My first poem.... need your opinion

[totyfroty]

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Hi all
This is the first poem i wrote
I really need your opinion. Tell me whether you like it or not and is it good or not
:yawnb:

thanks
it is entitled
Someone Who Care

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who care
Someone who can
Make the dark white
Someone who love
Seeing you smile
Few do care
Lucky find care

thanks

Modefied

Someone Who Cares

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who cares
Someone who can
Make the dark bright
Someone who loves
Seeing you smile
Few do care:
The Lucky find care

thanks

[Pendragon]

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h316/totyfroty/8e942f8218.gif
Hi all
This is the first poem i wrote
I really need your opinion. Tell me whether you like it or not and is it good or not
:yawnb:

thanks
it is entitled
Someone Who Care

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who care
Someone who can
Make the dark white
Someone who love
Seeing you smile
Few do care
Lucky find care

thanksLet's see here Toty. It's a nice little poem. The only changes I would make stem from English not being your first language, I believe.


Someone Who Cares

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who cares
Someone who can
Make the dark white
Someone who loves
Seeing you smile
Few do care:
The Lucky find care


I really like these lines:

Someone who can
Make the dark white

Although you might consider "light" or "bright" other than "white".

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[kiobe]

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h316/totyfroty/8e942f8218.gif
Hi all
This is the first poem i wrote
I really need your opinion. Tell me whether you like it or not and is it good or not
:yawnb:

thanks
it is entitled
Someone Who Care

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who care
Someone who can
Make the dark white
Someone who love
Seeing you smile
Few do care
Lucky find care

thanks

I agree with Pen

[linz]

'someone who care' might be made 'someone who knows', simply because care's' should grammatically be used, but doesn't fit the two later appearances of 'care'.

Other than that, it is very good.

[totyfroty]

Pendragon
Thanks a million. Yeah English is not my first language. Thanks for your changes i really appreciate it.
I think
Someone who can
Make the dark white

will be
Someone who can
Make the dark bright

It will be better

*****

kiobe
Thanks for your time, I appreciate it.

****
Linz

"someone who knows" wouldnot really make my point clear. It is mostly about caring, you know
Thanks for the suggestion

have a nice day

[Pendragon]

Pendragon
Thanks a million. Yeah English is not my first language. Thanks for your changes i really appreciate it.
I think
Someone who can
Make the dark white

will be
Someone who can
Make the dark bright

It will be better


Thanks for the suggestion

have a nice dayWell, as I always tell other poets, only use my suggestions if you feel they make your poem stronger. It's your work, not mine. If you do not feel it will work or improve a poem, always stick to your original. I learned that the hard way. Read my Letter to the Editor, and Old Tom and the Tractor. I bent over backwards to try to please an editor to no avail. The poem was published as is by a rival magazine.

[totyfroty]

You are right Pen. But i felt they are helpful and so I used them.
Thanks for the advuce

have a nice day

[Shurtugal]

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h316/totyfroty/8e942f8218.gif
Hi all
This is the first poem i wrote
I really need your opinion. Tell me whether you like it or not and is it good or not
:yawnb:

thanks
it is entitled
Someone Who Care

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who care
Someone who can
Make the dark white
Someone who love
Seeing you smile
Few do care
Lucky find care

thanks

Modefied

Someone Who Cares

When your life is dark
When you are dumped
It is great to feel
There is someone who cares
Someone who can
Make the dark bright
Someone who loves
Seeing you smile
Few do care:
The Lucky find care

thanks

i really like it but pen dragon is right you should change "white" to either "bright" or "light". isn't a lovely thing to write! i can kanda relate to what you're saying. but don't go take my word for it i'm just 13 and still learning and making mistakes myself. good job and keep striving.:thumbs_up

[totyfroty]

Thanks Shurtugal
we will always make mistakes and learn from them

Good luck to you too