Puddle of Love

[destiny diadem]

Puddle of Love
By Destiny Diadem


The rain is pouring I can see
From windows where I stand.
Then you come to embrace me,
Rubbing my back with your hand.

It seems our love would never last,
Like flowers during the snow,
But our tender love’s growing fast,
Like excited rivers as they flow.

Should love really be so sweet?
Making your lips quiver so strong?
Can it take strength from your feet,
Leaving you feeble and following along?

He is chocolate covered words,
Forming luscious lyrics to my ear.
My baby sings lovable tunes like birds,
Convincing me to love without fear.

So as he embraces me during the rain,
We place our hearts in a puddle of love,
And we medicate our hurts and pain,
With trust from Jehovah above.

[the silent x]

wow, i'm surprised people haven't commented on this yet, it's absolutely amazing, excellent job

[Bii]

You've created some lovely images here, I particularly enjoyed:




It seems our love would never last,
Like flowers during the snow



He is chocolate covered words,
Forming luscious lyrics to my ear.

That being said I think you might need to consider the rhythm of the poem, given the subject matter I think it needs a strong rhythm and I didn't find it here. You've got a strong, emotive subject matter, some great images, and a bit of editing to 'shore up' the rhythm would make it a real winner. Try reading it out loud and that might help you to see where some slight adjustments are needed. For example:

It seems our love would never last,
Like flowers during the snow,
But our tender love’s growing fast,
Like excited rivers as they flow.


With a slight adjustment would flow a little better:

It seems our love would never last
like flowers in the snow,
but our tender love is growing fast
as rushing rivers flow.

Also, you don't need to punctuate every line, just punctuate where you need it - try writing it out as a continuous paragraph, and that should help to show where punctuation is needed - sometimes the form of a poem makes you feel as though there should be a break at the end of each line but this isn't strictly necessary (I used to do this also!).

Anyway, all the above are just suggestions, use them or throw them away as you see fit - as always it's your poem, and it should work how you want it to.

Hope this is of some help. Bii :)

[Pendragon]

Wow! This is excellent! I really loved this stanza:



He is chocolate covered words,
Forming luscious lyrics to my ear.
My baby sings lovable tunes like birds,
Convincing me to love without fear.


For myself, anyway, the poem flows fine. Read aloud it doesn't sound stilted or force-rhymed. A+ from me.

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif