Smile

[Green Utopia]

Hi folks
Enjoy and of you have comments don't feel shy to say..lol.Why?



Humorous Quotations:



A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.......Fred Allen



The worse part of having success is to try having someone who is happy for you...Bitte Midler(attrib.)



The trouble with the world is that the stupid are ****sure and the intelligent full of doubt.........Bertrand Russell



The brain is wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.....Robert Frost


I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going…Lord Birkett



Universities are full of knowledge; the freshmen bring a little in and seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates…..Abbott Lawrence Lowell



If you think that education is expensive try ignorance…Derek bok







THERE IS BIG WORK TO DO AND THERE IS LESSER TO DO . AND THE TASK WE MUST DO IS THE NEAR..
YOURS,
GREEN UTOPIA

[evulik]

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are ****sure and the intelligent full of doubt.........Bertrand Russell

I like this one. I was always wondering why it is this way, there must be something (that brings doubt when turned off) in the brain that is pushed into corner in the case there is a lot of intelligence, and when there is a lack of it, one has endless ways of proving it.
but I guess it's perfect and perfectly in balance, what can make you smile more than somebody sure of himself/herself acting like a fool. I enjoy it, having one of a kind in my office hihi and since it is monday I am waiting with a cup of coffee to see what this day can possibly bring me :p

what do you think about this one? there were also another posted, but for this I would need to create special thread for it
;)
When you are dating... A single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. - When you are married... A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating... He calls you by name. - When you are married... He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She".

[Green Utopia]

Thank you very much for your nice comment
You are correct considering the example you have mentioned
But …sorry ,I am not interested in the quotation ..you posted..

Dating is forbidden in Islam..as a Muslim female I have to fear Allah even when I am alone..and I should obey Allah in the open and in concealed

The legal and healthy relationship is through marriage. It is considered as strong bond where the couples enjoys mutual rights.

For marriage ..It depends on the morals the two couples have… how to treat your wife with much respect and understanding ..how to take care of your children… how to raise them up ..it is a great responsibility. No matter of the beautiful girls you see ..this is your wife and this is your life so take care..


For dating..it is forbidden in Islam for our good. You now what such dangerous diseases it cause..of course, psychologically and physically bad...


YOURS,
GREEN UTOPIA



Seeking for knowledge is an endless process

[evulik]

oh well, I will try to find next time something more appropriate for you.

of course I do not take from you what you said and I appreciate that you did not take away from me what I said. I have one friend of mine that is from Tunisia and she has similar (if not the same, what do I know about it) beliefs... I find it interesting, but that is as far as I can go with it.

We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.
--Raquel Welch

[emily655321]

I thought it was funny, Evulik. :D

Utopia -- I love that Robert Frost quote!
The Bertrand Russell one reminded me of this...

"He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it." --T. S. Eliot

Some more...

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." --Mark Twain

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me." --Emo Philips

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." --Marty Feldman

[evulik]

Hey, THANKS...

I like this quote thread... I found good one

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

when talking about TWAIN, I like this one

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
--Mark Twain


:p

[Green Utopia]

Well Well Well!!
You forgot about me!lol
Hi emily655321,

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." --Marty Feldman
we have the same quote in Arabic..I like it.


Hi evulik again,

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) That is true ..really

Take this familiar one:

'Accidents will occur in the best regulated families'



Charles Dickens,David Copperfield,ch.28 (1849)



Dived was entertaining the Micawbers to a dinner party which became plagued by mishaps. The leg of mutton was badly cooked and appeared to have been dropped in fireplace; the gravy was upset on the stairs; and the pigeon pie proved to be lacking in pigeon. Such accidents, the good- natured Micawber observed, are always liable to occur, particularly to anyone without a wife. They may be expected with confidence, and must be borne with philosophy. The saying is often misquoted as 'accidents will happen'.
also we have the same quote in Arabic ha ha ha

[ravana]

Salam, Utopia!

A bit off-top! I read Antara from ancient arabic literature. And must say found it great.

[Sancho]

Marhabah, Green Utopia, Ravana, Evulik, Em, All.

I enjoyed those. What do you think of these?

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. (Mark Twain)


I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. (Winston Churchill)

Golf, A good walk ruined. (Mark Twain)


America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. (Oscar Wilde)

[crisaor]

Originally posted by emily655321
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me." --Emo Philips
HAHAHA. That's hilarious. :D Thanks for that one, Emily.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx

[emily655321]

Hehe. Yay! :D I love Groucho Marx.

I like the Twain one about blushing, Sancho. I've never heard that one before.

[Green Utopia]

ravana ....waalikumalsalam
Sancho... Ahleen

Hi all

Take these:

The follow who laugh last may laugh best, but he gets the reputation of being slow-witted...Leo Rosten

The penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you…Nancy Astor

All final decision are made in a state of mind that is going to last..Marcel Proust

Let's find out what everyone is doing,
And then stop everyone from doing it…A.P.Herbert

I remember your name perfectly, but can't think of your face….Reverend William Spooner

Some cause happiness where ever they go; others whenever they go….Oscar Wilde

A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has got its boots on…James Callaghan

[evulik]

hello all,

I like this one from Green Utopia ;)

I remember your name perfectly, but can't think of your face….Reverend William Spooner

also the one that blush and of course about the Lord of Emily were great...

what do you think of these?

One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
--Mark Twain

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage
--Gloria Steinem

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
--Sir Winston Churchill

When people search for "Life Quotes" they are often looking for quotes about life. Why do the major search engines only give them hundreds of pages of commercial garbage about Life Insurance Quotes?
--Bill Austin




:cool:

[verybaddmom]

I am a great housekeeper...every time i get divorced i keep the house - zha zha Gabor

[Isagel]

To all my fellow lazy people:

From a review article in the Times Literary Supplement printed on January 22, 1982, by George Steiner, on the life and work of Hungarian radical Georg Lukacs:

"When I first called on him, in the winter on 1957-8, in a house still pockmarked with shellbursts and grenade splinters, I stood speechless before the armada of his printed works, as it crowded the bookshelves. Lukacs seized on my puerile wonder and blazed out of his chair in a motion at once vulnerable and amused: 'You want to know how one gets work done? It's easy. House arrest, Steiner, house arrest!'"

[crisaor]

Originally posted by verybaddmom
I am a great housekeeper...every time i get divorced i keep the house - zha zha Gabor
LOL. :D

BTW, nice to see you back, Isagel. :)

[evulik]

enjoy these ones....

Bill Austin:
12-01-1998 "A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says ... What is this, a joke?"

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
--Charles Schulz

Books are easy to find and easy to buy. A paperback these days only costs six or seven dollars. You can borrow that from your kids!
--Jim Rohn

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
--Groucho Marx


smiley day... to all of you ;)

[Sancho]

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
--Oscar Wilde

[evulik]

hi sancho, good one :lol:

check this one, about girls for a change

That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.
--F. Scott Fitzgerald :rage:

maybe we can create a thread with quotes on men and women ...

[Sancho]

Ouch! That quote may go to the heart of the problem between him and Zelda Fitzgerald (Spouse).

You may like this one from Timothy Leary:

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

[evulik]

haha

what about this? :)

Life is too short for men to take it seriously.
--Unknown

[emily655321]

Ooh, Sancho I love that one! :D
Evulik, if someone never takes any other piece of advice, I think they should take that one.

[kilted exile]

"If at first you don't succeed try,try again. Then give up there's no point being a damn fool about it" - W.C.Fields (I think)

[emily655321]

LMAO :D

Okay, indulge me. I found a bunch of good ones. Starting with the sweetest thing ever...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
--Albert Einstein

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
--Albert Einstein

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
--Arthur Block

Marriage is a great institution. But I'm not ready for an institution yet.
--Mae West

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
--Mark Twain

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
--Alfred Adler

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
--Brendan Gill

[evulik]

hi emily,

Marriage is a great institution. But I'm not ready for an institution yet.
--Mae West :lol:

and this one is greatest, I really like it... hihi

"If at first you don't succeed try,try again. Then give up there's no point being a damn fool about it" - W.C.Fields (I think)

[ravana]

Em, I liked these most:

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
--Arthur Block

Marriage is a great institution. But I'm not ready for an institution yet.
--Mae West
thanks!

[amuse]

"Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out."

~ Thomas Cardinal Wolsey (1471-1530)

[Koa]

This thread is lovely!

The only thing that came to my mind was:

Trying, the first step towards failure
-Homer Simpsons

No I'm not in the wrong thread :D:D:D Well maybe I am...:D

[Sancho]

Heh heh
This could on and on.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

-- Rita Rudner

[kilted exile]

Birth & death are natural accidents: marriage we can avoid. - George Meredith

[Koa]

LOL I do agree!

I was studying some Russian literature for my exams yesterday and I found 2 nice quotes:

"Better to die from vodka than to die from boredom" :D
-Majakovskij

And, from the manifesto of the Russian Futurism:
"Who doesnt forget his first love won't recognise the next one" (or was it "last one"...anyway you get it... Not really a laugh but I like this sentence :))

[evulik]

I love the one Sancho posted :lol:

and also one of Koa from Malakovskij.... this is type of joke we usually make about Russians (vodka), but also about Slovaks (domestic alcohol, bier)... :) I read in daily during weekend "... we were left in the cottage in the mountains for few days, because of flood. Time became critical after two days, when my neighbour said ... This is too bad, there is no bier left" :)

Since I love coffee and having just now one,

Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
--Stephanie Piro
To drink is human, to drink coffee is divine!
--Unknown

[emily655321]

(Why this was on a quotes site, I'll never know.)

