Whiskey Swimmin'

[Shurtugal]

ok. i just wrote this yesterday. i was just humming and murmmering a tune to myself when all of a sudden the lyrics came rolling in and i just had to write it down (You know that goes :nod: ) so i wrote it all down in about 30 minutes, give or take. and now i'm going to have to post it. so i hope you all like it. (be as cruel as possible while you edit.) here it goes...

"Whiskey swimming"

Can you hear the girls cry?
She is pleading with God tonight.
Askin', prayin', for delivery,
From her daddy's whiskey swimmin'.

He comes home, not evan there.
Yellin', screamin', for her to get out of his hair.
She just hides behind the couch,
Praying for her daddy's life.

He ends up in jail next day.
Clueless of what they say.
They show him pictures of a bloody girl,
He just says, "I've never seen her before."

Five years later he's let of prison.
Walkin' alone in this forsaken haven.
Random girl walks down the street,
He starts tellin' her of his ol' whiskey swimmin'.

The girl walks away while she's smilin'.
Thankin' God for all he's given.
"Lord, I knew you never had forgotten.
Thanks for savin' my dad from his whiskey swimmin'."

so... what do you think?

[quasimodo1]

Dear Shurtugal, Sometimes poems will stand no revision; sometimes it is "first thought/best thought" and some take alot of rewrite. This poem you have posted is the latter in my view. You for sure need to take out one "had" in the last part. One positive aspect of this piece is the easy visuals it offers. Besides that, as an alannon member, I can relate. quasimodo1

[Shurtugal]

Dear Shurtugal, Sometimes poems will stand no revision; sometimes it is "first thought/best thought". This poem you have posted is the former in my view. You for sure need to take out one "had" in the last part. One positive aspect of this piece is the easy visuals it offers. Besides that, as an alannon member, I can relate. quasimodo1


this is going to come out ruder then what i mean but... what do you mean? i don't quite understand what you're trying to say.

[quasimodo1]

To Shurtugal: I'm saying to keep it, it offers great visuals, take out one "had" in the last part but revise it, re-evaluate it and see what you come up with. This post is trying for "constructive criticism". quasimodo1

[Riesa]

hey, if you've got the voice, I say the lyrics are great. :) I have to admit I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't a happy whiskey swimming adventure. :)

[Virgil]

Yeah, I think it would make a great song. :)

[Haven]

hey, if you've got the voice, I say the lyrics are great. :) I have to admit I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't a happy whiskey swimming adventure. :)

Yeah, me too wanted it to be a happy experience . But the visuals were very clear. I suppose like Riesa I was hoping for something unexpected. Whiskey Swimming great title, could be written a hundred times in a hundred formats.

[dramasnot6]

Very dark, great persona. Quite enjoyable to read, I bet it could be turned into a song.

[Shurtugal]

i'm doing a little dance here. i'm so glad you liked it. yeah concerning it being dark, i like writing about the realities of the world, always having a little hope at the end. real quick, it is good to the visuals clear, right. i think it's good but i wont say for sure.

[Pendragon]

You go girl! There is a song-writer in there somewhere! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif