Affairs of the Body, Heart and the Soul

[Lote-Tree]

Affairs - the bane of modernity perhaps. Have seen it, witnessed it and also disturbed by it because of the consequences. But it happens. As it always happened in the past and sure in the future too. Men and women it seems can't stop falling for each other. In the name of the "Great Love Thing" men and women chase after the Bright Elusive Butterfly - in hope that it will transform the grey monotony of their daily lives into vibrant colours of joy. But is the Love Thing only a deception to hide a terrible truth of it all? The truth that says we are driven by the Sex Instinct?

Does Love Thing fails us or we fail the Love Thing? Perhaps we are never meant to be worthy of Love's Great Promise. Perhaps love shows how inadequate we are as individuals. And thus realising our inadequacies we chase after fancies, our desires to cover up the failure in us. Or is it something else that drives us to find transitory joy in the arms of others? Could that something be fufilment?

Affairs of course is a betrayal of trust. And is wholly wrong and cannot be justified. The pain of it all can be devastating and scarring. And yet how many fall prey so easily to Love's Madness and the sickness! Love seeketh not itself to please...Lust seeketh only itself to please...the dichotomy of the body and the soul...And easily the body wins with painful consequences...but not always the body...


1. Affairs are wrong. Full Stop.
2. Affairs are wrong only if sex is involved.
3. Affairs are wrong only if love is involved.
4. Affairs though wrong but is understandable.
5. Only selfish people have affairs.
6. People have affairs to find fulfilment in their life.
7. People have affairs to cover up the pain of past love.
8. People have affairs to capture the "Exhileration" of their First Love.
9. People have affairs to find sexual fulfiment in their life.
10. People have affairs to hide the pain of current relationship.

[BlueSkyGB]

"And is wholly wrong and cannot be justified."

or can it?....

as far as the listing....
is this a multiple choice...?

Edit:...ah, the poll just went up...ok

[Stanislaw]

Affairs are wrong. Full Stop.

No ifs, buts, or why's about it.

If you have ever been on the receiving end you'll know why.:sick:

[SleepyWitch]

can I vote for all ten of them? :D

if I had to pick one of them it would be either
"4. Affairs though wrong but is understandable."
or
"2. Affairs are wrong only if sex is involved." (whatever this is supposed to mean)

does it count as an affair if there's no betrayal of trust? E.g. when there's a mid-life married couple and the woman can't be bothered to have sex but the man is full of hormones and she tells him "go and have sex with XYZ, I don't mind as long as we don't divorce"?

[Stanislaw]

does it count as an affair if there's no betrayal of trust? E.g. when there's a mid-life married couple and the woman can't be bothered to have sex but the man is full of hormones and she tells him "go and have sex with XYZ, I don't mind as long as we don't divorce"?

Does that actually happen?

[SleepyWitch]

Does that actually happen?

i don't know.. maybe it could happen if people took sex less seriously???
i mean, lots of people only stay together "because of the children" and don't really have sex anymore and don't really get along etc... so you'd think they wouldn't care if one or both of them had sex with someone else.. but as soon as that happens they go berserk and file for divorce...
in these cases I'd say there's been something wrong with the marriage for a long time anyway and the affair is just a trigger, not the root cause of their problems???

[Moira]

Tough one Lote.

People have affairs when they are not satisfied with what they have or just because they can very well separate sex from love and seek pleasure outside the relationship because it's 'something new'. I've seen many cases and i usually don't like to judge people.

Like Sleepy said some people stay together "because of the children" and don't really get along and it's wrong because a child feels when there is not a normal atmosphere home.

I've seen people leading this double life ..... and believe that as long as the other half does not 'feel' and suspect anything it's just fine.....

[Moira]

I've just remembered something funny .......:lol: :lol: :lol:

It was my first or second day of work at this Italian company i'm currently working for (2 years ago) and since i was the only one speaking english my boss asked me to call a guy from a hungarian company to make him a business proposal. And he was explaining me in italian what i was supposed to say to him........
And .... 'business' in italian is 'AFFARE' and since i was a little bit nervous to translate in english what he was telling me i ended up proposing ' AN AFFAIR' to the man. I realised what i said the moment the word came out of my mouth and the guy started laughing so hard .......and told me he didn't know me that well to accept:).... and i was to burst into laughing myself but i stoped because i hoped at least my boss wouldn't realize what a stupid thing i have said........:blush:
I don't know if he pretended to not understand just to avoid imbarassing me, anyway it was funny after i got over it:lol: :lol: :lol:

[BlueSkyGB]

Tough one Lote.

Like Sleepy said some people stay together "because of the children" and don't really get along and it's wrong because a child feels when there is not a normal atmosphere home.

I've seen people leading this double life ..... and believe that as long as the other half does not 'feel' and suspect anything it's just fine.....

Have seen and experienced some of the same.....:blush:
so # 4 would have to be my pick....although it doesn't quite fit.

[Lote-Tree]

can I vote for all ten of them? :D


LOL :-) Are they all valid to ? :-)



if I had to pick one of them it would be either
"4. Affairs though wrong but is understandable."


I have sympathy with this one but I have voted differently.



or
"2. Affairs are wrong only if sex is involved." (whatever this is supposed to mean)


Mean that you can love a person and not have sex with them.

[Lote-Tree]

Tough one Lote.


Toughie which can have devasting consequences...



People have affairs when they are not satisfied with what they have or just because they can very well separate sex from love and seek pleasure outside the relationship because it's 'something new'. I've seen many cases and i usually don't like to judge people.


I think if you are not finding fufilment in your current relationship then might as well as end it and find one that is fufilling. Though this easy said than done. But at least you are being honest with yourself...



Like Sleepy said some people stay together "because of the children" and don't really get along and it's wrong because a child feels when there is not a normal atmosphere home.


Perhaps thats the majority of problem where couple endure unfilling married lives. But are children better off in such families? I think not. The prolonged negativity can have long term effect on the child.



I've seen people leading this double life ..... and believe that as long as the other half does not 'feel' and suspect anything it's just fine.....

But this dishonesty can only reveal themselves in time to terrible consequences...

Perhaps it is flow in human beings that we can't endure relationships for very long...

[Virgil]

[
I've just remembered something funny .......:lol: :lol: :lol:

It was my first or second day of work at this Italian company i'm currently working for (2 years ago) and since i was the only one speaking english my boss asked me to call a guy from a hungarian company to make him a business proposal. And he was explaining me in italian what i was supposed to say to him........
And .... 'business' in italian is 'AFFARE' and since i was a little bit nervous to translate in english what he was telling me i ended up proposing ' AN AFFAIR' to the man. I realised what i said the moment the word came out of my mouth and the guy started laughing so hard .......and told me he didn't know me that well to accept:).... and i was to burst into laughing myself but i stoped because i hoped at least my boss wouldn't realize what a stupid thing i have said........:blush:
I don't know if he pretended to not understand just to avoid imbarassing me, anyway it was funny after i got over it:lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: Very funny!

I voted for affairs are wrong but understandable. Human nature is fallible. Dante puts this in the first circle of hell, the least sinful.

[kratsayra]

I had a lot of trouble choosing. I didn't really feel like "Affairs are bad . . ." was really on the opposite end of "People have affairs because . . ." Because I think affairs are bad. But I chose #10 because I'm pretty sure that in many cases if someone has an affair (even if it's just sex) there is something wrong in some way with their current relationship. That doesn't mean the current relationship needs to end, but clearly something needs to be worked out.

That excludes the kinds of exceptions like what SleepyWitch brought up. There are all of those people (I don't know who they are, but I know they exist) who do weird spouse-swapping things. Technically those are affairs, yes. But if it's all open and agreed upon, the parameters of their relationships have become totally different so I think all bets are off.

[XY&Z]

Affairs of the Body, Heart and the Soul

Very interesting. I see that some of you are mainly talking about sex in the affair. If I tell you that affair is possible without sex, what would you think? Lote-Tree gave us 3 options; body, heart and soul. To be honest about it, I think that body one is least dangerous. Think about it. Your significant other had this urge to sleep with someone, it is physical attraction, and it’s not worth fighting over it. It’s not even worth mentioning it. Your significant other still loves YOU. You might never find out about it. So what? Your significant together didn’t change towards you, nothing changed except those 30 minutes that he or she had spend with someone else. So what? Did you lose trust in your partner? If you never find out about it, then what?

If your significant other never spend those 30 minutes with someone else (not in sexual way) but feelings towards that persona are strong, you might have individual who might be dangerous to yourself and your relationship. Stress and depression, not able to fully love YOU because it’s thinking about someone else while with you in the bad. Chances are you will never find out about this one ether, but how would you feel if you do?

Life is complicated and all the choices that we have to make. It's not easy. Sometimes affaires save marriages. Sometimes affaires destroy beautiful things, but there were and there will always be someone in the some type of the affair. So you might want to start reconsidering definition. Protect your self and your relationship. If is worth it. But you should know if it is or isn’t by then.

[Lote-Tree]

To be honest about it, I think that body one is least dangerous.


For men this perhaps brings out the Green Eyed Monster more than anything!



Think about it. Your significant other had this urge to sleep with someone, it is physical attraction, and it’s not worth fighting over it. It’s not even worth mentioning it.


If only it was simple as that :-)



Your significant other still loves YOU. You might never find out about it. So what? Your significant together didn’t change towards you, nothing changed except those 30 minutes that he or she had spend with someone else. So what? Did you lose trust in your partner? If you never find out about it, then what?


30 minutes? I thought it was less than that! :-) But self-deception to be practiced as a rule?

[Nightshade]

I mean, lots of people only stay together "because of the children" and don't really have sex anymore and don't really get along etc...
A bit OT but this is one of the crulest things parents can do to their kids from what Ive seen anyway. I onc enew a couple who did that and one of the parents said right out infront of guesta and their kids ( and this is when the daughter and I were about 15) only 5 more years then the kids will be gone and I can divorce the so and so. It was horrible.

[kiz_paws]

The person in the relationship that is seeking affairs is obviously unhappy in the relationship. But instead of coming clean and trying to work things out (talking, seeking counsel, etc.), they go BEHIND the significant other and whether sex is involved or not, start to ally with this new affair(s). I think that is very wrong, no matter what. Yes, we can make excuses like when one partner holds-out on sex, or whatever to the other partner, then try to say that it was an affair only for sex, etc. It still boils down to a matter of: If you want to stay in the relationship, you need to be honest. Affairs are not honest.

Now, as Sleepy (or someone) pointed out, sometimes a partner will give the other person full permission to go elsewhere to satisfy passions. This is not unheard of, I was glad she mentioned this because I know of several instances where this really is going on, and no one appears to be hurt. However, in one of the examples I cited, the kids kind of know that something is out of the ordinary -- and I guess that that calls for more discretion on the behalf of the one going outside the marriage for passion.

Anyhow, those were a few of my thoughts. Good thread, as usual, Lote!

[kratsayra]

A bit OT but this is one of the crulest things parents can do to their kids from what Ive seen anyway. I onc enew a couple who did that and one of the parents said right out infront of guesta and their kids ( and this is when the daughter and I were about 15) only 5 more years then the kids will be gone and I can divorce the so and so. It was horrible.

To continue the OT aspect . . . yes, I know people whose parents got divorced once the kids got to college or when the kids were in their twenties. I think in a lot of instances, this throws the (now adult) kid's world even more off-balance than if their parents had just gotten divorced earlier.

[Lote-Tree]

The person in the relationship that is seeking affairs is obviously unhappy in the relationship. But instead of coming clean and trying to work things out (talking, seeking counsel, etc.), they go BEHIND the significant other and whether sex is involved or not, start to ally with this new affair(s). I think that is very wrong, no matter what. Yes, we can make excuses like when one partner holds-out on sex, or whatever to the other partner, then try to say that it was an affair only for sex, etc. It still boils down to a matter of: If you want to stay in the relationship, you need to be honest. Affairs are not honest.

Now, as Sleepy (or someone) pointed out, sometimes a partner will give the other person full permission to go elsewhere to satisfy passions. This is not unheard of, I was glad she mentioned this because I know of several instances where this really is going on, and no one appears to be hurt. However, in one of the examples I cited, the kids kind of know that something is out of the ordinary -- and I guess that that calls for more discretion on the behalf of the one going outside the marriage for passion.

Anyhow, those were a few of my thoughts. Good thread, as usual, Lote!

Do you accept Kiz that Love Thing happens and it's not necessarily a conscious decision?

You can be prefectly happy in a relation then Love Thing Strikes you? or do you think all affairs are consciously done?

The other question that bothers me is that - when relationship is dead between two people - should they still stick around for sake of kids?

[applepie]

I have to go with Affairs are wrong. I can understand wanting to have an affair, but simply end the relationship you are in first. If you are that unhappy then end it.
I once knew someone who regularly cheated on her spouse. They had a few kids, one of which wasn't even his. When I asked why she had affairs the answer was "I don't love him". Next I obviously wanted to know why not divorce, it just isn't that difficust or taboo anymore. The predictable answer was that she stayed because of the children. All I could think is what a fool. They both were at the point of hating each other, yet they stayed in the marriage for the kids. You have never seen three more unhappy children than these three and they were together FOR the kids???? I didn't get it then and I still don't. Oddly, they are still together and still hating one another many years later since I was a child when I knew the family. Two of the kids still don't really speak to their parents...

[manolia]

I've just remembered something funny .......:lol: :lol: :lol:

It was my first or second day of work at this Italian company i'm currently working for (2 years ago) and since i was the only one speaking english my boss asked me to call a guy from a hungarian company to make him a business proposal. And he was explaining me in italian what i was supposed to say to him........
And .... 'business' in italian is 'AFFARE' and since i was a little bit nervous to translate in english what he was telling me i ended up proposing ' AN AFFAIR' to the man. I realised what i said the moment the word came out of my mouth and the guy started laughing so hard .......and told me he didn't know me that well to accept:).... and i was to burst into laughing myself but i stoped because i hoped at least my boss wouldn't realize what a stupid thing i have said........:blush:
I don't know if he pretended to not understand just to avoid imbarassing me, anyway it was funny after i got over it:lol: :lol: :lol:

That was so funny Moira :lol: :lol:
Did he accept your offer :brow:

[Durgamol]

Affairs are wrong. Full Stop.

No ifs, buts, or why's about it.

If you have ever been on the receiving end you'll know why.:sick:

i absolutely agree, no buts, nothing like hesitation

[atiguhya padma]

Stanislaw said that anyone on the receiving end of an affair will know why affairs are always wrong. I am such a person who has been on the receiving end, I categorically deny that affairs are always wrong. Many a loving relationship began with an affair. Many loving families would never have occurred if they had not embarked on an affair. I always distrust the idea that some action or statement is always, in all times and circumstances, wrong.

[Moira]

That was so funny Moira :lol: :lol:
Did he accept your offer :brow:

I was lucky enough never to meet him in person. That would have been WEIRD.:lol: :lol: :lol: , although i appreciate that his reaction was a funny one and did not make me feel stupid:).


Stanislaw said that anyone on the receiving end of an affair will know why affairs are always wrong. I am such a person who has been on the receiving end, I categorically deny that affairs are always wrong. Many a loving relationship began with an affair. Many loving families would never have occurred if they had not embarked on an affair. I always distrust the idea that some action or statement is always, in all times and circumstances, wrong.

Very good point.
At a certain age you cannot expect to meet people that do not have a background ........
You can be in a relationship and meet the man/woman of your life and fall in love. If you are honest with yourself and the other person, ugly things can be avoided.

[Lote-Tree]

i absolutely agree, no buts, nothing like hesitation

No ifs or buts but it still happens...that is the problem. Sometimes it's not a conscious act that two people fall for each other...and here lies the problem...


Many a loving relationship began with an affair.


This is a double-edged sword. Many a loving family destroyed too.



I always distrust the idea that some action or statement is always, in all times and circumstances, wrong.

Humanity is not black and white. It is in between many shades of grey.

[kiobe]

All the reasons are correct. We don't live in a black and white world.

[kiz_paws]

Do you accept Kiz that Love Thing happens and it's not necessarily a conscious decision? My gut answer to this is that you could have a point here. For example, people who are in the workplace together suddenly realize that there is something more than professionalism going on. Now, in this case, both people need to think of their significant others, and not of themselves. If they think that they have found a new happiness, then to consume it, they need to end things with their significant other. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. That is my stand on this question you posed. Good one, Lote.


You can be prefectly happy in a relation then Love Thing Strikes you? or do you think all affairs are consciously done? Well, here I'd have to say that maybe it is the LUST thing that is striking. Because love does take time to grow and be nurtured and all of that. That is what I believe, anyhow. So, my answer would have to be that an affair is consciously done.


The other question that bothers me is that - when relationship is dead between two people - should they still stick around for sake of kids?
This is a very stark question. My guts say, no, don't make everyone suffer like that, as there could be game-playing, and all kinds of things that children should not be made part of (chosing sides, witnessing brutal fights, drinking, cheating in the obvious, etc., etc.). Again this was a difficult question, but I answered with my guts. Thanks for this provocative conversation, I like to see how the others feel, too. :)

[Lote-Tree]

My gut answer to this is that you could have a point here. For example, people who are in the workplace together suddenly realize that there is something more than professionalism going on. Now, in this case, both people need to think of their significant others, and not of themselves. If they think that they have found a new happiness, then to consume it, they need to end things with their significant other. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. That is my stand on this question you posed. Good one, Lote.

Well, here I'd have to say that maybe it is the LUST thing that is striking. Because love does take time to grow and be nurtured and all of that. That is what I believe, anyhow. So, my answer would have to be that an affair is consciously done.


This is a very stark question. My guts say, no, don't make everyone suffer like that, as there could be game-playing, and all kinds of things that children should not be made part of (chosing sides, witnessing brutal fights, drinking, cheating in the obvious, etc., etc.). Again this was a difficult question, but I answered with my guts. Thanks for this provocative conversation, I like to see how the others feel, too. :)

Very good answers Kiz :-)

Kids minds does get slowly poisoned when the parent's relationship is dead and the kids has to witness the fights and the arguments. Complete break may save them from this slow poisoning of the heart and soul and perhaps the kids might retain the respect for both parents and also perhaps a friendship with both...

[Nightshade]

Many a loving relationship began with an affair.


This is a double-edged sword. Many a loving family destroyed too.

OT yet again....
Dont know why but this brings to mind
Look to her moor if thou has eyes to see, she has decived her father and may thee ( othello Acti sceneiii)

Because frankly how caan you trust someone not to have an affaire if you only got them by them from one? Turn about is fair play, comsic justice leopards and their spots and all that.http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m235/Night-D/msn_sarcastic-1.png

[Virgil]

This is a very stark question. My guts say, no, don't make everyone suffer like that, as there could be game-playing, and all kinds of things that children should not be made part of (chosing sides, witnessing brutal fights, drinking, cheating in the obvious, etc., etc.). Again this was a difficult question, but I answered with my guts. Thanks for this provocative conversation, I like to see how the others feel, too. :)

There have been a number of responses where people believe it is better for the kids that parents to split up. I happen to disagree. I believe that a large percentage of problem children come from single parent homes. Check the child criminal statistics, and even adlt crime statistics. Now that is not to say that most kids won't get along fine. I also believe, although I don't have the evidence handy, that kids of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves as adults. One last thing, unless a family is rich, splitting up costs the kids an incredible amount in standard of living. Poverty, especially child poverty, is intimately linked to single family homes. Even if they are not in poverty, there is so much finacially that they lose, like living in a better neighborhood, better colleges, vacations, activities. So my bottom line is this, unless the parents are bitterly fighting, then I believe it is better for a two parent family. Plus kids want their parents love, not some complicated arrangement.

[kiz_paws]

Yes, you have made valid points, Virgil, which is why I thought that this particular question was difficult. What you said about
costing the child an incredible amount in standards of living was so correct.

But, having said that, the cost of a child feeling that they have been burdening the parents to stay together because of them causes psychological problems and in cases, a strange way of viewing relationships. That is only citing two problems with staying together for the kids...

There really is no easy answer to this. But for a black and white type of answer, if I may, and if I may play the role of a child in this situation -- I'd much rather live in an environment that may lack monetarily, but is not an explosive one, where I feel that I am personally responsible for all the bickering...

ON THE OTHER HAND -- So they do split up, then what is to stop parents from playing the 'which side are you on' game when they share the rights to the child.... That is all too common, as well.

Hmmm, so I feel that this is very difficult indeed. There are so many facets to the un-doing of a relationship. Please forgive my long post... :)

[SleepyWitch]

Virgil, I think those criminal kids you mean would be poor anway, single parent or two parent family.
I think those kids you mean either never had a father, or the parents weren't married or if they were the father ran off.
I think poverty can be one of the reasons for this kind of irresponsible behaviour (esp. on the fathers' side), rather than the cause of divorce.

[Virgil]

Kid paws - I was referring to couples that were not bitterly fighting. I agree, if the home is a war zone, then the kids are probably better off with divorced parents.

Sleepy, my point is that divorce lowers the standard of living of the children. If they already start off poor, then the children go into desparate situation.

Here are some articles in general:


Children of divorced parents are more likely to end their own marriages
Main Category: Psychology / Psychiatry News
Article Date: 28 Jun 2005 - 2:00 PDT

Children of divorced parents often bitterly vow not to repeat the same mistakes. They want to avoid putting themselves and their own children through the pain that comes from the dissolution of a marriage. But, according to University of Utah researcher Nicholas H. Wolfinger, these children's aspirations face unfavorable odds.

"Growing up in a divorced family greatly increases the chances of ending one's own marriage, a phenomenon called the divorce cycle or the intergenerational transmission of divorce," says Wolfinger, assistant professor in the University of Utah's Department of Family and Consumer Studies.

Wolfinger has spent a decade studying the marriages of children from divorced homes in America. These children are more likely to marry as teens, cohabitate and marry someone who is also a child of divorced parents. And they are also one-third less likely to marry if they are over age 20.

Wolfinger's new book is devoted entirely to the divorce cycle. "Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in Their Own Marriages," published by Cambridge University Press, contains important information for those interested in divorce and its repercussions and for policy makers who determine family and divorce law.

"Divorce is an important topic because it has so many consequences for well-being," writes Wolfinger, also an adjunct assistant professor in the university's Department of Sociology. "Its transmission between generations adds a whole new dimension by perpetuating the cycle of divorce. � The divorce cycle, in short, can be thought of as a cascade. Ending a marriage starts a cycle that threatens to affect increasing numbers of people over time, a sobering thought in an era when half of all new marriages fail."

Wolfinger's research also suggests that if one spouse comes from divorced parents, the couple may be up to twice as likely to divorce. Spouses who are both children of divorced parents are three times more likely to divorce as couples who both hail from intact families. [SNIP] http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=26714


Painful Legacy of Divorce Breakup's Effect On Children Often Reaches Far into Adulthood
says book based on 25-year study
You may feel as if you grew up on a desert island, far from the mysterious world of lasting romantic love.

You may believe that even if you do fall in love, you are destined to jinx the relationship, or be abandoned, or be terribly hurt.

You may fear conflict and change and have a tough time separating from your parents, even though you left home years ago.

A new book, based on a lengthy study, argues that emotional complications like these are common among adult children of divorced parents -- and that they may not be fully evident until decades after the breakup.

"The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce,'' by Marin County psychologist Judith Wallerstein, San Francisco State University psychology professor Julia M. Lewis and New York Times science correspondent Sandra Blakeslee, is based on a 25-year examination of the lives of 93 Marin County adults.

Wallerstein, founder of the Center for the Family in Transition in Corte Madera, began examining this group in 1971, when they were children and adolescents. Now they are between the ages of 28 and 43.

Initially, researchers expected that the study findings would be different -- that the most stressful time for the children would come right after the divorce.

Instead, they found that post-divorce difficulties become most severe when the children of divorced parents reach adulthood, as their search for lasting commitment moves to center stage.

"They are terrified because they are convinced they are going to fail,'' said Wallerstein in a telephone interview from Massachusetts, where she was on tour promoting the book. "They don't know how to choose. They make bad choices. They divorce a lot.''

