Making Do

[PrinceMyshkin]

Into the misted raw corners
of our basement selves, like bargainers
grovelling for one last hour
at the sale, we go hollow-eyed
for truth. Truth, truth is the teat
we want to suck at. No other milk
will do. Or if not milk,
pop. And if the teat is too hard to reach,
a straw.


Our necks are half-dislocated
from trying to get at the pop
an extra second before it comes up that straw.



. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Newman Sudden Proclamations © 1992

[Riesa]

pop?
ugh...I don't want to suck at any teats. sorry..truth is hard to digest..but coming from a teat..even harder. :eek: I don't know, Prince..
I'll leave it to the rest to comment...ooops.

I do like your opening lines a lot though!


Into the misted raw corners
of our basement selves..cool. :)

[symphony]

Hmmm I agree with Riesa there about the beginning, it's pretty cool.
About the rest... I dont know it just seems there are certain things in a poem I cant like... in this case lets just say I didnt like the "emblem"! ^_^
The thing is, however honest and direct a poem may get, it still has that primeval requirement of *being good to the ears*, this poem didnt sound soothing to me. May be it'd sound better as a rap to me, but not as a poem. No offence meant.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hmmm I agree with Riesa there about the beginning, it's pretty cool.
About the rest... I dont know it just seems there are certain things in a poem I cant like... in this case lets just say I didnt like the "emblem"! ^_^
The thing is, however honest and direct a poem may get, it still has that primeval requirement of *being good to the ears*, this poem didnt sound soothing to me. May be it'd sound better as a rap to me, but not as a poem. No offence meant.


No offence taken. My older son - no mean poet himself - uses this as a test of the excellence of a poem: that if you recite it to yourself while shaving, it raises the hair on the back of your neck, it's a good poem.

How this might work for women readers, I have no idea.

[Bii]

Hi Myshkin - I liked this, in weird kind of way. It's direct and leaves little to the imagination :) . A couple of minor niggles really, I'm not sure about the word 'pop', despite the directness of the poem it seems out of place. Juice may be better, and fitting with the theme, but that's just IMHO. Other than that it seems a little choppy, mainly due to the full-stops. If you were to intersperse with semi-colons it might make it a little easier on the ears!

I liked it though, I liked that you're not put off by the fact that some people might find it uncomfortable. It made me squirm a bit, I'm not afraid to admit, but I guess that's what I liked about it too!

[motherhubbard]

Into the misted raw corners
of our basement selves, like bargainers
grovelling for one last hour
at the sale, we go hollow-eyed
for truth. Truth, truth is the teat
we want to suck at. No other milk
will do. Or if not milk,
pop. And if the teat is too hard to reach,
a straw.


Our necks are half-dislocated
from trying to get at the pop
an extra second before it comes up that straw.



. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Newman Sudden Proclamations © 1992

It made me uncomfortable, but I like it. I like the use of soda. It's a sad statement that people will give up the milk of truth in exchange for soda which has no nutritional value - just empty calories. People gobble up emptiness with greed. I think pop may be a word that is regional, some call it soda, sodie, coke, cola. Maybe another word would sound better. It made me think of the Israelites complaining about manna.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hi Myshkin - I liked this, in weird kind of way. It's direct and leaves little to the imagination :) . A couple of minor niggles really, I'm not sure about the word 'pop', despite the directness of the poem it seems out of place. Juice may be better, and fitting with the theme, but that's just IMHO. Other than that it seems a little choppy, mainly due to the full-stops. If you were to intersperse with semi-colons it might make it a little easier on the ears!

I liked it though, I liked that you're not put off by the fact that some people might find it uncomfortable. It made me squirm a bit, I'm not afraid to admit, but I guess that's what I liked about it too!

Many thanks for your characteristically thoughtful point of view. I think I'd stick with "pop" as the general intent of the poem is to mock those who would stoop to any old means (in the poet's view) to get at the 'truth' - or a semblance thereof.

As for semi-colons, I do use them at times but think on the whole that punctuation in poetry is something like hiccups when making love.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Since this poem was posted before the dragon-lady came on the site, I thought I'd bump it so that she could have a crack at it.

But, alas, I already know part of her response: This poem is not my favourite of yours.

[Sweets America]

Since this poem was posted before the dragon-lady came on the site, I thought I'd bump it so that she could have a crack at it.

But, alas, I already know part of her response: This poem is not my favourite of yours.

I am so glad to have this extra-opportunity to tell you that YOU ARE WRONG.:p

I love this poem, I love it! I love the uncomfortable feeling that it can convey! I love the idea! Each line is wonderful to me. And can you hear how great 'Truth, truth is the teat we want to suck at' sounds???

The three last lines are wonderful. The half-dislocated necks!

Did you bump this poem in reference to my earlier feeling about reaching an ideal?

[AuntShecky]

What works in this piece is its specificity, concrete images etc. What could use a little tweaking (no pun intended)
is the awkward syntax in the line that begins with"Truth" and ends with "at."
Nice effort.
And the little shock imbedded in that slightly risqué noun choice reminds me of a line from the late Susan Sontag:
"True art has the capacity to make us nervous."

[PrinceMyshkin]

What works in this piece is its specificity, concrete images etc. What could use a little tweaking (no pun intended)
is the awkward syntax in the line that begins with"Truth" and ends with "at."
Nice effort.

Awkward in that I ended with a preposition? But bear in mind I was aiming for a spontaneous-sounding, colloquial voice.


And the little shock imbedded in that slightly risqué noun choice reminds me of a line from the late Susan Sontag:
"True art has the capacity to make us nervous."

Fair enough, except when something has no other justification but to make the reader nervous.

[Virgil]

An interesting controlling image in this poem. I'm surprised that some didn't like it. Although perhaps it does continue on a bit too long.



pop?
ugh...I don't want to suck at any teats. sorry..truth is hard to digest..but coming from a teat..even harder. :eek:

:lol: :lol: I bet not too many would men say that. :p