Going down

[Dobber]

I'm engulfed in water.
I'm going deeper and deeper but I feel no fear.
My senses aren't working down in the dark.
I hear nothing but theres nothing to hear
I can't see but theres nothing to see
I can't feel but theres nothing to feel.
The fish are leaving me.
They're leaving in nets.

[Pendragon]

I like it, but I think it's too short. It seems a great beginning, I'm just not sure there's a close.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[linz]

Almost Surreal. Very bleak, though it must not be too bleak if he has no fear. What does it mean?

[Riesa]

although the words are direct and simple, and could stand some re-working (in my opinion, others may disagree)

a strange sensation of drowning accompanies this strongly enough to leave an effect on me, the person drowning has a cold acceptance of the inevitable. when I would imagine that drowning would cause a more frantic reaction, maybe at some point you do let go...


I hear nothing but theres nothing to hear
I can't see but theres nothing to see
I can't feel but theres nothing to feel.


The fish are leaving me.
They're leaving in nets.


and yet there is in that last gasp of despair a humanness in the sorrow that even the fish leave him/her to a dark lonely death. seems almost arrogantly preferred over the means with which the fish will meet their own demise, caught...

some more imagery would make this a nicer poem, in my opinion. maybe play with the words a little more?

'ears deaf to the vacant boom'
'eyes shut to light's absence...'

:p well, you get the idea.