Crude words

[motherhubbard]

Crude words


I’d love to caress the words
as they spilled out of my mouth
Like precious seed from which eternity flows.

But I do not have a witty tongue.
I’m not sharp or quick.

Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over word like protruding stones
on the path that leads to graceful expression.

I can not find poetic phrases
to express my secret thoughts.

Forgive my crude language.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Crude words


I’d love to caress the words
as they spilled out of my mouth
Like precious seed from which eternity flows.

But I do not have a witty tongue.
I’m not sharp or quick.

Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over word like protruding stones
on the path that leads to graceful expression.

I can not find poetic phrases
to express my secret thoughts.

Forgive my crude language.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.

Do you see as I do how humility can be more powerful at times than rude, raw power?

I love this but I would reconsider your use of the word "crude" as that is most often taken to refer to obscene language.


Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over word like protruding stones

struck me as especially fine - and in general I can feel the storehouse of previously dammed-up words that are waiting to come rushing out!

[Pendragon]

Yes, I might agree with Prince on this, I am not sure "Crude Words" is the best title. Perhaps "Broken Words" which conveys someone speaking and trying hard to be understood but having difficulty, either because they do not speak the language, or are overcome by emotion or illness.

And here:



Forgive my crude language.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.


I might go with this:


Forgive my untamed language.
Seek to understand the hidden meanings.
I will share my song.

Feel free to ignore the whole thing, of course!

Pen

http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/figuren/d060.gif

[firefangled]

Crude words


I’d love to caress the words
as they spilled out of my mouth
Like precious seed from which eternity flows.

But I do not have a witty tongue.
I’m not sharp or quick.

Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over word like protruding stones
on the path that leads to graceful expression.

I can not find poetic phrases
to express my secret thoughts.

Forgive my crude language.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.

I love this poem. In keeping with the imagery of stone, maybe cobbled? It does have connotations [I]to put together roughly or clumsily/I] of what you are going for.

[motherhubbard]

I wonder if this is more pleasing to the ear and more inline with my meaning? Thanks for your in put.


Unsophisticated


I’d love to caress the words
as they spilled out of my mouth
Like precious seed from which eternity flows.

But I do not have a witty tongue.
I’m not sharp or quick.

Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over words like protruding stones
on the path that leads to graceful expression.

I cannot find poetic phrases
to express my secret thoughts.

Forgive my lack of polish.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I wonder if this is more pleasing to the ear and more inline with my meaning? Thanks for your in put.


Unsophisticated


I’d love to caress the words
as they spilled out of my mouth
Like precious seed from which eternity flows.

But I do not have a witty tongue.
I’m not sharp or quick.

Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over words like protruding stones
on the path that leads to graceful expression.

I cannot find poetic phrases
to express my secret thoughts.

Forgive my lack of polish.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.

I think "the hidden stone" is misleading or wrong because the stones have hitherto been apparent, if regretted for their commonness. I believe you would prefer to avoid the flowery or overtly poetic, but I wouldwish you could find some way in that line to hint at the intrinsic quality or hidden beauty in those stones.

And I wish there were something less humble, more assertive than "share my songs" to end with. There is a somewhat tamped down but implicit LOVE of singing throughout the earlier verses: it deserves a bit more release, a hint of elation or ecstasy in the last line.

[Pendragon]

I imagine you wish we'd quit doing this!

Unsophisticated


I’d love to caress the words
as they spill out of my mouth (wrong word: spilled)
Like precious seed from which eternity flows.

But I do not have a witty tongue.
I’m not sharp or quick.

Yet I will try to speak,
stumbling over words like protruding stones
on the path that leads to graceful expression.

I cannot find poetic phrases
to express my secret thoughts.

Forgive my lack of polish.
Seek to understand that which is hidden
In the melody of my song...

I was with Prince on you need a florish at the end. A musician, myself, I write using a guitar to help compose at times.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[motherhubbard]

Forgive my crude language.
Seek to understand the hidden stone.
I will share my song.



Unsophisticated
Forgive my lack of polish.
Seek to understand that which is hidden
In the melody of my song...


I'm trying to think about this. What I like about that hidden stone is it makes me think of two different things. One is a hidden jewel or treasure. Like there might be something precious or valuable in there if I could just dig it up and others had eyes to see. The second thing is that stone is like an inner strength or gumption. I think I’ll have to unearth that before I can really say what I want to say. A bit like when people say something about someone having stones, but they really mean balls.
I’ve always wanted a pair! Even if they were tiny. :blush: :D :thumbs_up :lol:

I'm at a loss right now. I'll try again during the night. I really do appreciate all of the help. I do not wish you would quit.

[Granny5]

I think this is beautiful. Knowing you so well, I understand exactly what you are saying and why. All I can really say about it is "PROUD".