Love, marriage & children

[The Atheist]

I'm a parent, and I have to reluctantly admit to being in the "older generation" at 48 years of age!

It seems to me that fewer people see family as a goal these days and I thought I'd conduct another of my totally unscientific polls to find out how literary types feel about kids and love.

[kilted exile]

I dont see marriage as important. To me personally it is just a piece of paper, however if a future partner cared about it enough I would get married.

I believe children can develop just as well with cohabiting/divorced parents as married ones.

[The Atheist]

Agree. I'm actually married, but only because my wife wanted to have the bit of paper.

It's all about commitment and a piece of paper is meaningless, although it retains meaning for some religious people.

[applepie]

Family was never a goal for me, but somehow I ended up with one. I love, it but I do see an icreasing number of people choosing to never have children at all. For me marriage was important, not for the piece of paper, but the stated commitment. I was sort of traditional in that I wanted to stand in front of friends and family and pledge myself to one man. I could care less about the documentation of it. That is only useful in obtaining medical and tax benefits. For me it was the promise that was key.

[manolia]

I have a partner, but we don't intend to have children. I don't know if we'll change our minds. Never say never they say.

[kiobe]

While a "piece of paper" may hold no importance personally, it is a necessary tool of the legal side of marriage. Without it, any issue other than living a long happy life together gets extremely complicated. This is exactly why gays and lesbians are fighting so hard for equal marriage rights.

[Virgil]

While a "piece of paper" may hold no importance personally, it is a necessary tool of the legal side of marriage. Without it, any issue other than living a long happy life together gets extremely complicated. This is exactly why gays and lesbians are fighting so hard for equal marriage rights.

I've noticed that heterosexuals don't want to marry and homosexuals do. What a mixed up world this has become. :D

It has always seemed kind of childish to me that some people want to live forever with someone and not get married. If it is only a piece of paper than why don't you do it? Why not sign that piece of paper? It shows commitment. In my opinion it is because people refuse to grow up. Marriage is an adult step and people think by cohabitating they are preserving some of their adulescence. This has become a youth culture, and people, mostly men by the way, don't want to grow up. Just to let you know, break up rates of people who cohabitate are way, way higher than divorce rates, even for couples who claim this will be permanent.

Ultimately marriage for me is a sacrement, a union blessed by God. But then again, no one is religious anymore anyway.

[motherhubbard]

I've noticed that heterosexuals don't want to marry and homosexuals do. What a mixed up world this has become. :D

It has always seemed kind of childish to me that some people want to live forever with someone and not get married. If it is only a piece of paper than why don't you do it? Why not sign that piece of paper? It shows commitment. In my opinion it is because people refuse to grow up. Marriage is an adult step and people think by cohabitating they are preserving some of their adulescence. This has become a youth culture, and people, mostly men by the way, don't want to grow up. Just to let you know, break up rates of people who cohabitate are way, way higher than divorce rates, even for couples who claim this will be permanent.

Ultimately marriage for me is a sacrement, a union blessed by God. But then again, no one is religious anymore anyway.

This is exactly how I feel.

[The Atheist]

While a "piece of paper" may hold no importance personally, it is a necessary tool of the legal side of marriage. Without it, any issue other than living a long happy life together gets extremely complicated. This is exactly why gays and lesbians are fighting so hard for equal marriage rights.

That used to hold true, but not any more. The more enlightened countries have already effectively superceded marriage with civil unions which hold legal equivalence with marriage. There are other legal avenues as well to ensure that property & other rights are catered for.

[motherhubbard]

I want to say that while it takes work marriage is the most wonderful thing. I feel like I am blessed through my marriage and my children. If we had not married it would not be this way. That first year was rough. No way would I have stuck that out and made things work had I not been married. I’m sure he would say the same thing. We had made that commitment and were legally bound together. We had no choice but to learn to grow. I could not reveal myself so fully without that, and that is a big part of marital happiness. Though it took a few years we have become one. When I say husband it is with a reverence that cannot touch partner.

[The Atheist]

It has always seemed kind of childish to me that some people want to live forever with someone and not get married. If it is only a piece of paper than why don't you do it? Why not sign that piece of paper? It shows commitment.

That being the case, why do so many marriages fail? Obviously the commitment is only on paper after all if it's so easy to revoke.


In my opinion it is because people refuse to grow up. Marriage is an adult step and people think by cohabitating they are preserving some of their adulescence. This has become a youth culture, and people, mostly men by the way, don't want to grow up.

Thankfully, that is indeed just your opinion. Have to confess that I know a lot of people who consider marriage childish - for people who cannot make a commitment to one another without having to have some legal document to prove it. Many people dispense with that in the name of trust. What's right for one is not necessarily right for another.


Just to let you know, break up rates of people who cohabitate are way, way higher than divorce rates, even for couples who claim this will be permanent.

Well, that's another personal belief, but at least this time it's partly right. It holds true for couples without children. The facts about parents breaking up indicates that there may be a raised likelihood of separation, if the parents were not married at conception*.

*2.Ermisch, J.; Francesconi, M. Patterns of household and family formation. In: Berthoud R, Gershuny J. , editors. Seven years in the lives of British families. Bristol: The Policy Press; 20


Ultimately marriage for me is a sacrement, a union blessed by God. But then again, no one is religious anymore anyway.

Given that over 80% of the world's population (http://www.adherents.com/Religions_By_Adherents.html) follows some form or other of religion, I can't imagine what leads you to that conclusion.

[Bii]

I've noticed that heterosexuals don't want to marry and homosexuals do. What a mixed up world this has become. :D

It has always seemed kind of childish to me that some people want to live forever with someone and not get married. If it is only a piece of paper than why don't you do it? Why not sign that piece of paper? It shows commitment. In my opinion it is because people refuse to grow up. Marriage is an adult step and people think by cohabitating they are preserving some of their adulescence. This has become a youth culture, and people, mostly men by the way, don't want to grow up. Just to let you know, break up rates of people who cohabitate are way, way higher than divorce rates, even for couples who claim this will be permanent.

Ultimately marriage for me is a sacrement, a union blessed by God. But then again, no one is religious anymore anyway.

I can see where you're coming from here Virgil - I was pretty much on the fence about marriage, I didn't especially want to get married, but I didn't not want to either. My husband wanted us to get married as we were planning to have a family, he had been married previously and had a child from a previous relationship, and wanted to make sure that any children we had were legitimate and would have the same rights/benefits as his existing legitimate child. Seemed like a good enough reason in favour to me so we went for it. I can see both sides to the story here, it's not a matter of being childish but more of a 'what's the point' these days. I'd be equally as committed whether I was married or otherwise and, to a certain extent, a wedding is an expense most people could avoid. As soon as you get mortgage together you're as good as wed anyway!

That being said I think there are a lot of misconceptions, especially in the UK, about what rights you have when you're not married. Ask anyone about 'common law' husbands/wives and most people are under the impression that if you've lived together for more than 6 months you've got rights as though you were married. This is definitely not true. Having children outside marriage can still be an issue too - fathers often cannot authorise anything as 'parent' or 'legal guardian' unless they have formally adopted the child - this means if emergency medical treatment is required they can't agree it, and even signing for school trips is pretty much out too.

I don't regret getting married, and I'm lucky to have two lovely children also (they're in bed now, hence the 'lovely' comment!). For all the sacrifice, kids do make you see life differently, remind you what it's like to be curious and have simple uncomplicated fun. They permit you to behave ridiculously in public. Their love is uninhibited and spontaneous. They make you live life, not just pass through it.

[andave_ya]

Well, I said don't know/care/other, as I'm only sixteen. But (not for a LONG while yet) I really want to get married and have kids.

[MysticalWriter]

What is a relationship?
First, one must understand what a fundamental relationship is before they enter into a commitment that should be everlasting.

The problem with this day and age is that kids (my generation) do not understand how to hold relationships. They do not understand what a true relationship is. Being in high school, I've seen kids get together and then, literally, the next day- they are split. Why? I don't fully comprehend the ways of them.

Second, once understanding of the basic relationship and the commitment that is needed is achieved, one must then be willing to do this.

That is a major, major problem. People don't want to have a relationship. They do not care. Is there really anything wrong with this if everyone else is doing it? (Outside of anything religious) No. If everyone is happy going around "hooking up" then "dumping", then that is how the world will go round.

---

So, what is a relationship (at least, to me)? A relationship is a commitment betwixt two souls. This commitment does not need to be a real huge issue unless there is an engagement invloved. A relationship is built on three things: Trust, Honesty, Communication. That is another problem, people cannot trust people, they seem to love to lie, and talking is a huge issue. In order for a relationship to be held together you must have the THC (Trust, Honesty, COmmunication). Kids (at least the ones I know), have problems with talking honestly to their boyfriend/girlfriend. This is usually the main reason why relationships fail. Even in marriages! Men and women both love to point fingers. But, what if, rather then accusing the other, you say- what is our problem. That way when both of the two are arguing, then they can look at themselves and see that it may be their fault (usually there is two who are at fault- for it takes two to argue).

In conclusion, the problems lies with the people. Not with how someone was raised or the peopl ethey hang out with, although those are very influential. Each and every person must understand that a relationship is genuine, it should be pure. Especially for guys:Guys, don't date a girl for what you can get from her, but for what you can do for her. Don't date her for what she can give you, but for her. A relationship is so, so very fragile if there isn't the THC. You must be able to feel Trust and you must be able to be Honest. In doing this, both of the persons can Communicate. A relationship is unselfish. It isn't- what can (s)he do for me. It is- what can I do for her/him. We must learn to serve.

[kilted exile]

Writer, that is nothing new. It has been like that for high school age people probably for as long as there have been high schools. It is not a this generation thing.

[MysticalWriter]

Writer, that is nothing new. It has been like that for high school age people probably for as long as there have been high schools. It is not a this generation thing.

I'm sure it isn't. But you must say, this generation is much more careless now then before.

[Bii]

I'm sure it isn't. But you must say, this generation is much more careless now then before.

I'd have to agree with Kilted Exile here, it's no different now to the way it's always been. That's the way kids experiment and learn about making relationships. What you've described is no different to the way it was when I was in high school, which is longer ago than I'd care to admit to here!

[kilted exile]

I'm sure it isn't. But you must say, this generation is much more careless now then before.

No, I dont agree with that at all. Especially as it concerns teenage relationships.

The Beach Boys were what late 50's/Early 60's when they first came out?

Listen to the song "I get around" and tell me young people now are less committed.

[MysticalWriter]

Hm, I then stand corrected. I guess I listen to the wrong adults then. =).hehehe Naw, but I still stand true to my whole thing with the exception of what you have just said.

[Virgil]

That being the case, why do so many marriages fail? Obviously the commitment is only on paper after all if it's so easy to revoke.

Yes, when it is only paper psychologically it is just as meaningless as cohabitation. But I ask again, what is the difference? Why not get married? If you are committed, put your money where your mouth is. Why not? Childish fears?


Thankfully, that is indeed just your opinion. Have to confess that I know a lot of people who consider marriage childish - for people who cannot make a commitment to one another without having to have some legal document to prove it. Many people dispense with that in the name of trust. What's right for one is not necessarily right for another.
Marriage is an adult step. It is a rite of passage that this youth generation fails to pass.


Well, that's another personal belief, but at least this time it's partly right. It holds true for couples without children. The facts about parents breaking up indicates that there may be a raised likelihood of separation, if the parents were not married at conception*.
Well, i've never seen the statistics of separation when children are involved. The statistics I saw was that separation of cohabitating partners was higher for every time span together (number of years together) than married couples.


Given that over 80% of the world's population (http://www.adherents.com/Religions_By_Adherents.html) follows some form or other of religion, I can't imagine what leads you to that conclusion.
Well, that's self serving to one who sees people that don't agree with his values as unenlightened. Nonetheless I was speaking off the cuff.

[Bakiryu]

I'm a classic comitement phobe. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER marry. Althought I would agree to a Wiccan Handfastening. ABout children I'd rather adopt. The childbirth proccess scares me and I don't want any man having a hold on me.

[Mortis Anarchy]

I plan on getting married and have kids(adopting as well) but once I've finished school and found the right guy...(childbirth is scary...wow...and painful...yeah...hmm.)

my brother wants to get married, but he doesn't want kids because he is afriad that they will turn out like him, or do stuff that he did but doesn't want them to do and he doesn't want to be called a hypocrit.

[kathycf]

I always wanted a family, but it isn't in the cards for me. To me, children are a beautiful gift...albeit a pain in the neck, work and worry sort of beautiful, but still. :)


*edit* so I voted "other", since the first several options weren't applicable to my particular situation.

[kilted exile]

Ok, I want to address the idea that people who dont see the act of marriage as important are less committed.

I totally disagree with this opinion, in my own upbringing I have seen uncommitted married people and extremely committed non-married people.

Myself as I say I see it as a piece of paper, I am somewhat of a private guy and do little public shows of anything. To me a solemn promise between 2 individuals means just as much as a witnessed ceremony. This is not a childish attitude and refusing to grow up, it is a lifestyle choice 2 adults choose to make.

[Bakiryu]

What's the point of marrige anyway!? Divorce IS SOOOOO Pricey! I'd rather just live togheter.

When I was smaller, about age 5, I wanted to see what childbirth looked like, after I did I decided: I'M ADOPTING.

[kratsayra]

I'm sorry, I ended up posting twice cause my computer is being weird. Mods, please feel free to delete this post. ;)

[kratsayra]

I have a current partner, and we intend to get married, but we haven't yet. I know we wouldn't have kids until we were married.

But, I have no idea whether or not I want to have kids (I chose that option, that I don't know). It changes from day to day. Sometimes I think they look absolutely adorable and wonderful and I want some of my own, even ones with my own genes. Sometimes I think I would never be able to handle pregnancy and childbirth, so maybe I'd adopt. And sometimes I think I'm just way too selfish, and there's just no way I want anyone interrupting my life. Probably I'll end up having kids that are genetically mine. But I'm feeling like I won't be ready for it to happen for another 10 years or more, so I hope my body is still up to it at 35+. ;)

[applepie]

Writer, that is nothing new. It has been like that for high school age people probably for as long as there have been high schools. It is not a this generation thing.

No it definately isn't just our generation that is getting together and splitting in highschool. I will say that our generation seems to be the first maintaining that in between time from child to adult as long as we do. I actually heard the excuse "He's just a kid" given for a 25 year old who wasn't paying bills, or something with finances. I learned to pay my bills at 16, and I've been out of my parent's house for quite a few years now. I'm not considered a kid, and I'm 2 years younger than the individual. I don't get it.

[higley]

I fully intend on marrying and raising a little flock of anklebiters.

Five at least, so watch your step.

Honestly I agree with Virg, and can't think much of what to add to his statements. Baptism comes to mind as a comparison to the act of marraige; some may argue why is it important if one dedicates themselves to Christ regardless? But I think it is something that solidifies a commitment and marks a stage of emotional maturity, the beginning of a new life and a testament to the one you share it with. It's an expression of devotion, and that's what marraige also is--to me.

[The Atheist]

If you are committed, put your money where your mouth is. Why not? Childish fears?

I'm really having trouble figuring out how you get to not getting married being childish, but you're entitled to that view. Nothing I can say will change your opinion, even though I am a longtime happily man. I couldn't have cared less whether we got married or not and the act means nothing to me at all.


Marriage is an adult step. It is a rite of passage that this youth generation fails to pass.

I'm sorry, but that just an appalling comment. Marriage has no relationship to adulthood.


Well, i've never seen the statistics of separation when children are involved. The statistics I saw was that separation of cohabitating partners was higher for every time span together (number of years together) than married couples.

Probably a good idea to study it then, because all of the information I've found indicates that couples with children have only a slightly increased separation rate. There are other issues which skew the statistics as well - for instance RCC members, where divorce isn't a genuine option for strict adherents.


Well, that's self serving to one who sees people that don't agree with his values as unenlightened. Nonetheless I was speaking off the cuff.

I don't get this either. How is quoting those figures self-serving? You made a wild assertion that the world is largely irreligious and I corrected that statement by linking to facts which show that religiosity is actually a 4:1 winner on numbers.

[The Atheist]

Five at least, so watch your step.

Wow! Don't get many people wanting five kids these days, although I have both a brother and a brother in law with 5 apiece.

Make sure you get a rich husband!

[The Atheist]

The childbirth proccess scares me and I don't want any man having a hold on me.


childbirth is scary...wow...and painful...yeah...hmm.


Sometimes I think I would never be able to handle pregnancy and childbirth, so maybe I'd adopt.

This is surprising, I can't say that I've ever heard of women being worried about the mechanical process of childbirth.

Trust me, even though I've never given birth, I can assure you that my wife is the biggest wuss with the lowest pain threshold in human history, and she had no problems.

Think "epidural". No pain, sleep through it all. And if you're really worried, have a look at elective Caesarians!

You'll be fine.

[Lily Adams]

As I am only just 15, I can't say much. But I think maybe that if I ever find the right person, (Very, very hard thing to do in my case. I have never dated someone before, but I can just tell already.) yes, maybe, I'll get married. Having children, however, is completely different:

1. I don't think I can handle another life. I'll have the responsibility of molding it, not completly, but I will have some part.

2. The world is too overpopulated enough. I really would rather not contribute to the problem. Though I'm not saying having children is necessarily the worst thing in the world, but really, there are too many people here. We need to slow down. If every woman were to have two children, it would keep the population stable, and that's already too much. In China I hear they're only letting you have one child. If you get pregnant after one, they'll force you to have an abortion.

As for adoption, maybe, but see my above reasons.

Like I said, I'm only 15. I might change my mind and I might not. A few years ago I was entirely intent on not marrying. So there you go.

[applepie]

This is surprising, I can't say that I've ever heard of women being worried about the mechanical process of childbirth.

Trust me, even though I've never given birth, I can assure you that my wife is the biggest wuss with the lowest pain threshold in human history, and she had no problems.

Think "epidural". No pain, sleep through it all. And if you're really worried, have a look at elective Caesarians!

You'll be fine.

This is the same thing I was thinking. I actually told the doctor who gave me my epidural that I loved him. I meant it too, but really having kids isn't too bad. I've had two one by C-section one not. Neither one is that big of a deal and if you want pain meds they are more than happy to provide them for you.

[higley]

Mostly it's leverage, you know, potent stuff like "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it."

Of course I'm sure I'll adore the epidural despite my aversion to needles.

My friend wants a round dozen and I advised her to have them in batches.

[The Atheist]

Like I said, I'm only 15. I might change my mind and I might not. A few years ago I was entirely intent on not marrying. So there you go.

Good for you, when your whole life is in front of you, don't make hasty decisions.

:thumbs_up

[motherhubbard]

This is surprising, I can't say that I've ever heard of women being worried about the mechanical process of childbirth.

Trust me, even though I've never given birth, I can assure you that my wife is the biggest wuss with the lowest pain threshold in human history, and she had no problems.

Think "epidural". No pain, sleep through it all. And if you're really worried, have a look at elective Caesarians!

You'll be fine.

I’m lucky enough to have four children. When I finish school my husband and I will adopt more. We’d like to adopt some older children that are siblings. I love having a big family, and would have more children if I were able to. As far as fear of childbirth, most women are fearful because they have limited knowledge. Most women have never seen real labor, and have been fed the idea that it’s all about women screaming at their husbands so the mechanical process of childbirth is usually a big worry for women. I must say that I love being pregnant, and I love the feeling of giving birth. I know women often like to try to out do the other in retched labor stories, and all that does is make women fearful. My children were present for the births of their siblings and none of them fear childbirth. They see it as another experience that we are blessed with. I’ve had some amazing experiences in labor some have been wonderful and a couple have been difficult, but from 10.9 pound home birth to an 11.4 pound C-section and I can tell you that I would sure love to do it again.

[Lily Adams]

Good for you, when your whole life is in front of you, don't make hasty decisions.

:thumbs_up


Thanks. I try not to make those kind of decisions. :) They're not too good, obviously.

[The Atheist]

Thanks. I try not to make those kind of decisions. :) They're not too good, obviously.

I have a son a couple of years older than you. I often tell him, "The world's your oyster. Don't eat it all at once!"

[Lily Adams]

Good advice. :)

[Bii]

This is surprising, I can't say that I've ever heard of women being worried about the mechanical process of childbirth.

Trust me, even though I've never given birth, I can assure you that my wife is the biggest wuss with the lowest pain threshold in human history, and she had no problems.

Think "epidural". No pain, sleep through it all. And if you're really worried, have a look at elective Caesarians!

You'll be fine.

This is a naive comment to say the least, and can only have been made by someone who can only observe, not experience the event. I've had both a natural birth and a ceasarean and neither was any fun. On balance I'd choose natural birth over the caesarean - seeing this as the 'easy option' is equally naive. The after effects go on for days.

Childbirth is painful (agonising, I'd say), is scary, humiliating (I felt like a prize racehorse!). People treat you like a thing not a person, midwives are pretty hardened to it and can be unsympathetic. That being said, I would still consider having another child and wouldn't let the experience of childbirth put me off. It is, after all, temporary, in the same way you wouldn't look forward to having an operation, but would be fine when it was over. Some people have better experiences than others but all women would agree it was a painful experience. That being said, once that baby's handed over none of it matters, it's done and the combination of relief and joy is overwhelming. Don't underestimate how overwhelming it is. Well worth it.

Sorry - meant to add - epidural's are great!

[kratsayra]

I should have been more clear . . . I was much less thinking of the process of childbirth as being painful and much more thinking about the entire experience of being pregnant (before the birth) as being scary. Because I'm the biggest hypochondriac in the world, I'm pretty sure I would be entirely freaked out that a million things would go wrong- with me, with the baby, the options are endless . . .

My mother, who has passed on her worried nature to me, says she was perfectly blissful and wonderful when she was pregnant with me. But that doesn't mean I'll be the same way!

My stepmother has had two children in the past 5 years, and I've been able to witness her pregnancies very closely, as an adult (although I wasn't present for the actual births, both of which were cesareans). I almost started thinking "oh wow, it's all very natural," especially when I was living at home when she was pregnant with my first brother. But I still don't think I'd be ready for it any time soon. Need to get a much greater handle on my anxiety first.

[EAP]

Spawning children is overrated. Marriage is a tool used to fill up government coffers and provide Justices of Peace with something to do in their spare time.

Love is.

[The Atheist]

This is a naive comment to say the least, and can only have been made by someone who can only observe, not experience the event.

Well, as I said, I was basing that on my wife. In both her pregnancies, she experienced no pain through having early epidural. One was forceps delivery, the other ventousse, both with large episiotomy trauma.

She walked out of the hospital within 12 hours of each birth, needing no pain relief. And this is a woman who cries if she breaks a fingernail!

I have been involved with many other births and yes, some contain extreme pain. The point I was making is that if a woman wishes to have a pain-free childbirth, the option is readily available.

[Brigitte]

I believe children can develop just as well with cohabiting/divorced parents as married ones.

Ehh... I don't know about this. I feel slightly taken aback by your opinion. My mother divorced twice and I'm suffering from it. More than you know. =\ It could just be me taking it personally, but I must say I definitely disagree. There's no balance if you have to live with only one parent. Well... I don't even live with my mother anymore... I couldn't stand it. I live with an aunt. So ehh...

In any case, this is strange, but I don't like the idea of romantic relationships. They disgust me. It might sound juvenile, but it's "icky" and makes me feel nauseous. *hides* And I have no intention on having any children, ever, unless I want to make their lives miserable.

[kilted exile]

Ehh... I don't know about this. I feel slightly taken aback by your opinion. My mother divorced twice and I'm suffering from it. More than you know. =\ It could just be me taking it personally, but I must say I definitely disagree. There's no balance if you have to live with only one parent. Well... I don't even live with my mother anymore... I couldn't stand it. I live with an aunt. So ehh...

In any case, this is strange, but I don't like the idea of romantic relationships. They disgust me. It might sound juvenile, but it's "icky" and makes me feel nauseous. *hides* And I have no intention on having any children, ever, unless I want to make their lives miserable.

My parents divorced as well when I was 3. I can understand where you're coming from but I really do believe raising a child has more to do with a parent(s) taking a interest in the child or it being a calm household rather than the supposition that a child brought up with 2 parents will automatically be better adjusted.

[Brigitte]

My parents divorced as well when I was 3. I can understand where you're coming from but I really do believe raising a child has more to do with a parent(s) taking a interest in the child or it being a calm household rather than the supposition that a child brought up with 2 parents will automatically be better adjusted.

Hah, maybe I'm just going with the idea that 2 is better than 1. Or that's how I feel considering I haven't experienced the 2, so I'm mostly assuming.

In any case, I'm afraid of being a bad parent (like mother, like daughter???) so I still don't want to risk making someone miserable. It's no children for me.

[Koa]

I should have been more clear . . . I was much less thinking of the process of childbirth as being painful and much more thinking about the entire experience of being pregnant (before the birth) as being scary. Because I'm the biggest hypochondriac in the world, I'm pretty sure I would be entirely freaked out that a million things would go wrong- with me, with the baby, the options are endless . . .

My mother, who has passed on her worried nature to me, says she was perfectly blissful and wonderful when she was pregnant with me. But that doesn't mean I'll be the same way!

My stepmother has had two children in the past 5 years, and I've been able to witness her pregnancies very closely, as an adult (although I wasn't present for the actual births, both of which were cesareans). I almost started thinking "oh wow, it's all very natural," especially when I was living at home when she was pregnant with my first brother. But I still don't think I'd be ready for it any time soon. Need to get a much greater handle on my anxiety first.

Pregnancy seems interesting. Childbirth definitely doesn't :eek: :crash:

That said, I don't feel the slightest maternal instinct despite having reached the age of 25 already. The idea of having a kid around for more than 2 minutes STILL makes me want to dig a hole and bury myself there... so... hm no, I don't plan to have any children.

By the way, I was told that to have children you need a...eh, a partner. *looks around* I seem not to have any, so it's a problem I'm not going to face for the next couple of centuries at least.

Same for marriage...well, the only benefits I see for it are legal indeed, as I'm not religious and I don't believe in anything being eternal, first of all love. So I can't swear eternal love etc. I can't committ. I don't know if this is being chidlish, I have no problem admitting that I don't want to grow up.
Maybe if I found the 'right' person I would establish some long-term relationship and who knows, maybe keep it for a long time until it's just habit and maybe it will feel good anyway, I guess it can. But since I also believe that some people are destined to remain single and I am one of those, I'd rather start finding something to occupy my time with :D

[Bakiryu]

This is surprising, I can't say that I've ever heard of women being worried about the mechanical process of childbirth.

Trust me, even though I've never given birth, I can assure you that my wife is the biggest wuss with the lowest pain threshold in human history, and she had no problems.

Think "epidural". No pain, sleep through it all. And if you're really worried, have a look at elective Caesarians!

You'll be fine.

Yeah, right!

I mean, I love children and every time I go pick up my cousins at the daycare they all want to play with me, touch my hair, ect.

It justs.....childbirth and pregnancy.....yeah....

If I adopt it's still my kid and I'll be giving the poor tyke a home.

Pregnancy seems horrible: morning sickness, 'antojos', ganing weight.....

And looking at the fact that the woman of my family find it either extremely hard to have children or as easy as a sneeze, I'm still adopting

[kathycf]

Hah, maybe I'm just going with the idea that 2 is better than 1. Or that's how I feel considering I haven't experienced the 2, so I'm mostly assuming.

In any case, I'm afraid of being a bad parent (like mother, like daughter???) so I still don't want to risk making someone miserable. It's no children for me.

Two parents aren't always better if they fight day in and day out and their children are the scapegoats of the parent's anger. In a perfect world both parents would be able to love and nurture their children...but humans are notoriously imperfect.

I think children need two loving parents, but sometimes things just don't work out that way. At any rate, I can sympathize with you and since I have a terrible fear of inflicting any potential children of my own with the kind of childhood I had...well, let's just say I relate to the "not wanting to risk making someone miserable" part. It is a deep regret on my part, but something I feel is for the best ultimately. :(

[Mortis Anarchy]

Yeah, right!

I mean, I love children and every time I go pick up my cousins at the daycare they all want to play with me, touch my hair, ect.

It justs.....childbirth and pregnancy.....yeah....

If I adopt it's still my kid and I'll be giving the poor tyke a home.

Pregnancy seems horrible: morning sickness, 'antojos', ganing weight.....

And looking at the fact that the woman of my family find it either extremely hard to have children or as easy as a sneeze, I'm still adopting

I would want my own kid also. I thinking adopting is great but I think I would want my own as well...Just so I can say, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!" My dad says that to me, its really funny considering he only initiated it...my mom did the rest.;) no, but seriously, I would want my own kid also...someday, but not anytime soon!

[Brigitte]

Two parents aren't always better if they fight day in and day out and their children are the scapegoats of the parent's anger. In a perfect world both parents would be able to love and nurture their children...but humans are notoriously imperfect.

I think children need two loving parents, but sometimes things just don't work out that way. At any rate, I can sympathize with you and since I have a terrible fear of inflicting any potential children of my own with the kind of childhood I had...well, let's just say I relate to the "not wanting to risk making someone miserable" part. It is a deep regret on my part, but something I feel is for the best ultimately. :(

The irony in this is probably that people with not-so-good childhoods that can clearly see/analyze it are more likely to be better parents simply because they desperately do not want to repeat mistakes. But it's a thin line between the people that don't want to and do or don't make those same mistakes.

To be safe, no children. And anyway, I don't much like children... I can only tolerate my brother (and think he's one of the few kids I actually like) because he's a gamer and he doesn't run around the house annoyingly. He mainly stays put and does quiet activities. In fact, his initials are CALM. (: He and I are both Pisces so we relaaate. Aww.. just love my brother.

[Mortis Anarchy]

Two parents aren't always better if they fight day in and day out and their children are the scapegoats of the parent's anger. In a perfect world both parents would be able to love and nurture their children...but humans are notoriously imperfect.

I think children need two loving parents, but sometimes things just don't work out that way. At any rate, I can sympathize with you and since I have a terrible fear of inflicting any potential children of my own with the kind of childhood I had...well, let's just say I relate to the "not wanting to risk making someone miserable" part. It is a deep regret on my part, but something I feel is for the best ultimately. :(

Well, don't you think you have learned from past mistakes of your own parents?? Do you think it would make you a better mother??

[Bii]

Well, as I said, I was basing that on my wife. In both her pregnancies, she experienced no pain through having early epidural. One was forceps delivery, the other ventousse, both with large episiotomy trauma.

She walked out of the hospital within 12 hours of each birth, needing no pain relief. And this is a woman who cries if she breaks a fingernail!

I have been involved with many other births and yes, some contain extreme pain. The point I was making is that if a woman wishes to have a pain-free childbirth, the option is readily available.

Absolutely, and no one gets medals for bravery when you're giving birth! The additional information you've given above puts more of a perspective on it, I think the initial comment suggested that childbirth isn't a painful experience, whereas commenting that it doesn't have to be painful is different altogether. That being said, an epidural does complicate the process because nothing is felt you can't respond to contractions.

As I said before, the process is temporary and, perhaps if the fear of a few hours pain puts you off, then you're not ready to have a child. What I have found is that children magnify emotions, so when you're angry you're more angry, when you feel pain (emotional pain) it's more painful, when you feel love it's more intense. I'd say you have to be more ready for that, than the physical pain of childbirth.

[Nossa]

I believe in the importance of family..within or without the frame of marriage, that's not the issue. Being a Muslim, marriage is an essential thing, but in nowadays world, aside from what I believe, I have seen people who are commited to each other and they're not married, so I guess the idea isn't about whether they have that 'piece or paper' or not, cuz some people succeed in getting married and screwing up everything else. Children for me are a dream, like most of girls I guess, but, and even though I voted that I'm sinlge and dreaming of becoming a parent, in today's world, having kids is rather a bad choice. It's harder everyday to communicate with each other, and children are likely to be detached from the parents in normal conditions, so how about in a world like this? Besides, whatever values and beliefs you're gonna try to teach your kids, they'll always end up disobeying you..and just doing whatever the heck THEY want..I know this cuz I honeslty am doing the same thing with my folks..lol
I think having kids these days is basically a dictation of the society, at least where I live. If you don't have kids, then something is wrong with you.
So bottom line is, I'm pro having a family, I just don't think that the conditions around these days can support such idea.

[kathycf]

Well, don't you think you have learned from past mistakes of your own parents?? Do you think it would make you a better mother??
If it was that simple, perhaps. The circumstances are more complicated than just learning from past mistakes, though. :)

[BlueSkyGB]

I'm divorced and a couple of years ago...my daughter and the unofficial son-in-law moved back in with me....
Its either going to kill me or keep me young....:lol:

[FrozenDuchess]

BlueSkyGB- I know all about divorce, got married and divorced far far too young and now it seems that I wont be trying my hand at that again.

Kids would be cool though, maybe one day...when I grow up (or something).

[Annamariah]

When I was younger I always thought I'd get married young and have maybe 3 or 4 children. Well, it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon :lol: It would be nice to have a family of my own one day.

[FrozenDuchess]

When I was younger I always thought I'd get married young and have maybe 3 or 4 children. Well, it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon :lol: It would be nice to have a family of my own one day.

Mmmmm, inadvertently wise of you. ;) Take all the time you need I say.

[Annamariah]

Mmmmm, inadvertently wise of you. ;) Take all the time you need I say.

At least I never planned becoming a teenaged mother :lol: But I do think that it would be best to have children while you're still young (I mean maybe 20-30 years old), I think it's kind of worrying that people are having their first child when they're nearly 40 years old.

[FrozenDuchess]

At least I never planned becoming a teenaged mother :lol: But I do think that it would be best to have children while you're still young (I mean maybe 20-30 years old), I think it's kind of worrying that people are having their first child when they're nearly 40 years old.


:lol:

I got married and divorced in one year...its absurd! Yes I suppose having kids between 20 and 30 is a good idea...that gives me...6 years! Start the count down...and meet me back year in 6 years!;) Erm frankly I do not have an opinion on too early or late to have babies, I suppose I just never thought about it like that...u know. Even through everything I have always been working or studying, and one wants to have kids when you can be sure to provide the best...to some people thats at 40...but you are right- it must be very difficult at that age, just in terms of physical effort I suppose.