My Charm

[Pensive]

Comments would be very much appreciated! :)

The beauty charm of mine
Affected you, attracted you
Made you come towards me
Made you wait for my nod

But I knew
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
The same Sarah unintentionally
Had casted on the very you
Made you react in the same way as now

But Sarah didn’t then know
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Which Sarah used to have but lost in a car accident
Took you away from her
Her love wasn’t enough for you

Sarah now knew
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Gone from Sarah made you leave her
You could have never lived for others
You didn’t understand others ‘misery’ or ‘ugliness’ so came towards me

Sarah should have known
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Had made you mad
My ‘no’ had put you in a distress
But I was afraid of you

Because I knew
Like my beauty charm
You were weak
Not strong enough to turn it
Into a strong spell!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm a sucker for incantatory poetry - and this one well-satisfied me in that and every respect. Thank you.

[Pensive]

Umm thanks for the response. I am very glad you liked it!

[Pensive]

Just wanted to add I would appreciate any suggestions to work on it if it needs much betterment?

[Virgil]

Hey Pensy, I liked it except for the "spell" repetitions. There are some very good lines there: "The beauty charm of mine/Affected you, attracted you". I'm completely infactuated with those lines. "The beauty charm," that's great!! And worthy of repetition. And this is very intriguing:

The same Sarah unintentionally
Had casted on the very you
Made you react in the same way as now
I'm really pulled in.

The thing about the spell being weak, that doesn't seem all that interesting to me, in my humble opinion. Certainly not interesting enough to keep repeating. Here's how i might edit the poem, if you'll allow me:


The beauty charm of mine
Affected you, attracted you
Made you come towards me
Made you wait for my nod

But I knew
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
The same Sarah unintentionally
Had casted on the very you
Made you react in the same way as now

The beauty charm of mine
Which Sarah used to have but lost in a car accident
Took you away from her

The beauty charm of mine
Gone from Sarah made you leave her

The beauty charm of mine
Had made you mad
My ‘no’ had put you in distress

But I was afraid of you

Because I knew
Like my beauty charm
You were weak

[Pendragon]

My own two cents worth, Pensy. A Great poem and great arrangement. This is all I would do.


The beauty charm of mine
Affected you, attracted you
Made you come towards me
Made you wait for my nod

But I knew
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
The same Sarah unintentionally
Had casted on the very you
Made you react in the same way as now

But Sarah didn’t then know
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Which Sarah used to have but lost in a car accident
Took you away from her
Her love wasn’t enough for you

Sarah now knew
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Gone from Sarah made you leave her
You could have never lived for others
You didn’t understand others ‘misery’ or ‘ugliness’ so came towards me

Sarah should have known
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Had made you mad
My ‘no’ had put you in a distress
But I was afraid of you

I was afraid I would become like Sarah,
For I felt the spell too weak

And because I knew
Like my beauty charm
You were weak
Not strong enough to turn it
Into a strong spell!

Maybe all along Sarah was where you belonged:
I do not need a love spell if it draws only the weak...

[motherhubbard]

Pensive, I think you are so talented. I often forget that you are as young as you are because you are capable and gifted beyond your years. I like this poem and the repetition of the beauty charm of mine, but it's not your best. If a regular person wrote this I would be more impressed and I hope that sounds like the complement it is meant to be.



Sarah now knew
This spell was weak


I think this should be Sarah then knew or Sarah now knows





Because I knew
Like my beauty charm
You were weak
Not strong enough to turn it
Into a strong spell![/I]

I especially like this part. It sticks it where it belongs.

[Riesa]

The beauty charm of mine
Affected you, attracted you
Made you come towards me
Made you wait for my nod

I find this so brazen and proud! Assertive and confident, very appealing.



But I knew
This spell was weak

ah, and wise too. :)


The beauty charm of mine
The same Sarah unintentionally
Had cast on the very you
Made you react in the same way as now

I would remove "had" change casted to cast, perhaps find a word with fewer syllables to replace unintentionally. (accidently? to tie in with the car accident later on?) and though I understand the last line I find I have to think about it just a little too much for such simple language.




But Sarah didn’t then know
This spell was weak

ah.



The beauty charm of mine
Which Sarah used to have but lost in a car accident
Took you away from her
Her love wasn’t enough for you

how about, lost in a 'crash'?



Sarah now knew
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Gone from Sarah made you leave her
You could have never lived for others
You didn’t understand others ‘misery’ or ‘ugliness’ so came towards me

Sarah should have known
This spell was weak

The beauty charm of mine
Had made you mad
My ‘no’ had put you in a distress
But I was afraid of you

Because I knew
Like my beauty charm
You were weak
Not strong enough to turn it
Into a strong spell!this guy sounds like a real winner. :p :)

I like the whole moral to this poem, just a little reworking would improve it greatly. Virg has cleaned the ending up nicely, I think.

just some little suggestions, I hope they help in some way.

[symphony]

I like the whole poem except that to me the length of the following line didnt seem to fit in:

You didn’t understand others ‘misery’ or ‘ugliness’ so came towards me

[EAP]

i like the ending! provides an actual motive for the whole poem

i think this is certainly the quirkiest **** you have written yet. neat. :D

[formality hater]

I enjoyed reading it!:)
Sorry,I am in a learning process myself,can't help much with suggestions!:(

[Pensive]

Thanks all for your views. They are really very much appreciated. :) As for the ending, all I would say is that it is the main point of the story in this poem, I think the whole poem would lose its point if I change it.


I like the whole poem except that to me the length of the following line didnt seem to fit in:

Quote:
You didn’t understand others ‘misery’ or ‘ugliness’ so came towards me

I agree, I too am having problem with this line. Would probably change it. I am just too lazy to think of anything for it right now...

And once again, thank you, everyone! :)