A li'l something!

[symphony]

By a sudden inspiration from the last haiku in the shared haiku game, a rough rhymey something came out! :p

Here goes.

Against the blue waters
a small paperboat shivers
and wonders
what life offers...

A gigantic wave
rushes upon, lethal and naive,
the paperboat goes flying-- with not a hand to save--
and prepares to meet a blue grave.

Another wave, and yet another,
and a sudden stone appear
and the boat finds a shelter--
and looks for what else life may offer...

[Virgil]

Nice symphony. I really like the openning stanza.

Against the blue waters
a small paperboat shivers
and wonders
what life offers...
Very vivid and quickly captres the tension of the situation. Also has an element of absudity, the fact that a paperboat can shiver and wonder.

The second stanza is also pretty good with one exception. This line, "the paperboat goes flying-- with not a hand to save--" I think carries two if not cliches certainly mundane language. "Goes flying" sounds like a common kid talking. But that may be intentional, continuing the absurdity motif. If you intended that, then I think the word choice is good, otherwise you might want to reconsider it. But "with not a hand to save" is way too common and I think it is a cliche.

The third stanza is also pretty good except for one word choice, which could improve the stanza. "and the boat finds a shelter--" I think you can do better than the word "shelter". Shelter is not visual. Perhaps a word like cave or cavern or port or harbor. This would make this stanza as visual as the first. Oh, one grammatical mistake: appears needs and "s". It should be a "stone appears."

Oh, by the way, you need a title. :)

[Pendragon]

Nice poem indeed. And I agree with Virgil, a boat needs a harbor, a cove, a lagoon, or something of that nature. But Virgil *chuckle* take a good look at your "grammatical" advice: Oh, one grammatical mistake: appears needs and "s". Un-huh. You mean "an 's'". http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Red.gif

Sorry, mon ami, I couldn't resist! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[Charles Darnay]

I agree that this is a very good poem overall, I really enjoyed the first stanza. If I may make one small suggestion: Describing the wind as naive doesn't seem to fit with the overal "character" of the wind.

[ampoule]

Oh you guys, how badly you have done gone and been picking on each otheres mistakers. :D :D :D


Loved your poem miss symphony. We all need a place to rest and take stock.

[symphony]

The second stanza is also pretty good with one exception. This line, "the paperboat goes flying-- with not a hand to save--" I think carries two if not cliches certainly mundane language. "Goes flying" sounds like a common kid talking. But that may be intentional, continuing the absurdity motif. If you intended that, then I think the word choice is good, otherwise you might want to reconsider it. But "with not a hand to save" is way too common and I think it is a cliche.

Thanks Virgil, for taking the time to read it.
I didnt actually mean it to be a very mature poem, it's like this- the idea just struck me out of the blue and i *just wrote* it :p . Funny how it got so many responses, nice anyway. :lol:
Virgil, I think i'll keep the "goes flying" bit, since i want the poem to sound a little childish (it's one of those "hehe!-things" ...) but yes i think a change in the "with not a hand to save" may treat the poem right. Any suggestions, anyone?- on what that change might be? :) (any change in this poem by me is no more possible, once the "rough rush" is gone, it's gone! )


Nice poem indeed. And I agree with Virgil, a boat needs a harbor, a cove, a lagoon, or something of that nature.
Aright. "Harbor" it is, then?


I agree that this is a very good poem overall, I really enjoyed the first stanza. If I may make one small suggestion: Describing the wind as naive doesn't seem to fit with the overal "character" of the wind.
Hmmm gotta agree to that too. Would "brave" sound too childish? :D
And am i sounding completely imbecile for wanting to make these words rhyme? :D



Loved your poem miss symphony. We all need a place to rest and take stock.
Thanks, ampoule, I've read ur poems too and loved most of them. :) Positive feedbacks from a good writer always means much to me. So thanks again :) .


I didnt take this poem very seriously when i wrote it, one of the reasons why i didnt even include this in the thread of my personal poetries. The comments now make me think otherwise! LOL Niamh was so right about this! The rough entries always get the eyes! :lol: