Best Insults

[Shalot]

Since it is Friday and I am grouchy (which is usual for a Friday night), I thought it would be fun to list our favorite insults.

These can be a word or a phrase, but just abide by the forum rules and remember, these aren't directed toward anyone in particular.

If you want, you can even say where you heard this particular insult and in what context...

So to get started here's one of my favorites that I heard back in my younger days, and I thought it was soooo clever at the time: :rolleyes:

"I fart in your general direction"

[kilted exile]

This is a common one in sporting circles (I even got to use it myself on one occassion).

"yeah, well I wouldnt be fat but after every time I go round and bleep your gf she cooks me dinner"

Used in response to any comment regarding weight

[Turk]

This is a common one in sporting circles (I even got to use it myself on one occassion).

"yeah, well I wouldnt be fat but after every time I go round and bleep your gf she cooks me dinner"

Used in response to any comment regarding weight

Is that means having sex with his GF Kilted?

[kilted exile]

yeah....

[s5cr]

[Mortis Anarchy]

I better take notes on some of the insults. My brother is amazing at insulting people. I'm not even kidding. He comes up with the most hilarious things to say that most people don't even know how to respond. Especially me. I end up saying something along the lines of, "yeah well...shut up!" Its so frustrating. What would you say if someone was making fun of your race? or if you said something that people think is dumb but you think is interesting or a good thing to say at the moment?

[Turk]

Well, nobody can make fun of my race, if they do i'll complain it to traffic police;

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/sgt_stryker/hitler.gif

[Shalot]

1) ewwww, let's not get into race here, or Hitler --- these are supposed to be funny

2) there is only one race, the human race.

[papayahed]

I heard this on a Pee Wee Herman show and thought it was funny... "I've seen better heads on boils".

[Mortis Anarchy]

haha. I wasn't trying to provoke anything. Sorry, my bad! :D

[motherhubbard]

my sister and I will say something about how the other says something or looks like or acts like our mother. Or we'll just say 'o.k., mother' in a way that doesn't sound very nice.

[the silent x]

this is in response to someone who just made up a lame comeback,
"if i wanted your comeback, i'd just take it from your *insert family member here* 's *insert body part here* " it is especially good, cause then you accuse that person of incest.

[B-Mental]

I always like to use the popular... "If I wanted any s*** out of you, I'd squeeze your head." Especially useful when someone butts in on a conversation.

[andave_ya]

*snicker*these are funny. I was going to post "dork." It always makes me laugh when I hear it or read it or think it. A long time ago, my friend and I used to "insult" each other when our moms would pull us to go to bed from our playing in the mud. his favorite insult for me was "treehead" (we were around four at the time). That still makes me laugh. I see a body with a tree for a head waddling around in my mind's eye. :lol:

[Mortis Anarchy]

When I was a kid these were the insults we used...some even today!

Dumbbell!
Fart face!
Dummy!
Dork!
Pooface!
fartnugget!
Silly Goose!

I still use a lot of these...hmm...

[mtpspur]

Back in California, a friend Larry S. and I were talking about stuck up Christians who were too full of their value to the Lord. And the balloon buster goes something like this:

"Of ALL the people I know, what do YOU have to be proud of?"

[Lily Adams]

*drum roll*

That's right, folks! It's time for Insults Courtesy of Edmund Blackadder, our favorite English sarcastic, snarky, and insulting '80s BBC TV show character and star of the hilarious Blackadder series!

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa144/shesoutofsync/blackadder.jpg

"You would bore the leggings off a village idiot."

"You are as much use to me as a hole in the head, an affliction with which you must be familiar, never having had a brain."

"...you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off."

"You are last in God's great chain. Unless there's an earwig around here you'd like to victimise. "

"A chat with you and death loses its sting."

That's it! Good night, folks!

[the silent x]

[COLOR="Red
"A chat with you and death loses its sting."

[/COLOR]

haha hey yeah those are good

[Lily Adams]

Thank the writers of Blackadder. That show is loaded with insults.

[papayahed]

"I need another drink cause you still look the same"

[Moira]

"I need another drink cause you still look the same"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Niamh]

i love blackadder!

Traditional irish insult-
Well you're beef to the heels like a mullingar heffer!

We use to use terms like Spa ans sap when i was growing up.
they usually follow "your a bleedin..."
Spa means Stupidest person alive.

[Lily Adams]

i love blackadder!

Traditional irish insult-
Well you're beef to the heels like a mullingar heffer!

We use to use terms like Spa ans sap when i was growing up.
they usually follow "your a bleedin..."
Spa means Stupidest person alive.

Blackadder Goes Forth is my favorite. :)

"Don't Slouch, Darling." totally cracks me up. Plus when Baldrick pretends he's an airplane. "Wee oo, wee oo, wee oo!" :lol:

Good ones!

[Bii]

"I fart in your general direction"

That's from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one of my favourite films of all time!

[BlueSkyGB]

"I fart in your general direction"

There are so many from Python, its hard to pick just one.:lol:


"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Elderberries" :D

[quasimodo1]

Shakespearian insults: scrolling star-wars style...http://www.urban75.org/useless/insults.html classic insults if you can remember them when the oportunity arrises. quasimodo1

[Shalot]

Shakespearian insults: scrolling star-wars style...http://www.urban75.org/useless/insults.html classic insults if you can remember them when the oportunity arrises. quasimodo1

Pretty cool quasi, way to tie literature into it :)

[Scharphedin2]

We used to have several semi-polite ways of referring to someone as not being all there...

Most people know of the one that goes something like "playing with one card short of a full deck." The one I thought was funny was for someone to "...not be the sharpest knife in the drawer." Then, if someone was a real disaster, there were more inventive ways of indicating this, like... "a few strings missing on the guitar," or playing on a "five note scale," or, someone being "just one clown short of a whole circus" or "...a sandwich short of a whole picnic."

[dramasnot6]

"You are last in God's great chain. Unless there's an earwig around here you'd like to victimise. "

Those were bitingly dark and hilarious lily! :lol:

I don't think anyone tops the bard in terms of a good insult

Thou warped hell-hated vassal!

Thou gorbellied crook-pated canker-blossom!

Thou hast neither heat, affection, limb, nor beauty
To make thy riches pleasant.

Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters.

[Thou hath] not so much brain as ear wax.

Thou hath more hair than wit.

Peace, ye fat guts!

Thou cockered elf-skinned death-token!

If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.

[Your] brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.

Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!

[Thou art] the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth.

We leak in your chimney.

[Lily Adams]

Hee hee. I have a page of Elizabethan Insults on the back of my school binder.

I also had to write about Elizabethan Insults in English class one time, and I made a story about alien Elizabethan look-alikes with tentacles, etc. of Queen Elizabeth I and Sir Francis Drake. They came and invaded my school and shouted insults at everyrone. In the end I took them home to have waffles.

[BibliophileTRJ]

Your village called.... they want their idiot back.

I wouldn't waste my piss on you....even if you were on fire!

(S)he's so fat (s)he's got her own gravitational pull.

I didn't know Joseph Merrick (The Elephant Man) had a twin sister!

Do you practice being an a**h*** or does it just come naturally?

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

[Moira]

I see you're playing stupid again, looks like you're winning too.

If only men were as satisfying as chocolate......

I'm sorry, my fault. I forgot you were an idiot.

A few clowns short of a circus now aren't we?

Amazingly enough i don't give a s***!!

Even my shrink say it's all your F***ing fault.

I'm smiling, that alone should scare you.....

[Behemoth]

When I was in Stratford-upon-Avon last week I found a book of 'Shakespearean Insults', some of which are absolute *classics*:
"Cream-faced loon"
"The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes"
"Bolting-hutch of beastliness"
"She is spherical like a globe.. I could find out countries in her"

How rude :lol:

[Niamh]

your a few screws loose of toolbox.
your as much fun as a hibernating squirrel.
i'd get a better laugh out of a hiena.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Tell this to any male friend of yours:

Three midgets were sitting together. The first one held his hands out and said:

"I bet I've got the smallest hands in the world. Did you ever see smaller hands than these?"

The second extended his feet and said: "I bet you these are the smallest feet in the world."

The third said, "I wouldn't tell anyone but you guys, but I've got an unbelievably small penis. Hey, why don't we went over to the Guinness Book of Records and see if we can get in it?"

When they got there, the first of them went in to be interviewed and after a while came out with a triumphant smile:

“I made it," he said, holding up his hands. “I'm going to be in their next edition."

The second one went in and after a while emerged with the same results regarding his feet.

The third one went in, but came out frowning in disappointment, and demanded to know:

“Who the hell is this [fill in the name of the man you’re telling this to]?"

[Scharphedin2]

Your face would stop a clock

Looking at you would make a hyena lose its appetite

[papayahed]

I'm gonna throw a party so I can introduce your pants to your shoes (haha, I may be dating myself )

[The Atheist]

You snivelling, worthless [steaming, add 'em in] pile of festering vomit, I scrape stuff off my shoes with more class than you.

Your stupidity is only exceeded by your complete worthlessness as a human being.

(c) The Atheist.

Ignorance is strength.

Eric Blair

[F.Emerald]

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
- Groucho Marx

And reincorporating literature...

"You know, I cannot abide Shakespeare, but your plays are even worse".
-Tolstoy to Chekhov

I particularly like Nabokov's insults towards Dostoevsky, but I can't seem to find the quotes, and am afraid that my recollection is too vague to reconstruct them.

[chasestalling]

"thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter..."

just two of cauis' (kent's) marvelous epithets directed at oswald in shakespeare's king lear.

[Shalot]

Your stupidity is only exceeded by your complete worthlessness as a human being.


:lol:

[kathycf]

My old friend Sarah and I used to trade insults. We would also make them up about this one girl she worked with...(it was a bakery) This is one of them as best I can remember:

She's a doughnut brained, flour covered, full of jelly, sugar sniffing, rolling in the dough, pastry loving wench!


Some random ones:

Meeh, your brother blows bubblegum!

You remind me of the sea - you make me sick.

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow the kneecap off a flea...

If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.

[kiobe]

My wife is always getting hassled by guys at the online poker site she goes to. Her avatar is a girl with her feet up and a cup of tea and her hair in a towel. Her name is Spa Girl. She is a great poker player but catches a lot of crap because of the image her avatar portrays. Her latest insult is..
"you either have small hands, a big gut or you are bald, none of which are of any use to women". Evidently this really gets to them cause they really go off.

[Shalot]

So it's summer time, which is perfect for reading Stephen King books and I got this one out of Dolores Claiborne (though in real life I would never say this because I would feel like a tool):

Mr. Grand Poobah of Upper Butt Crack

(where does he come up with these things?)