"Mum comes in and says `I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance."

--Kelly Osbourne

[evulik]

one of Kelly's original comments made :) also kind of quote ... :D thanks for advice how to work out... hihi

[evulik]

sorry, but I must post this one, just ran across it, it is from Robin Williams, little rude, but :lol:

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

[emily655321]

The Universe and Stupidity.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
--Douglas Adams

Only two things are infinite: the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
--Albert Einstein

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
--Rich Cook

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.
--Britney Spears

[Sancho]

Whooeee! this tread is too much fun. Can you ever have too much fun? I don’t think so.

I thought this one was a real knee-slapper:

“If you don’t go to other people’s funerals, they won’t come to yours.”

-- Yogi Berra

[evulik]

hehe
I wanted to sign this by myself, but then it would not be taht fun :)

I'm cute in gym shorts! I'm slim and trim, and you'd be impressed - I've good calves.
--Larry King

Draw a crazy picture Write a nutty poem Sing a mumble-gumble song Whistle through your comb Do a loony-goony dance 'Cross the kitchen floor Put something silly in the world That ain't been there before.
--Shel Silverstien

:banana:

....I like that banana smiley, can't help it
- evulik :-)

[emily655321]

We all love the banana smiley. :D I propose we adopt him as the official Forum Mascot.
And now for something completely different...Mottos of the American government...

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
--Milton Berle

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
--William Clayton

[Koa]

sorry, but I must post this one, just ran across it, it is from Robin Williams, little rude, but :lol:

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.


OH my god this is so true! I think they use one of them more often than the other... I won't add more. :D


( :banana: )
(no double meanings...I just added the forum mascot! :D)

[emily655321]

I think it's good that the mascot has double meanings. :D It can be a symbol of fertility for the forum -- effectum noster mentis fertilis ...(I'm sure that's horrible Latin -- anyone here know Latin?)

[emily655321]

[edit]^^^^^ Ah, so it did post. I couldn't see it for a while. Nevermind. :D

[Sancho]

Heh, heh, uwe

I laugh every time I see that dancing banana.

hahahahahhaahahah

[simon]

The dancing bananna does elicit a few chuckles from even the most stoic of persons.

[evulik]

I love it... do not know what it evokes in me... what would be the right expression, but every time I see it I feel that life is just great... (even with table full of documents and boss shouting in next room :) )

[Isagel]

This is some not really quotes but unofficial motto of the rehab. clinic where I work:
Practice makes training.

The motto of Hjärnkraft - Brainpower - a organisation for and by people with braindamage - "I´m not stupid, it´s just that I have bad luck when thinking"

and from a swedish sportsman who had a severe accident, when disussing coping with disability: "It´s just matter of breaking down and getting up again".

[ravana]

Evulik, You're also great if you can enjoy life even having shouting boss beside you. I can't stand any boss. so prefer to work with my friends. Salary doesn't matter much.

[poehee99]

Hi all, emily i liked your quotes on the american government. how about this one:
The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men."
-- Plato
or is that too political?
ok here's a non-political one for you:

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. I don't know who wrote that, does anyone know?

[evulik]

hi Ravana... :)

well it is not that bad. I have type of boss that when we argue too much, he leaves my office and returns after few hours with smile :) so it is me who wins all the time... and after three years somewhere you simply stop noticing these events :thumbs_up

famous quote from life...take it as a Simpson quote... hihi it is an answer to my dissmisal I announced about three weeks ago...

boss: "you are not going anywhere. The only way you get out of this company is either ambulance or cold-meat cart".... :banana:

[Sancho]

Here are several Robert Baden-Powell-isms that apparently were cut from first Boy Scout manual. (I borrowed these from this month's "Outside" mag)

-Bees are quite a model community, for they respect their queen and kill their unemployed.

-Every boy ought to learn how to shoot and obey orders, else he is no more good when war breaks out than an old woman, and merely gets killed like a squealing rabbit.

-The result of self abuse is always…that the boy after a time becomes weak and nervous and shy, he gets headaches and probably palpitation of the heart, and if he still carries it on too far, he very often goes out of his mind and becomes an idiot.


OK, so we don't have a Queen here in the US; I do know how to shoot (Learned how in the Boy Scouts); and no comment on the last one - but I have to go now because I think I'm getting heart palpitations.

