And another li'l something...

[symphony]

A frail attempt at finishing that unfinished thing.... hope the trashcan doesnt get this one. But i'm still not sure whether to keep it.


Hark! The night speaks to us!
My ears yearn to hear the lyre,
My eager soul awaits
The senses of the voices of the silence;
For the night has stories in its depths,
Those which are bound, and pound to come out as sounds
Knock and scream at the door of darkness
To unfreeze, and be released in the ease of the night.

In the darkness echoes forgotten histories,
The stories crawl in to eager ears,
Perhaps, of a land, once in a flourish
Lying now in dust and rust,
Or, perhaps, the eye encounters
The flash of a sword, the bend of a bow—
The blazing wrath once enkindled
In the pupil of an armored knight
Brightly glints as stellar dots
Watching over the world tonight.

How can I not hear?
When the chilling breezes whisper,
And the chirping leaves whistle
Singing of the old times?
The sudden cry of an obscure owl
Brings to me forfeitures
Of all the yesterdays
That are gone, are gone.
How can I not see?
When the moonlit fog hovers
Over the silent skyline, giving
Momentary visions of moments bygone?

Alight within me is a faith
Unheeded for a long time.

Behold! As the night unfurls before us
Chronicles of the past
Those are gone
Are gone.

Not sure abt the title either, should it be "Soliloquy of a Knight"....?
Suggestions please?

[Oh and to those who have read the unfinished version earlier: did i successfully spoil the flow? :( ]

[Niamh]

nice Symphony! there is a beautifully dark flow throughout the whole poem.
How about "The Voices of Silence" for the title. Its taken from your fourth line. I thought there was sometime quite haunting about that line.

[symphony]

hmmm
someone has told me that the poem is tough to understand and the stanzas need sth in between them to link the whole thing together... is that so?

Niamh, i liked the term "the voices of silence" too, perhaps i'll keep that as a title, no sure so far...

[Niamh]

well the first two link in my mind as you mention night in last line of first stanza and have darkness in first line of second. you end second with a concept of "seeing" and start thirsd with "hearing". How about saying "how can i not see? how can i not hear?" as for ther rest there seems to be a nice free flow bout them and i like it as it is. Its like thoughts. Not all thoughts are structured.:)

[Pendragon]

Sy, my two cents worth, take with a grain of salt. "Voices of Silence" is a great title. That said, as it points directly to sound and hearing, why bring up seeing at all? Why not continue the third verse by describing subtle nuances of the sound; I don't know: "a whisper of spider-silk on eiderdown, the tiptoeing of moonbeams across the attic floor, etc." Keep it ethereal. You are describing the sound of something that makes no sound, and doing a wonderful job. We don’t need to see it, let us hear more of it.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[symphony]

hmmm i'll sure give that a thought, Uncle Pen, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on it. :)
but i still have to know something, do i have to add anything in between the stanzas? or does it flow good enough? it's been more than 1 who's told me that they find it tough to link the different stanzas....
???

[symphony]

but i still have to know something, do i have to add anything in between the stanzas? or does it flow good enough? it's been more than 1 who's told me that they find it tough to link the different stanzas....
???

well???

[Virgil]

I think it's pretty good Symph. It has the makings of a good poem. Let me say what I find a little problematic first. The first stanza is very pretentious. It doesn't flow to my ear.

Hark! The night speaks to us!
My ears yearn to hear the lyre,
My eager soul awaits
No one really says "hark" any more and lyres are over used in poetry at this point. And then eager soul is also old. You could probably have used one of these and slid through, but all three gives it a feeling of pretentious. I would cut the whole first stanza right out and I think it would be fine. The second stanza I think is where the poem starts. You seem to be trying to explain it with:

For the night has stories in its depths,
Those which are bound, and pound to come out as sounds
And I think that is unnecessary.

Really cool second stanza (Although I don't like the word "eager"; seems like your forcing emotion). Really nice line: "Lying in dust and rust" :thumbs_up and I think the second half is outstanding in its entirety:

Or, perhaps, the eye encounters
The flash of a sword, the bend of a bow—
The blazing wrath once enkindled
In the pupil of an armored knight
Brightly glints as stellar dots
Watching over the world tonight.

And then the openning of the third stanza is fabulous!!

How can I not hear?
When the chilling breezes whisper,
And the chirping leaves whistle
Singing of the old times?

The combination of chilling/chirping and whisper/whistling seems to make those lines sublime. Wow!
I don't know if you realize the mirror phrasing at the end of the stanza:

How can I not see?
When the moonlit fog hovers
Over the silent skyline, giving
Momentary visions of moments bygone?
And you almost capture that same alliteration as you did in those other lines.

The closing is good too, although I'm not sure what alight means, or did you mean "a light"? Those two lines are ok but again hint at a little poetic pretention.

Alight within me is a faith
Unheeded for a long time.

Behold! As the night unfurls before us
Chronicles of the past
Those are gone
Are gone.
I like the closing stanza. The repetition sounds fine.

This is just my opinion, so let me say a good poem if you cut that first stanza. When you try to sound too poetic, it comes off pretentious. When you speak more natural I think the poem really takes off. I hope that helps. :)

[symphony]

It sure helps, Virgil, a lot. Thanks. I've been looking for some feedback to go with it cuz i really want to burnish this one hehe. Thanks a lot. :)

I dont quite intend to cut out the whole first stanza, it was the essence of the poem, will "hear/listen" instead of "hark" do? Oh and I used "alight" in the the second last stanza in the "settled" or "lighted up" sense. But I'm considering cutting out that couple of lines.
Thanks again for taking the time to read it, Virgil.

[Virgil]

It sure helps, Virgil, a lot. Thanks. I've been looking for some feedback to go with it cuz i really want to burnish this one hehe. Thanks a lot. :)

I dont quite intend to cut out the whole first stanza, it was the essence of the poem, will "hear/listen" instead of "hark" do? Oh and I used "alight" in the the second last stanza in the "settled" or "lighted up" sense. But I'm considering cutting out that couple of lines.
Thanks again for taking the time to read it, Virgil.

Your welcome. "Listen" instead of "hark" is definietely better. It tones down the formality. Actually in re-reading that first stanza I find the last few lines very interesting:

Those which are bound, and pound to come out as sounds
Knock and scream at the door of darkness
To unfreeze, and be released in the ease of the night.
I guess I didn't notice that before. :)