started writing again...

[darkwolf]

well, i started writing again and felt like getting some critiques.
this is just a really really short one i made in about 85seconds. il post some longer stuff up later :)


Untitled:

raped by utter panic
while this cold dread
creeps through my veins
walking cheerfully into this valley of shadows
where all hope is dead


no. 2

untitled:

The smoking gun
Cries
as the sleeping son
Dies
the father watches with cold dead
Eyes

the mother's shouts echoing dread
their hands on her Thighs
leaving her barely alive

too much liqueur
for these allies
drunk on glory
they raped their prize

yet here I stand
to tell the story
however gory
for this is not
the law of the land.

[symphony]

i'm not sure if "walking cheerfully" goes with the overall image.
neat work, by the way :thumbs_up

[stephofthenight]

tis intresting...ive never realy encountered a poem like this.

[quasimodo1]

"I see the red door and want to paint it black" the Rolling Stones

[Debrasue]

I like it!...."walking cheerfully into this valley of shadows"....reminds me somewhat of 'whistling in the dark...'

[darkwolf]

edited a small grammatical typo

[darkwolf]

heres the longer one, i wrote this since my last post about half an hour ago.

The smoking gun
Cries
as the sleeping son
Dies
the father watches with cold dead
Eyes

the mother's shouts echoing dread
their hands on her Thighs
leaving her barely alive

too much liqueur
for these allies
drunk on glory
they raped their prize

yet here I stand
to tell the story
however gory
for this is not
the law of the land.

[darkwolf]

bump in case nobody sees the 2nd one :)