Cherish the Moment

[Shurtugal]

ok. i was going to just have one post thread to show all my poems but then i thought it would just be easer to start a thread for each poem so no one gets confused what poem they are talking about. i'm not to positive but i'm sure just adding one more thread won't do any harm. so any way here it goes. (be as cruel as possible and tell me exactly what you think and what needs work. don't be nice what so ever! that's an order. the only way i'll get better is if you correct me and tell me what needs fixing.)

"Cherish the Moment"

Lookin' in your eyes I can see you smilin'.
Holdin' your hand I feel like flyin'.
Together, close, how much I love you,
I can feel your compasion for me.

Walkin' side by side,
Tellin" you how my day went by.
You comfort me when I feel like cryin'.
Whisperin', "My love for you is just growin' stronger."
You tell me your's always been.

I try to make hints to you.
You grab it, snag it, and tell me what you see.
You tell me what's up and new.
My heart says, "Let's go flyin'"
We go threws the air,
As the wind flow threw our hair.
And we laugh and cherish the moment.

ok. tell me what you think.

p.s. i have found something that helps me write poems. sing a tune to go with it. it makes it flow better. i mean it might not work for some of you all, but it works for me and i don't think it will hurt trying. i mean i even have a tune to go for this poem as well as "Remember". thanks for reading this.- argetlam

[andave_ya]

Awh, that was COOL! I loved the first two lines, Shurtugal, that was absolutely fantasmagorical!

Just a word of advice, though, the proper grammar for the first line of verse three is "I try to make hints to you." Not and. :)

[quasimodo1]

To Shortugal: Forgive my spelling. This poem as a song lyric jumped off the page. Content improvement or addition is something you might do but is not necessary. The meter is slightly off, if that matters. Let me see your next piece. quasimodo1

[Pendragon]

I agree with Quasi that it flows like a song lyric. My one point of advice would be, don't use that color if you want us to read your poems. I especially have a difficult time with that orange. As a computer programmer, we were always taught to make it easy on the eyes. Then people will pay attention to your product.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

Pen

[jon1jt]

the color font is annoying.

second, the lines noted below come near the end of your poem, which leave a bad impression.


We go threw the air,
As the wind flow threw out hair

it should read,

We go through the air,
As the wind flows through (our?) hair

[Shurtugal]

the color font is annoying.

second, the lines noted below come near the end of your poem, which leave a bad impression.


We go threw the air,
As the wind flow threw out hair

it should read,

We go through the air,
As the wind flows through (our?) hair

opps, opps, opps. my bad, i didn't evan notice that. thanks for telling me i'm going to fix it right away.