Unanswered

[Elle***]

My first post on this site, please give me any advice in order for me to improve...

As i sleep in the depths of my mind
Although i fail to rest
Im determined to find the key
To open this locked chest

To unvail all the secrets
That were unknown to me
And resolve all the questions
That were not answered to me

Now i know what went wrong
And also what went right
Now i wish i hadn't opened the locked chest
just for one more night

[linz]

My first post on this site, please give me any advice in order for me to improve...

As i sleep in the depths of my mind
Although i fail to rest
Im determined to find the key
To open this locked chest

To unvail all the secrets
That were unknown to me
And resolve all the questions
That were not answered to me

Now i know what went wrong
And also what went right
Now i wish i hadn't opened the locked chest
just for one more night

This is a similar subject as my first poem on the site.

Perhaps if you thought a little more symmetrically it would shine more, though what it meant is perfect. The main thing I see is in 'Now i wish i hadn't opened the locked chest' is long and acquired sounding maybe, losses rhythm. I liked the poem though, and hope I helped.

[Elle***]

yes that helped alot. thanks for the great feedback

[littlewing53]

i enjoyed reading it immensely.....thought it was beautiful...hopefully you will continue to bring more to the poetry table...

[Elle***]

thankyou so much...i have been writing alot of poems recently and i hope to share them with you and get some feedback to help me improve and all areas of my work.

[Elle***]

Please tell me im the reason
you laugh and smile
I feel ive known you all my life
since I was a child

do I drive you crazy
how do you feel
Im asking these questions
because this is too good 2 be real

i hear voices sayin
your a better girl
But everyone knows
you are my whole world

You know Id never leave
id be lost without you
And when your heart stops beating
i'll be beside you

Looking at you,
my eyes could appear sore
When you began to kiss me
I always wanted more

When I layed in your bed
I never wanted to leave this place
There was a missing piece of the puzzle
which had been placed with ur face

I told people that I was happy
and you were the one
The weight that was on my shoulders
had finally gone

But then I told you ‘your life aint gonna be the same’
We gonna have a baby…I never saw you again...

this was hard for me to right because this is real but im not looking for sympthy just advice on how to improve...

also theres a part two to this so i'll be posting it soon...

[Pendragon]

Good. The Pathos comes through very well. My only suggestion is to actually spell out words when writing poetry. You are not text-messaging now, you are writing for a (hopefully!) much larger audience. So instead of using "2" spell the word "to" and instead of "ur", spell "your". Also be sure to capitalize those I's. Great poem!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[Elle***]

i totally understand what your saying. i actually wrote it on paper briefly then copyed it onto the computer exactly how i wrote it and fogot to check it though in detail! :s
thanks for the feedback. appreciated.:)