re-opening the scabbes

[daniel mata]

this is a poem i wrote just now, its about reminicing on my past and re-opening the scabbes, my past has not been very good, i hope this is better than my last one, and once i again i welcome constructive criticism.

as i open my mind to things once reality, i believe my whole
existence was one big fatality. i reopen the scabbes of wounds
now healed, to scan them over, faith is my shield.i take a walk
down memory lane, and back comes the pain, i wish i had not done
so, becous now everything is reclaimed. i reopend the scabbes, and
out blood poured, like demonic rain, or your heart pirced with
a sword. the blood was dark red, like that of the dead. i feel in
my heart the time has now come, for me to close these scabbes, and
leave them alone for good

the end dosent rhyme as you can tell lol, i decide i wanted to put that as the ending anyway.

[Bii]

Hi Daniel, you've got some good images here, and a strong theme, but I get the sense that you have poured down your thoughts and posted a first draft, rather than revisiting and tightening it up to strengthen the poem. I'm not aware of any poet who doesn't need to edit, and my impression here is that this needs some cutting back. You also need to consider spelling and punctutation, but these are refining points, rather than a criticism of the poem.

Your theme is very powerful, and I particularly enjoyed the following lines:

"I reopen the scabbes of wounds now healed"

"out blood poured, like demonic rain"

"leave them alone for good"

I've had a go at stripping the poem down a little without trying to alter the images or the theme in any way. Hopefully this will give you a better sense of what I mean, when I talk about editting as a way of strengthening the poem.

I open my mind to things once reality;
was my whole existence one big fatality?
Reopen the scabs of wounds now healed,
scan them over, with faith as my shield.
Walking down memory lane returns the pain.
Now everything is reclaimed.

I reopen the scab,
and blood pours like demonic rain,
or your heart pierced with a sword;
blood dark red like that of the dead.
In my heart I feel the time has come
to close these scabs,
and leave them alone for good

Use or ignore as you see fit - as always a poem belongs to the poet and you should always treat any comments as suggestions - there's no right and wrong in so far as poetry is concerned.

Keep at it, and I look forward to seeing future postings :)

[Pendragon]

A good poem, good images, and B has done what I would have advised, restructuring. Like she says, the poem is the poet's, but I don't think she has changed any lines except to correct spelling, so I'd accept the restructed poem!

In all reality, go for it, get it down when you have it in mind. If you feel it needs work or help, ask for it and others are here for that. There are no expert poets here, we all help each other. I've changed mine because others found a better way to go for me. But if you don't feel the poem is better, stick to what you have. Help, not hinder, is our goal as poets on the forum!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Bravo.gif

Pen

[Bii]

Well said Pen! I think we all start with the 'getting something down' point (I certainly do), then submit to the torture that is editing.

[jon1jt]

a good idea, a good 'something' to start with, but i'm not convinced. you also should proof read your work or use spell check. start with 'pirced' and 'becous.'

[ampoule]

I like the way he has written it out because it looks darker, to match the theme of the poem, and not sing-songy. To be honest, until I read his note about the last line not rhyming, I did not know it rhymed, and for me that was good, though not very observant. LOL And I don't mean to talk like you're not there mr. mata, because you are.