Shurtugal
06-23-2007, 11:34 PM
ok. i thought it would just be simpler to post several of my poems at once real quick. then you all can quote them, or whatever, and tell me what you think of the one you quoted. of course you can criticke all of them at once, i ain't stoping you at all. tell me, please, what you think needs fixing and i can send, unless you say other wise, a private messege to you. i'll do this so people new to this website don't see the same poem a hundred times:D. i, being quite a newbey myself, would get lost and confused. if you have other or better ideas, just tell me over here. (the first several poems i have written them as songs so some might have a choris to them. just telling you this so you don't think i'm repeating them.:) )
so this is my first one posted here. i believe i wrote it a couple of months ago, give or take. if you notice i have brown eye for the girl. i am so tired of hearing "blue eye, blond hair", what about we "blond hair, brown eye" girls who are just as pretty! so i added something extra of me in this one. i think it being just cute. that most people can relate to. ok, i'll stop talking and show you my work...
"Always will be"
She was the princess, the blond haired girl.
With big brown eyes, she was the talk of even the sixth grade boys.
Everyone wanted to make her theres.
Then there was the boy,
The four eyed geek.
With his criked smile and two buck teeth.
He wasn't what you'd call a ladies guy.
(Chorus)
But she held his hand and kissed his cheek.
She laughed, in love, at his little tweeks.
She whispered all her secrets in his ear.
She was in love and always will be.
They're in highschool,
His glasses were gone.
Criked smiles was the new cool thing.
Now it was his turn for the girls to worship him.
Her hair was not much of a blond.
But her smile still could kill anyone.
All the guys wanted to be her man.
(Chorus)
BUt she held his hand and kissed his cheek.
She laughed, in love, at his little tweeks.
She whispered all her secrets in his ear.
She was in love and always will be.
Last night she got on the phone.
It was about that boy,
He got in a fight,
He was in the hospital.
She was there in a mighty whirl.
He had a black eye,
And two ribs were broked.
He sure wasn't a sight you'd wanna see.
(Chorus)
But she held his hand and kissed his cheek.
She laughed, in love, at his little tweeks.
She whispered all her secrets in his ear.
SHe was in love and always will be.
that was the first here is the next one. it is sad, so i am forwarning you if you don't like sad songs/poems. i wrote this when i was up in iduho visiting my best friends. i got inspired before hand, though, when i went to a funeral of a baby who was still born. this is in rememberance of Charlotte, the baby, and her family for all that they have been threw.
"Still-born"
Julia Andreason put on her old black coat.
Six months pregnet, she was going to the docters.
But when she got there, the babies heart stopped.
Which makes her-
A still-born mom, a still-born mom.
Never gonna see her child laugh and smile.
A still-born mom, a still-born mom.
No one knows the pains she's going through.
Julia's son waited at home.
Rapped his arms around his momma when he heard the news.
Tears filled his eyes and he fell to the ground.
'Cause he's-
A still-born brother, a still-born brother.
Never gonna see his sibling laugh and smile.
A still-born brother, a still-born brother.
No one knows what he's going through.
Julia's son walked to the barn.
Hit his knees and prayed something hard.
"Help my momma, help my dad,
Watch over my sibling
'Cause she's-
A still-born child, a still-born child.
Never going to be able to laugh and smile.
A still-born child, a still-born child,
God watch over her while she's up with you.
alright, i actually have to go so... um... i'll post more after these get reviewed. that's if you like them. it'll give me time to fix mine up more and maybe write some more. till then- argetlam
so this is my first one posted here. i believe i wrote it a couple of months ago, give or take. if you notice i have brown eye for the girl. i am so tired of hearing "blue eye, blond hair", what about we "blond hair, brown eye" girls who are just as pretty! so i added something extra of me in this one. i think it being just cute. that most people can relate to. ok, i'll stop talking and show you my work...
"Always will be"
She was the princess, the blond haired girl.
With big brown eyes, she was the talk of even the sixth grade boys.
Everyone wanted to make her theres.
Then there was the boy,
The four eyed geek.
With his criked smile and two buck teeth.
He wasn't what you'd call a ladies guy.
(Chorus)
But she held his hand and kissed his cheek.
She laughed, in love, at his little tweeks.
She whispered all her secrets in his ear.
She was in love and always will be.
They're in highschool,
His glasses were gone.
Criked smiles was the new cool thing.
Now it was his turn for the girls to worship him.
Her hair was not much of a blond.
But her smile still could kill anyone.
All the guys wanted to be her man.
(Chorus)
BUt she held his hand and kissed his cheek.
She laughed, in love, at his little tweeks.
She whispered all her secrets in his ear.
She was in love and always will be.
Last night she got on the phone.
It was about that boy,
He got in a fight,
He was in the hospital.
She was there in a mighty whirl.
He had a black eye,
And two ribs were broked.
He sure wasn't a sight you'd wanna see.
(Chorus)
But she held his hand and kissed his cheek.
She laughed, in love, at his little tweeks.
She whispered all her secrets in his ear.
SHe was in love and always will be.
that was the first here is the next one. it is sad, so i am forwarning you if you don't like sad songs/poems. i wrote this when i was up in iduho visiting my best friends. i got inspired before hand, though, when i went to a funeral of a baby who was still born. this is in rememberance of Charlotte, the baby, and her family for all that they have been threw.
"Still-born"
Julia Andreason put on her old black coat.
Six months pregnet, she was going to the docters.
But when she got there, the babies heart stopped.
Which makes her-
A still-born mom, a still-born mom.
Never gonna see her child laugh and smile.
A still-born mom, a still-born mom.
No one knows the pains she's going through.
Julia's son waited at home.
Rapped his arms around his momma when he heard the news.
Tears filled his eyes and he fell to the ground.
'Cause he's-
A still-born brother, a still-born brother.
Never gonna see his sibling laugh and smile.
A still-born brother, a still-born brother.
No one knows what he's going through.
Julia's son walked to the barn.
Hit his knees and prayed something hard.
"Help my momma, help my dad,
Watch over my sibling
'Cause she's-
A still-born child, a still-born child.
Never going to be able to laugh and smile.
A still-born child, a still-born child,
God watch over her while she's up with you.
alright, i actually have to go so... um... i'll post more after these get reviewed. that's if you like them. it'll give me time to fix mine up more and maybe write some more. till then- argetlam