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View Full Version : Would like some honest feedback



aquamoonmaiden
06-30-2007, 01:45 AM
I'm new here. I've got quite a few poems stored up from many years of writing, but I'll just start with one. Thanks for your time. Here goes:

The Seventh Circle

Descending down the darkened way
As fear begins to creep over me
I know it would be useless to pray
No one would feel any sympathy

There it is, the black river
Water as dark as the night's sky
My soul is what I must deliver
To the buried flames so high

Once across, the fear becomes deep
As I see the gates stand tall
For his domain, watch he must keep
The three-headed beast serves one, defies all

The king of the caverns of stone
Keeps everything under his ruling hand
Your fate is judged by him alone
Every soul is under his command

I have traveled thus far within
And shall not turn
I lay my soul before him
Sparked, I watch it burn

His decision has been made
I prepare to meet my fate
For repentance I never prayed
Knowing it is much too late

Brimstone and fire surround
The site of my final grave
Here I shall never drown
Condemned to be fate's slave

I am cast below the surface
Into the boiling depths
There is no hope for solace
And no use for regrets

This river of blood I suffer in
Is overseen by a beast of depravity
Everyone below is of one kin
All souls whip in agony

The burning blood offers no peace
The heat I cannot bear
I break the surface for release
And catch the vigilant stare

His arrow is drawn with such skill
His gaze is fixed ahead
He impales my heart as if to kill
But I am already dead

He shrugs my scream with a smile
Infernal laughter follows the grin
Another pierced soul, the wound so vile
Shot down for committing that sin

symphony
06-30-2007, 03:41 AM
I liked it very much. It'd hv been a bit easier if more punctuation marks were used. And I think it may be "He shrugs my scream off with a smile", I'm not sure though. Anyway, well done, very well done. :)

Pendragon
06-30-2007, 10:26 AM
Nice poem, good narriative flow. As Sy said, maybe some quotation marks could be inserted. But the poem will keep one's interest.

Welcome to Poetry Section. We are running two contests, and need more poets for the picture contest. Jump right in! For the picture contest, one must poetically interput a picture posted by the last winner. For the form poetry contest, one must write a poem according to the patten given by the last winner. Simple as that!

Good luck!

Pen


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