Just One Day

[Pensive]

Okay, I was sitting outside in this beautiful morning, couldn't help taking hold of a pen and write this poem down.

Your comments (whether harsh or encouraging) would be very much appreciated! :)


The stormy night has gone away
It gives a chance to the calm day
To bring a smile on the face of this girl;
Sleepless, unhappy, and alone
On this rising sun now
She has placed all her hope
By seeing the beauty the pleasant day holds
Would her unhappiness mould?
In the view is standing a tree
Tall and erect
She sees how with birds it does interact
Chirping birds and so pretty
Free and fair
Moving here and there
Making her happy at first
But after a time, she starts feeling hurt
They are free, she is not
They can travell; all by their own which she can not
Expressing themselves to other birds without any care which she can not
Look at the irony people
How she considered!
Human beings the best of all creatures
Hated those not happy with what they are
Despised envy
Resented those changing in minutes
A sight had forced her to change so much
So can the next sight
Would she hate herself now?
Unhappy is she now
Then a pityful breeze comes from somewhere
Giving life to her
The touch of breeze
Along with the sight of blue sky
Brings some joy
A blue sky - not black
Is there any form of prettiness that it lack?
She looks around and see
Again the tree
The tree she had planted
Her very own tree
Bearing fruit
Would that make her happy?
She watches as its leaves dance with the wind
Seem to be singing along with the free birds on its branches
She gets dreamy, and thinks and thinks
While rainy water on the ground sends to sky a wink
But unaware of anything, she thinks pensively
Until some thought makes her smile merrily
The tree had faced the night
It had to fight
Sleepless it had been
But it overcame night with all its might
Now, it sang and danced and actually 'lived'
So would she after having fought with her oponents
So would she!
One day had taught her too much, the tree
Along with its friends had made her learn enough
One thing these living things, though seem-ingly different from each other, have in common
To struggle for existence
To struggle for happiness

[symphony]

Nice. :) My favourite part was:

She watches as its leaves dance with the wind
Seem to be singing along with the free birds on its branches
She gets dreamy, and thinks and thinks
While rainy water on the ground sends to sky a wink
But unaware of anything, she thinks pensively
Until some thought makes her smile merrily
The tree had faced the night
It had to fight
Sleepless it had been
But it overcame night with all its might
Now, it sang and danced and actually 'lived'

[dramasnot6]

That was so lovely Pensive! I love how you structured the poem, it flowed so smoothly.
The only trouble I had reading it is that you sometimes bounced from idea to idea too quickly between lines, maybe work on the transitions a little.
the last two lines are powerful, I liked them.
I also loved:

The stormy night has gone away
It gives a chance to the calm day
To bring a smile on the face of this girl;
Sleepless, unhappy, and alone
On this rising sun now
She has placed all her hope
By seeing the beauty the pleasant day holds
Would her unhappiness mould?
In the view is standing a tree
Tall and erect
She sees how with birds it does interact
Chirping birds and so pretty
Free and fair
Moving here and there

[Pendragon]

The tree had faced the night
It had to fight
Sleepless it had been
But it overcame night with all its might
Now, it sang and danced and actually 'lived'
So would she after having fought with her oponents
So would she!
One day had taught her too much, the tree
Along with its friends had made her learn enough
One thing these living things, though seem-ingly different from each other, have in common
To struggle for existence


Lovely, Pensy. Liked this part especially. I planted my own tree once when I first got sick, it was going fine, but I had to move it, and it didn't survive the transplant. However, my Lilac, my link to my childhood, is doing very well! And we can learn from them all.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[Pensive]

Thanks a lot really, symphony, dramasnot, and Pen for your very much encouraging comments! :)


Lovely, Pensy. Liked this part especially. I planted my own tree once when I first got sick, it was going fine, but I had to move it, and it didn't survive the transplant. However, my Lilac, my link to my childhood, is doing very well! And we can learn from them all.

Ah sorry about your tree which couldn't survive. I can relate to it. This tree I had got planted when quite little, might have to be cut, and I feel really bad for it. It's a kind of strange but I can't help this feeling. :(

Anyway, I am glad for your Lilac. At least you have got it. :)


The only trouble I had reading it is that you sometimes bounced from idea to idea too quickly between lines, maybe work on the transitions a little.

You seem to be very right here. Actually, while writing it, I had no structure in my mind; nothing. Just free thoughts. I have tried to think of any way to improve this, but it seems to be difficult to do that. I would try to work on that, I hope I succeed...though there are few chances of that.

Thanks again for all your comments! :D I'm always looking forward to them. :D

[Niamh]

O i love this poem Pensive!

[Pensive]

I am glad you liked it, Niamh. :)

[formality hater]

Its amazing!
A beautiful morning conjured a spell! :)

[Pensive]

Its amazing!
A beautiful morning conjured a spell! :)

Yes, it did. This girl in my poem, she is not good at blocking such spells! :D

Thanks for reading the poem and taking the time to comment on it! :)