My first poem in a month.

[Adolescent09]

It has been over a month since I wrote my last poem and I can already percieve the effect that procrastination and lack of effort has bestowed on the quality of my writing. I would greatly appreciate it if you kind lit-netters would sacrifice a few minutes (or seconds) of your industrious lives to comment on the following work:

The breaking of an Equinox

Their tears of streek-reaped blackness,
display the adversity of their lives.
Their vacuous hums of dulcet sweetness,
swell their ears with rampant hives.

It spreads their veins with a microbe intrusion
erasing their gains and supplanting illusion
of eternal pain and strife,
depleting joy once so rife..

How mechanically they pick from cherry trees!
How red contrasts their pallor!
They pine to part their quarantine pure and free
to re-sustain their valor[/i]

I'm not even sure if the damn thing is properly concluded. (Sorry for swearing). Any help? Suggestions? Comments? Kind words will be praised and vehement accusations will be honoured.

[dramasnot6]

I really,really enjoyed that adol. You have improved dramatically since you first got here.
I love your use of color in description,the first stanza flowed beautifully.
The conclusion works,at least for me. It sort of leaves you lingering for something more...

[Pendragon]

Wow, 'Dole, that first stanza is catchy! Your use of imagery is definately growing! One piece of advice: The second stanza doesn't match the other two in rhyme scheme. It's a good verse, it just needs re-arranging. Other than that, like I say, wow! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

[andave_ya]

This is in contrary to what the others say, but the second stanza is my favorite. Yes it's slightly out of place but the imagery is tiptop!

[Bii]

Hi Adol, I think this poem has great potential but might benefit from some careful revision. You've got some really good imagery here, and a powerful theme, I paricularly enjoyed the following:

"vacuous hums of dulcet sweetness"

"erasing their gains and supplanting illusion
of eternal pain and strife,
depleting joy once so rife"

I do have a few suggestions, which you can take or leave as you see fit. In the first stanza I think you mean 'streak' rather than 'streek' (but I appreciate regional spellings might differ on this point!); 'their' and 'they' appear too frequently throughout the poem, I'd try and get away from using it wherever possible, or at least minimise its use - this can be difficult particularly when you're referring to a set or group of people. In the final stanza, I'm not sure there is such a word as 're-sustain', or at least I found it confusing which detracted from the power of the poem.

I've taken the liberty of playing around with the poem a little, my amendments are below - as I've said take or leave them, it's your poem so it should flow the way you want it to. I've part highlighted the changes - hope this helps.

Good luck and keep at it :)



The breaking of an Equinox

Tears of streak-reaped blackness,
display adversity in their lives.
Vacuous hums of dulcet sweetness;
swell ears with rampant hives.

Spreads through veins a microbe intrusion
erasing gains and supplanting illusion
of eternal pain and strife,
depleting joy once so rife..

How mechanically they pick from cherry trees!
How red contrasts with pallor!
Pining to part quarantine pure and free
to recapture lost valor [/QUOTE]

[Virgil]

Yes I like it to. Bii's changes seem to make it better.

[Pendragon]

I agee with B's changes, yes, now to play with the middle verse, something I don't usually do:


Spreads through veins a microbe intrusion
erasing gains and supplanting illusion
of eternal pain and strife,
depleting joy once so rife..

As per B's changes...

Now:


Spreads through veins a microbe intrusion
of eternal pain and strife;
erasing gains and supplanting illusion,
depleting joy once so rife.


A simple reagrangement.


The breaking of an Equinox

Tears of streak-reaped blackness,
display adversity in their lives.
Vacuous hums of dulcet sweetness;
swell ears with rampant hives.

Spreads through veins a microbe intrusion
of eternal pain and strife,
erasing gains and supplanting illusion,
depleting joy once so rife..

How mechanically they pick from cherry trees!
How red contrasts with pallor!
Pining to part quarantine pure and free
to recapture lost valor


And the new poem to be taken with a grain of salt if you wish, as it is your poem 'Dole, not ours.

[Adolescent09]

Wow many thanks for the tweaks guys... I can already see the changes playing to better the effect of the poem's meaning. Thanks a lot Bii and Pen for your assessments and opinions and to all you other repliers with your complimentary posts. :) (Hey drama, it's great to see you back.. I haven't been here in a while so I am not sure exactly when you returned. When did you?)

[Debrasue]

Hey Adolescent09! I loved your poem...the changes are great... if You like them...as you can tell...I don't give advice.... cause most of the time I'm not sure what I'm doing myself!...I'm not a 'poet'...but sometimes I can't help but write ...and the stuff I write is usually pretty 'organic' ...LOL!!! But yeah...the imagery you used is cool...