unnamed

[daisyfields]

South of the village La Boisselle in the Somme departmént
He marched. The lingering odour of bloody carcus
In shallow graves he could not bare. No he could not.
It is where he lost his arm, you know. Bang bang aucun bras.
That was what they called him. That’s how he came

Home to me. I hold him close at night so he will not go again.
I told him I will always wait, but he is silent.
Mother thinks it awful, such a man for her little girl.
And brother shouts and pants at the thought of
His best friend from his youngest years
In my arms.

What do they know. They do not have the ears to
Hear him. Only He listens to me sweetly, attentively.
I sit bare. Unclothed. Peaceful. Beautiful.
We are stuck together. I will never leave his side.
Them tempting Sugar-coated Apples tantalise us.

Nancy had him in her arms, hugged close to her breast
As she played a likely game of dress up.
Disgusted betrayal run through my lips as I cried
And quivered at such thoughts. He told her he was
A farmer called Sam. Lost his arm by a dogs bite.


any critical comments, or just comments, will be very much appreciated!
thank you for reading
all my love x

[daisyfields]

i just posted this in another forum and got awful responses so im very sorry.
im unqualified, and i want actual tips, not just someone telling me how awful i am.
it is about childhood, feeling alone and how you form a relationship with a toy, in this case a doll.
thanks

[jon1jt]

i'm not sure if the Somme reference is to WWI, but "bloody carcus" sealed it for me. if so, the imagery reflecting in stark, this-is-the-way-it-was language, captures that bleak landscape of carnage.

i would snip, "beautiful" and perhaps "peaceful" as well. "I will never leave his side" is already implied.

What do they know. They do not have the ears to
Hear him. Only He listens to me sweetly, attentively.
I sit bare. Unclothed. We are stuck together. Them
tempting Sugarcoated Apples tantalise us.


the line, "I sit bare. Unclothed" is gorgeous and i lose myself in it, as with, "Them tempting Sugar-coated Apples tantalise us."

"Disgusted betrayal run through my lips"
darkly sensual, sparingly beautiful, impure. the ache and surrender to love transparent, yet mysterious---even if the doll happens not to be a personification.

as far as people telling you that this is an awful poem, follow the beat of your heart and close your ears to the noise of jealous mouths. --great poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

i just posted this in another forum and got awful responses so im very sorry.
im unqualified, and i want actual tips, not just someone telling me how awful i am.
it is about childhood, feeling alone and how you form a relationship with a toy, in this case a doll.
thanks

There will always be troglodytes lurking for the opportunity to put others down. More often than not they haven't had an original thought of their own in ages.

I can't say that I understood this poem perfectly but don't take that as a criticism of it: it has the stamp of someone who sees vividly andhasa good imagination.

[Debrasue]

daisyfields...I love your poem! It did help me visualize better once I knew it was about a doll...(duh!, as I smack my forehead!)...Of course!...and then it all made perfect and beautiful sense....actually...I found it very creative, insightful and entertaining....sorry I'm not qualified to help with poetic form,etc...but it's a lovely poem.....like jon1jt says...'follow the beat of your heart and close your ears to jealous mouths'....I like that!

Your last verse is...to me ..quite profound!...Yeah!...I get it!

[Niamh]

i agree with debrasue. once i knew it was about a doll i could visualise it and understand the poem. Nice.

[ampoule]

What a nice poem to wake up to this morning. As I read it, I pictured a young man coming home from war, maimed, and with stinking memories of it all. There was a woman waiting for him, accepting him, no matter what. But the line...'I told him I would always wait, but he is silent', seems to set up his fooling around with Nancy. With her, he could reinvent himself and forget a little more.
And then to find out it's about a doll. Very clever. Maybe everyone sees that but I did not and I did the very same thing with my poem, Bad Dog. Everyone thought it was a sad little poem about a dog.
Anyway, I really liked your poem.

[Niamh]

no i thought it was about the war as well at first, but i can see the doll thing aswell.

[Charles Darnay]

I think I share the general opinion of "it was a doll? didnt catch that." Even so, I thought it was a beautiful poem, well written, well paced: the last stanza especially...fantastic.

Perhaps a title, subtly suggesting that she is a doll?

[Debrasue]

What a nice poem to wake up to this morning. As I read it, I pictured a young man coming home from war, maimed, and with stinking memories of it all. There was a woman waiting for him, accepting him, no matter what. But the line...'I told him I would always wait, but he is silent', seems to set up his fooling around with Nancy. With her, he could reinvent himself and forget a little more.
And then to find out it's about a doll. Very clever. Maybe everyone sees that but I did not and I did the very same thing with my poem, Bad Dog. Everyone thought it was a sad little poem about a dog.
Anyway, I really liked your poem.This is how I was visualizing it also...but the doll scenario is much more powerful & ingenius...

:lol: Ampoule....your poem's not a sad story about a little dog??? I must read it again then!!!!

[stephofthenight]

this is realy good, i like it

[Pendragon]

I think Jon said it best for all of us: Fooey of the dolts who think this poem is worthless! It's darn good, and some people get jealous, that's what it is! Don't stop writing because of the naysaying of others. One of Dr. Seuss' bestselling books was rejected by something like 50 editors. Many of them would have loved to had the chance to have been the first run publisher later!

Pen

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