When he was gone

[Bii]

Had to withdraw this.

[Pendragon]

Very touching. I like these lines best, B.



I wasn’t sure myself.
Instead I grew an extra heart for you,
built from all my dreams,
a bushel of tolerance,
a tonne of understanding,
an acre of hope.


http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[jon1jt]

i'm with pen, but i think you let in too easy to this notion of penance as it pertains to the situation at hand. if anyone messes with your books and CD's, time to get out the broom--that'll show 'em. and this poem is too depressing. i'm going to leave now.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Heartbreaking and very very beautiful. Thanks.

[Virgil]

Very nice Bii. I like it a lot. The lines that Pen highlights are great. I also like

Instead his accusations lie
in the absences;
in the empty wardrobe,
in the lonely set of keys
on the hallway table,
in the gap-toothed idiot smiles
of the CD rack and bookcase.

One mild reserevation, and perhaps it's just me. The last line seems too pat, seems like the narrator is jealous. I don't know. The short line at the end like that seems to want to summarize the poem but to me seems to come from another emotion. If it is a summary it seems dissonant to me. But that's my perception. A very nice poem.

[ampoule]

A poem inspired by the 'and the word is' thread, when the word was 'penance'.

When he was gone

I wonder if you still recall
the day he left.
A quiet exit, accomplished
without slammed doors
and querulous voices,
or broken crockery.
Instead his accusations lie
in the absences;
in the empty wardrobe,
in the lonely set of keys
on the hallway table,
in the gap-toothed idiot smiles
of the CD rack and bookcase.
Over time even
his scent has disappeared,
and only mine remains.

And you, you were so young,
how could I explain
why he had gone?
I wasn’t sure myself.
Instead I grew an extra heart for you,
built from all my dreams,
a bushel of tolerance,
a tonne of understanding,
an acre of hope.
A heart to replace the love
he took away.
Yet here we are, and you
are in your room,
door closed,
a back turned against me.
You always loved him more.


Oh Bii, this is so beautiful and the last line speaks volumes....that self-flagellation, that pity party so many of us attend over and over, that penance for the ones who grow extra hearts and never quite believe it is enough. Something in this reminds me of a line from The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan...

The old woman remembered a swan she had bought many years ago in Shanghai for a foolish sum. "This bird", boasted the market vendor, "was once a duck that stretched its neck in hopes of becoming a goose. And now look, it is too beautiful to eat!" Then the woman and the swan sailed across an ocean many thousands of lei wide, stretching their necks toward America. On her journey, she cooed to the swan, "In America, I will have a daughter just like me. But over there, nobody will say her worth is measured by the loudness of her husbands belch. Over there, nobody will look down on her because I will make her speak only perfect American English. And over there, she will always be too full to swallow any sorrow. She will know my meaning because I will give her this swan, a creature that became more than what was hoped for." But when she arrived in the new country the immigration officials pulled the swan away from her, leaving the woman fluttering her arms and with only one swan feather for a memory. For a long time now, the women had wanted to give her daughter the single swan feather and tell her; "This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions."

...and anyone who wants to add to any word or thought in the 'and the word is' thread is very very welcome to do so....at any time....and please do.

[Pensive]

This made my heart ache! So touching but wonderful.