"It breaks their hearts,'' she said. ``They don't take marriage lightly, but they don't know how to do it.'' Many of the study participants said that seriously searching for a life partner felt like going through their parents' divorce all over again.
[SNIP] http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Relationships/Site/story_divorced_parents.htm


Study Shows Children of Divorced Parents More Likely to take Ritalin
This post was written by Laura Smith on 6 June, 2007 (07:41)

Researchers are beginning to question a finding that children from marriages that have ended in divorce are twice as likely to be prescribed drugs for attention-deficit disorder as children whose parents stay married. A Canadian study conducted found that more than 6 percent of 633 children from divorced families were prescribed Ritalin. Only 3.3 percent of children whose parents stayed married received this treatment. These numbers seem small but lead to large numbers of children when applied to the public population. The study began in 1994 with 4,700 children while all families were intact. They then followed up on these children regularly to check on the marital status of their family and to see what drugs were prescribed to them. Children of single parent families are also more likely to be prescribed mood changing drugs such as Ritalin, but researchers are asking questions about why this is.

Ritalin, also known as methylphenidate, is a psycho-stimulant drug most often given to kids with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The use of this drug to treat such a condition has tripled throughout the world since 1993. Researchers are beginning to wonder if the drug is being over-prescribed, especially to children who are misdiagnosed.

One possibility is that the results of divorce can cause children to act out so their doctor prescribes Ritalin to decrease their lashing out. This in itself is alarming since it shows kids that when you act out, you must be sedated, no matter what the reason for your actions are. This corrects the problem for the otherwise seemingly powerless parent, but the children are unable to get their anger towards their situation out. What researchers are truly worried about though is the idea that doctors may be so influenced by their patients’ personal life that they are more likely to diagnose a problem that isn’t there and over-prescribe Ritalin to kids who don’t really need it. They just need to get over their situation. [SNIP] http://www.bloggernews.net/17478

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Virgil. interesting articles :)


Wolfinger writes, "It is certainly good news that people are less likely to stay in high conflict marriages than they used to." However, "ending a low-conflict marriage may hurt children as much as staying in a high-conflict family," and the odds of divorce transmission are actually highest if parents dissolve a marriage after little or no conflict.
??? why do people get divorced when there's little or no conflict?

[kiz_paws]

thanks Virgil. interesting articles :)


??? why do people get divorced when there's little or no conflict?

I would think that possibly a partner who is bored and wants to move on would vote to think about divorce. Or sometimes people settle into an indifference way of living. No passion, just moving along, side by side in a predictable fashion -- until one or the other decides to pull the plug.

Also, the conflict might take place outside of the child's vision of the parents. This is a mature way of handling conflict, I'd say. But as the stats may read, this kind of divorce would have higher repercussions with the children left in the ashes, so to speak, due to the proverbial carpet being pulled out from beneath them.

Anyhow those were some of my thoughts. Thanks for the articles, Virgil. :)

[ewilson]

I voted that affairs are wrong. Period. While there may be many reasons for entering into an affair (fulfillment, loneliness, boredom, etc.), the bottom line, for me, is that it is still wrong. I have yet to discover a "happy ending" (other than in movies) to an affair. Even if another relationship/marriage develops from the affair, there is still the issue of trust to be dealt with. In other words, "If you cheated on him/her, will you also cheat on me?" Or, if there is a person with a single status, the question becomes, "You had an affair with me, would you do it with someone else.":idea:

I, too, understand on both an emotional and intellectual level, why folks feel compelled to enter into affairs. And, as many have already stated, it's not a black or white issue. However, in my humble opinion, it is wrong -- regardless the reason or outcome.

[XY&Z]

Men generally cheat for the novelty of it and to boost low self-esteem, and women cheat because there’s a fundamental flaw in the relationship. - Nietzsche

Even reasons are different, therefore points of view will be too.

[atiguhya padma]

The question about trusting your lover if your relationship developed through an affair is somewhat naive in my opinion. Again, the world isn't black and white. There are a whole multitude of reasons why a couple might embark on an affair. We are all individuals. An adulterous or unfaithful person doesn't become forever after untrustworthy. Love isn't some third rate Hollywood morality tale script. We are not automata that are doomed to make the same errors just because we programmed ourselves to have an affair - affairs are sometimes mistakes, sometimes acts of liberation, sometimes dreams come true or whatever. Sometimes affairs maybe the correction of earlier errors. Ihave known plenty of people who have had loving trusting relationships that have evolved out of affairs.