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andave_ya
07-05-2007, 09:40 PM
Now see what you made me do! :lol: This is for you all, seriously. If it weren't for your encouragement this wouldn't have come.

Rivers of hurt running deep through my veins
The melancholy weight of time is insistent in the waternoise
Threads through like the haunting music of a time forgot.
I tread through silent cathedrals,
Hoping to find myself in the solitude
But I see only girlish ghosts of myself peering through the stately pillars.
Even my Books bring no solace; there are no words of comfort here.
I must bear my burden alone.
My Music no longer holds enchantment.
The chords I once thrilled to are dead, flat.
As are my hopes lying the dark grave with you,
My daughter.

Your father left me after you were born
"Not a son!" he thundered, and left.
Those who pretended friendship because of Him too.
No one would take us in, and I wasn't strong enough for work.
No one would even take you alone, my sweet.
Tears coursed down my face as I watched your body turn frail and gaunt
from lack of nourishment.
Your baby's laugh a wispy gurgle.
Then you turned cold, like winter's chill
And I knew spring would never come
And put blossoms in your cheeks,
My daughter!

I sought refuge here with the sisters.
Free of child, now no longer shunned.
But I am stifled here. Stifled!
There is no free air to lighten my heart.
No laughter to remind me that life moves on!
No dark to hide me from the world!
I must leave at once!
My chains are broken, my prison bars unloosed.
Decorum is beyond my grasp.
I run; tears flowing; dress billowing in the wind!
The edge of the cliff invites
Forgive me, my daughter!

I had the line "Rivers of hurt running deep through my veins" running through my brain and I wanted to write something in the same vein as "The Highwayman" or "The Lady of Shalott" and this is what happened! Of course it can't exactly be compared to those, obviously...:D I'm a little scared of it, too! It took a mind of its own after each verse. Please tell me what you think, and again, please critique thoroughly.

Adolescent09
07-05-2007, 10:12 PM
Terrific. But you don't need my kudos. Everyone else will be here soon.. lol.

Pensive
07-06-2007, 12:46 PM
This is very good, andave ya! Very emotional as well, made me feel with the narrator. Her story is surely gloomy, but well-written! :)

Just two little things:


No laughter to remind me that live moves on!

You mean 'life', don't you? It seems like a typo.



I must leave here at once!

And I think it might look better if you write 'I must leave at one' Don't use 'here'. Just an opinion.

symphony
07-06-2007, 12:57 PM
I tread through silent cathedrals,
Hoping to find myself in the solitude
w-o-o-o-o-w :D

Nossa
07-06-2007, 01:44 PM
There is no free air to lighten my heart.
No laughter to remind me that live moves on!
No dark to hide me from the world!
I must leave here at once!




:( You brought tears to my eyes. Simply fantastic!

andave_ya
07-07-2007, 06:30 PM
Thanks guys for all the lovely compliments. Pensive, I'm so glad you pointed out the typo, and your suggestion sounded better too, so that's fixed.

Did you guys think it's melodramatic at all? I did, so I took it to my Mom and she said that the problem was with the second verse, that it was stereotyped and cheesy. She pinpointed the problem with her usual uncanny accuracy. I'm going to rework the poem eventually and post a different second verse for you to choose from. Thanks.

Pensive
07-08-2007, 03:38 AM
Thanks guys for all the lovely compliments. Pensive, I'm so glad you pointed out the typo, and your suggestion sounded better too, so that's fixed.

Did you guys think it's melodramatic at all? I did, so I took it to my Mom and she said that the problem was with the second verse, that it was stereotyped and cheesy. She pinpointed the problem with her usual uncanny accuracy. I'm going to rework the poem eventually and post a different second verse for you to choose from. Thanks.

You are welcome! :)

As for what your mother has said about it, I think she is right. The second verse (to me, it's only the first half) looks cliched.


Your father left me after you were born
"Not a son!" he thundered, and left.
Those who pretended friendship because of Him too.
No one would take us in, and I wasn't strong enough for work.
No one would even take you alone, my sweet.

But I think it can still do if you don't change it, but a change might be better! :) Goodluck!