bloody red
Giving faith of mindful hearers a fatal jostle.

Now the tune played and prayed is "Faith Be Hostile!"
Turn the faithless into sacrifice that bleeds.
Now they wonder why freedom cries as it wont seed.
Having made the glory gory never seems a possibity...

As the spirit of the song gains strength,
How their faith begins to thin and waiver.
How the faithless quickly point out unanswered prayer!
Time to turn off the amplifier and drop the song into its sheath...

Because people tire of hope so savage,
And a song that replies with bloody knives.
How many more must give the Reaper their lives
Before people wake up to see the awful carnage?

As death weakens the songs position
And many began to question exactly why?
And they, the quizitive lost thoughtful lives,
The song enacts; Inquisition!

Countless deaths caused by song.
The faithful show with no remorse.
The Faithless continue on their course--
But the people know they are wrong....


By Rabid Reader



Now you know why I hate messing with other people's poems. I get carried away!

Pen


lol, I don't think it would be fair to continue to call that my work ;)m but I like what happened. I was just trying something a little more challenging and I think the experiment might have failed. Reading what you have written, in the second stanza the word continues not to read properly, and I think that whole concept of those following lines needs to be reorganized. The subject o freedom's suffering under the hands of the song is necessary because it is what turns "the People" against the apostles, joining the faithless in their march. Which drives "the Song" in massacre and madness.

With that said a lot of what you wrote was quite entertaining, the word jostle was a word I had not even pondered but looking at its location and follow and how much it adds to the depth of the poem it is such a necessary element I was I fool not to have thought of it myself. Another beautiful line that I quite enjoyed was this:


Having made the glory gory never seems a possibility... As it expresses the suffering of "the Faithless" in such an eloquent way it actually moved me to read it.


As the spirit of the song gains strength,
How their faith begins to thin and waiver.
How the faithless quickly point out unanswered prayer!
Time to turn off the amplifier and drop the song into its sheath...
I would like to change this stanza even further, especially the last line where it seems as if the "drop the song into its sheath" means that the song is to be withdrawn, which the opposite of what the song is to do. The song begins to slaughter the people along with the faithless. So I purpose the new stanza to be along the lines of this:

As the spirit of the song gains strength,
The simple’s faith begins to wane,
So the faithless show the spilt blood of the sane-
So they turned up the amplifier, make the song a shank

The next stanza reads almost perfectly, as Pen you are very talented. I see nothing I can add or take away from it as I give it a read, the addition of Death as a character was an interesting one that had not occurred to me, though I think it might have been cliche and my be revised out in later additions.

the next stanza keeps intact much of what I like about my own poem and reads much smoother what I had written. As the declaration of Inquisition was the only part of this poem I had liked when i had written it, I am glad it made your cuts.

And the final stanza (because of your rhyming scheme ends up with the lines I had originally wrote in a much more logical order, the talk of the unremorseful faithful immediately after commenting on the carenage helps keep the moment of wrong-doing flow into the apostles characters. And to finish with the people knowing that the faithful are wrong seems to fit as a good ending though the word "they" should probably be changed among the lines of "the song", or the "the apostles" or "the faithful" as when you read it now its as if the people feel the faithless are wrong.

Thank you Pen for your revisitions as I have taken them to heart, and thank sympony for your kind words.

[Pendragon]

As the spirit of the song gains strength,
The simple’s faith begins to wane,
So the faithless show the spilt blood of the sane-
So they turned up the amplifier, make the song a shank.
Oh, yeah! That is great poetry! That should definately be in your final draft. For the rest, feel free to take any ideas or lines you like, gratis, and toss the rest. You are talented yourself, and don't loose focus on that. I gave you a nudge, you come up with a brilliant stanza that will match or surpass any of my own. This poem will be a great one, and I'd like to see your final draft, so please post it, OK?

God Bless

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[rabid reader]

Oh, yeah! That is great poetry! That should definately be in your final draft. For the rest, feel free to take any ideas or lines you like, gratis, and toss the rest. You are talented yourself, and don't loose focus on that. I gave you a nudge, you come up with a brilliant stanza that will match or surpass any of my own. This poem will be a great one, and I'd like to see your final draft, so please post it, OK?

God Bless

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

well this is what I have gotten so far; I will bold the other changes made.


Hymns are raised among the apostles
Mournful notes like wailing for the dead.
The music turns their freedom into bloody red
Giving faith of mindful hearers a fatal jostle.

Now the tune played and prayed is "Faith Be Hostile!"
Turned the faithless into sacrifice to ruling spirit-
As freedom cries, as the song denies the world it.
Having made the glory gory never seemed possible...

As the spirit of the song gains strength,
The simple’s faith begins to wane,
So the faithless show the spilt blood of the sane-
So they turned up the amplifier, make the song a shank

Because people tire of hope so savage,
And a song that replies with bloody knives.
The hymn covers over it with heinous lies-
Before people can wake up to see the awful carnage.

Countless deaths caused by song.
The faithful show with no remorse.
The Faithless continue on their course--
But the people know the apostles are wrong....

[Pendragon]

That's darn good. I'm glad I dared nudge you a little. You have a powerful way with words!

I had wondered about that last verse, since I foolishly mixed it up for you to begin with. If you want to go with your original words, I figured out how to solve the problem. So smiple, I feel foolish!

This is what I had changed it to:


Countless deaths caused by song.
The faithful show with no remorse.
The Faithless continue on their course--
But the people know they are wrong....


and that was counterproductive.

But if I do this:


Countless deaths caused by song.
The Faithless continue on their course.
The faithful show with no remorse--
But the people know they are wrong....


the original message comes back. Duh! What was I thinking?

Good luck! Keep me posted!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[rabid reader]

that does work a lot better. Thanks for your help. This poem would have been bound to the world of medicority if it hadn't been for you.

[rabid reader]

Hymns are raised among the apostles
Mournful notes like wailing for the dead.
The music turns their freedom into bloody red
Giving faith of mindful hearers a fatal jostle.

Now the tune played and prayed is "Faith Be Hostile!"
Turned the faithless into sacrifice to ruling spirit-
As freedom cries, as the song denies the world it.
Having made the glory gory never seemed possible...

As the spirit of the song gains strength,
The simple’s faith begins to wane,
So the faithless show the spilt blood of the sane-
So they turned up the amplifier, make the song a shank

Because people tire of hope so savage,
And a song that replies with bloody knives.
The hymn covers over it with heinous lies-
Before people can wake up to see the awful carnage.

Countless deaths caused by song.
The Faithless continue on their course.
The faithful show with no remorse--
But the people know they are wrong....

[Pendragon]

All right! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif And you did the work, mon ami. I only showed you the path. The glory of this masterpiece goes to you. And well-deserved.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[rabid reader]

thank you very much Pen, you aid is incalculable. Co-authorable<----coined it