A major edit in a previous poem

[Adolescent09]

Tell me what you think if you want.

My Fog: The Moral Cleaner

I sat in a sunset's dip of glean;
its pre-rain trickles dressed in form
to wash my shoulder's decked forlorn--

just like a friend on whose shoulder you lean,
When adversity is a face in all that you've seen,
It seeped up my woe in an evil conform,
and flung it to the turbulent crest of a storm.

My whims were unleashed in melodious green,
Spare sockets of fog rising pupils doth showed,
Creatures of life for life it was,
that syrup-drip-frost-licked the leaf of a bow,
fleece enshrined clumps of mushroomed fuzz,
which grew from the birth of a seed moist sowed
and twirled serenades of a bee-strung tune of buzz

[Adolescent09]

It was written in sonnet style so I had to force the appropriate rhymes a bit.

[Shalot]

I like it. I am no poetry expert so my comments may be useless to you, but just as a lay person reading it, here are my thoughts: The first part is solid but during the last half, you can kind of tell that you forced some of your rhymes (the way you said in your post).

I don't write poetry and I am certainly not trying to cut you down or anything like that --- just trying to tell you what strikes me as a lay person reading it for the first time.

but yeah, the first part is amazing:




I sat in a sunset's dip of glean;
its pre-rain trickles dressed in form
to wash my shoulder's decked forlorn--

just like a friend on whose shoulder you lean,
When adversity is a face in all that you've seen,
It seeped up my woe in an evil conform,
and flung it to the turbulent crest of a storm.


after this is where it seemed awkward to me -- don't know if this is what you were referring to though.

[Adolescent09]

Yes, the last part is clumsy as hell but I couldn't do anything about it (or at least to the extent of my ability). The first part sounds smooth and I agree with you and appreciate your compliment. The rest needs shelling over but I'll work on it some other time.

[Pendragon]

My advice is always the same, 'Dole. Rhyme should never be forced.