[emily655321]

LMAO :lol: Sancho, you're too much.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. --Noel Coward

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. --Brian Pickrell

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. --Bertrand Russell

Sometimes a cowboy is just a man in a cowboy suit. --John Vanderslice

[crisaor]

"Inside the band we function like the United Nations, only that I'm the United States."
- Thom Yorke

"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting, sex provides you with several questions."
- Woody Allen

[emily655321]

:lol: Oh my god, Crisaor. I love that Thom Yorke one.

[evulik]

I love the last one... :D

"You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths."
Steven Wright.

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."
Diana Jordan.

ok ok.... enough of men... let's have some of precious women... :)

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain.

"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie.

[emily655321]

BUMPER STICKER WISDOM:
(In some semblence of order)

• Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
• Musicians Duet Better
• Editing is a rewording activity.
• It takes a Viking to raze a village.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Don't judge a book by its movie.
• I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers
• Don't believe everything you think.
• If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
• If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... you're aiming too high.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
• Remember: You're unique, just like everyone else.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• You can't be late until you show up.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
• National Atheist's Day April 1
• Don't steal, the government hates competition.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• Don't **** with my head and I won't think with my ****!
• Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
• I must hurry, for there they go and I am their leader.
• Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
• Honk if I'm Jesus!
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

[Taliesin]

One is not frugal when he goes early to bed to save candles and then, after nine months, he gets twins.
Chinese proverb

"It is very easy to give up smoking- i have done it thousand times" M. Twain


:banana: My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat :-)

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

Dream on. British TV Is The Best In The World is on a par with the statement about how British Justice Is The Envy Of The World ("Hey, Miguel, how come we can't convict innocent people so quickly and expensively?")

It's an old magical principle -- it's even filtered down into RPG systems -- that magic, while taking a lot of effort, can be 'stored' -- in a staff, for example. No doubt a wizard spends a little time each day charging up his staff, although you go blind if you do it too much, of course.

Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them

I'm also nervy about 'translating' things into American. ("Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears = Yo, muthers, y'knowwhatI'msayin?") I've seen what even intelligent, well-travelled American writers think is normal British conversation ("I say, good show!") and I'd hate to be guilty of that sort of thing in reverse."


All from :banana: sign are from Terry Pratchett
In case you want more (http://www.co.uk.lspace.org/books/pqf/index.html)

And a piece of bumper-wisdom:
SI HOC ADFIXUM IN OBICE LEGERE POTES, ET LIBERALITER EDUCATUS ET NIMIS PROPINQUUS ADES. It means - when you can read this, then you are highly educated and on the same time too close.

[Isagel]

Some more latin:
Age. Fac ut gaudeam - Go ahead. Make my day!
Apudne te vel me? - Your place or mine?
Ascendo tuum - Up yours
Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit - The fellow is either mad or he is composing verses
gain
Certe, toto, sentio nos in kansate non iam adesse - You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore
Fac ut gaudeam - Make my day
Latine loqui coactus sum - I have this compulsion to speak Latin
Lege et lacrima - Read it and weep
Me transmitte sursum, caledoni! - Beam me up, Scotty!
Omnes vulnerant, ultima necat - All (hours) wound, the last kills. (inscription on solar clocks)
Veni, Vidi, volo in domum redire - I came, I saw, I want to go home
Verveces tui similes pro ientaculo mihi appositi sunt - I have jerks like you for breakfast
Vinum bellum iucunumque est, sed animo corporeque caret - It's a nice little wine, but it lacks character and debth.
Vos vestros servate, meos mihi linquite mores - You cling to your own ways and leave mine to me. (Petrarch)

[Sancho]

Orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip?...Three Orange whips
- John Candy, in Blues bro's

You guys have some great ones. Isagel, I've gotta memorize some of those. Em, I read your bumper stickers to my wife while she howled with laughter. Here's one I saw on a badly dented '65 Ford Pick-up, driven by a gorgeous brunette, in Apple Valley, California, in 1984:

"I'm sorry my Karma ran over you're Dogma"

[Isagel]

I want that bumpersticker! Just got to get a driver license first. And a car.

Had to share a quote from my boyfriend " Common sense isn´t"

[crisaor]

"Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and GUI shell to a sixteen bit patch to an eight bit operating system originally coded for a four bit microprocessor and sold by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition."
- Anonymous USEnet post

[simon]

Cruelty might be very human, and it might be cultural, but it's not acceptable.
- Jodie Foster

[emily655321]

"Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer."
(If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.)
--Voltaire

[evulik]

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
Charlotte Whitton. ;)