My feeble attempt at impersonatin Jon1jt

[Adolescent09]

I hope you're not offended by this Jon, but I was so captivated by your style that I thought it would be interesting if I tried something remotely like it...
Here is what I came up with in a matter of minutes... Can you tell me how I can improve or what I should do perhaps? Is it too wordy?

Your input along with everyone elses will be greatly appreciated:

The Micro’s Virulent Villas

The anomalous peak dripped murky dews on
a nape of felicitous eels–
which slithered my dermis and pitched tent in subcutaneous
holds gregariously wheedling effigies to double helix their vesicles—.

Spotted dwellers solace out their dwellings
with kinky cormorants jiggling to jocund,
gibberish on marble quads
which once ticked a life of tocks on a red besmirch of leaps.

Their lucidity birthed perversive lengths on the vertebral column
unprepared for bacillus impede. It tore the
equator of a moral sternum to dome from the beats of a saga
my heart lost tone in telling.

[Virgil]

:lol: :lol: I'm not sure it's a great impersonation, but I enjoyed it Adol. I'm not sure I understood it but my favorite is the first stanza:

The anomalous peak dripped murky dews on
a nape of felicitous eels–
which slithered my dermis and pitched tent in subcutaneous
holds gregariously wheedling effigies to double helix their vesicles—.
That does sound like Jon. The other stanzas don't remind me of him, except for the word "cormorants". What fun, though. Perhpas we should all try to impersonate Jon. I will have to give it a try myself. :D

[Adolescent09]

Perhaps we should Virg, and thanks a heap for your input. I'm glad it choked a couple laughing smilies out of you. I feel flattered.

[dramasnot6]

It's a good poem Adol, but it sounds a little like you're just stringing cool sounding words together to make a fairly inaccesable meaning. What I love about jons poetry is that,although he uses brilliant vocabulary, every word and even every bit of punctuation goes to creating a mood.


my heart lost tone in telling.
that was a beautiful line, maybe try to make the rest a bit more personal like that. your imagery throughout is superb, but put a little love and feeling into each description to achieve a truly captivating mood.

[Adolescent09]

Actually I noticed that in Jon's intriguing poetry and I tried to do that with this. It turned out a bit too convoluded because I add a lot of technical biological words (heh, I've been learning biology for 3 years now) instead of stringing it all together in a beautiful, moody tone. You're right and thanks for your input.

[Debrasue]

Uhmmm.....I had loads of fun reading it!!! The imagery is fascinating...and when you want to try something new...ya gotta start somewhere...and Jon1jt's style is very interesting & unique....good try!

[symphony]

*the poor li'l south-asian goes looking for her dict!!*
the bio-words are okay with me (i'm a 12-grade science student) but the others arent!! :eek:
will be back when i manage to get what the poem says :p

oh well i looked up a few words and here i am again...

like Virgil, i too like the first stanza more. and i'm not sure i understood the 2nd stanza well:

Spotted dwellers solace out their dwellings
with kinky cormorants jiggling to jocund,
gibberish on marble quads
which once ticked a life of tocks on a red besmirch of leaps.

I think the imagery of the whole poem is fabulous and everything, but still all those words dont add to the beauty of the poem itself... ornamental words cant be the chief substance of a poem. But thats just my opinion and u dont have to take my word for it. All in all, I appreciate ur trying to take in a new style and u're sure making a good start. :) :thumbs_up

[jon1jt]

I hope you're not offended by this Jon, but I was so captivated by your style that I thought it would be interesting if I tried something remotely like it...
Here is what I came up with in a matter of minutes... Can you tell me how I can improve or what I should do perhaps? Is it too wordy?

Your input along with everyone elses will be greatly appreciated:

The Micro’s Virulent Villas

The anomalous peak dripped murky dews on
a nape of felicitous eels–
which slithered my dermis and pitched tent in subcutaneous
holds gregariously wheedling effigies to double helix their vesicles—.

Spotted dwellers solace out their dwellings
with kinky cormorants jiggling to jocund,
gibberish on marble quads
which once ticked a life of tocks on a red besmirch of leaps.

Their lucidity birthed perversive lengths on the vertebral column
unprepared for bacillus impede. It tore the
equator of a moral sternum to dome from the beats of a saga
my heart lost tone in telling.


It's a good poem Adol, but it sounds a little like you're just stringing cool sounding words together to make a fairly inaccesable meaning. What I love about jons poetry is that,although he uses brilliant vocabulary, every word and even every bit of punctuation goes to creating a mood.


that was a beautiful line, maybe try to make the rest a bit more personal like that. your imagery throughout is superb, but put a little love and feeling into each description to achieve a truly captivating mood.


i've always said here and elsewhere that if it's simple poetry you're after, one that gives meaning and takes the reader from point A to point B, there's plenty of that out there, and many poets do so extraordinarily well. and much of it is quite inspiring, honest work. you're not, however, going to find that to be the case with my poems.

i find it quite interesting that you used the word, 'gibberish', in your poem. surely ye jest.

to imitate my "style" assumes that you understand what it is i'm attempting to do within the framework of the style, and from this poem you conveyed to me that you haven't a clue. this is not a criticism against you or your new poem, just a factual observation as your admission was that god could hit you with a mahogany board and you still wouldn't understand my recent poem. can i imitate the style and the experience that inspires your work??? can one ever do that?

i received a letter some months back from the editor of The New Yorker Magazine rejecting the poems i submitted for publication on the basis that they were too resolved. other such esteemed literary outfits seem to agree. so if you are ever to become a successful poet, one whose work is read far and wide in the magazines and anthologies, perhaps a book of your own, i highly recommend that you not follow my style. i fear that you would only be destroying your potential as a writer, and people may call you names and laugh at your work. some may privately think that you try too hard to sound like a poet, stringing words together that make no sense, have no meaning, no subject matter. and i'd feel terribly responsible for you failing.

i'm happy that you read my poem and it inspired you in some small way to think and respond creatively. follow the beat of your own heart adol, let it lead you to where it is that you need to be.


thank you, dramas. my half-buddha bow to you.

[Pendragon]

Admit that you had fun with it, 'Dole, and it was a fun read. And Jon, those stuffy magazines would reject "The Raven" were Poe alive today. Try smaller magazines first and work up the line. I gave up before I got there, but I did hit a few nice magazines.

Do not be discouraged 'Dole... write away!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[jon1jt]

Admit that you had fun with it, 'Dole, and it was a fun read. And Jon, those stuffy magazines would reject "The Raven" were Poe alive today. Try smaller magazines first and work up the line. I gave up before I got there, but I did hit a few nice magazines.

Do not be discouraged 'Dole... write away!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

that's a great point about the The Raven not standing a chance at being published today. it's those establishment magazines, all their fault! :lol: