Startling As Love

[jon1jt]

1.

As if displayed in a gallery eyed by finger-pointing types,
the heap of unalterable time in a naked face.

"...as if he‘s unfacing himself"(one notes).

I wonder what you will think of me after.

-

Human hands reach out for the last blade of sun.
Homo Sapiens:
“The creatures that almost cared.”

(I feel I know why)

[Riesa]

what...66 views and no comments???!!!! ;)

jon, you escape the limits of language with ease, and it's always such a joy to read your poems for the surprise which your creativity brings to the page.. I read this one a few times waiting for the subtle imagery to grip me in some profound way... I get glimpses and hints, but much remains a mystery. that's fine. some of the changes I like, others...like..."
I feel I understand why." being removed, removed one of the lines that intrigued me through first reads.


"a patch of grass the landlady let me borrow..."
why not a patch of borrowed grass? that 'landlady' makes me think house-dress, slippers, curls under a handkerchief...gets on my nerves. :lol:

sorry, but is that image absolutely necessary? :p

second stanza in 2's changes are all excellent...glad you got rid of 'elephant skins' it distracted from the softness of drifted snow. love line 1
.."shadows of trees unminding"


color: sand,green,green,yellow,fuschia,orange,
ivy,gold!

ummm...are there supposed to be two 'green's? and then I like the added ivy, (another green) and gold! I like that exclamation...:) the rest of the changes in this stanza are great.




Bees bumbling in the folds,
cloyingly sweet blues and
yellows, summer a-gushing.

delight to mine eyes. :p


oh and out of curiosity's sake..



"...as if he‘s

that backwards apostrophe spins me for a loop, was that intentional? :p

see, I read them closely. :D

[blp]

I've read it a couple of times. Been very tired in the last two days and so am one of those who stopped in without commenting. I'm still frequently surprised that you once had a go at me for writing an unintelligible poem, but I don't mind. I think this one needs something to knock it into shape, to give it a shape. We all know you can use language like a pro, but this one doesn't feel like it's quite about anything yet. Maybe people looked and went away stumped. I hope and am fairly sure you know I don't want anything spelled out, just for it to click. I like the landlady and I like the bit about you pulling yourself up from under the earth and the two work well together, the landlady undercutting the mythic quality of the other bit. I don't much go for 'the creatures that almost cared'. Isn't it more complicated than that?

[jon1jt]

hey riesa, thanks for reading with a critical eye and the original in mind. the landlady bit was for the effect blp mentioned. i set out to have the entire poem written as a big fantasia, but it was getting long and messy and so i salvaged what i could. hence, the landlady insertion! well, not exactly. :)

i was unsure whether the line 'i feel i know why' was just complicating it more, but i'm leaning toward putting it back. and you are just hating all over my "buildings hung like elephant skin" line. lol! hey i like that image given i live in a cess pool off the Hudson with this skyline snarling down on me! the inverted quotation is strange, i don't know how to even type one of those! lol!

as far as the color listing of the flowers and the green twice, i had originally listed it a bunch of times inspired by how it jumps out at me when i look at a garden. my half-buddha bow to you.

blp: hey whenever i said that about your poem being unintelligible i was secretly celebrating the fact that i'm not the only one who writes them! lol! i think you'll agree that i'll pick a good fight any day for poems that just click. :) i'll take abstraction over notebook scribble any day. but that's just me. yeah this one is still under construction in search of that click. i wonder if some clicks can come after, maybe even long after.

Isn't it more complicated than that? my armchair observation sees conscience as the call of care. And sadly, i don't see enough of its forward action in homo sapiens to call it anything more. :)

[blp]

i think you'll agree that i'll pick a good fight any day for poems that just click.

Mmm. I had noticed. :) And yes, I reckon some clicks do come a long time after.