My First Poem

[kiobe]

This is my first attempt at a poem. Be honest. Let me have it. Like it? hate it? Please say something.

REGRET

Asleep for now
a momemt of reprieve
almost floating in the chair
that has become your's alone

vines and twists of tubes that
deliver an invisiable angel
to your tired body and give
you the gift of dreams

I want to hold you the way you
must have held me when I was so small
and to quietly ask
are you scared

But you are asleep for now
and what a thief I would be
to rob you of the few carefree moments
you have left

your memorys are thick in my mind
your photos grace my home
my greatest blunder was not to ask
are you scared

[the silent x]

very good, i like the whole imagery of regret staying with you, even when it's not actually taking you this second, it's still there
the one part i didn't understand was the tubes part. what was that exactly?

[kiobe]

very good, i like the whole imagery of regret staying with you, even when it's not actually taking you this second, it's still there
the one part i didn't understand was the tubes part. what was that exactly?

Thanks so much for your critique. My mom was dieing from emphysema and she was allways connected to an oxygen tube. It may be a bit of a reach calling oxygen an angel. Ya know, it's my first. Thanks again for reading it!!

[the silent x]

i can clearly see why oxygen is an angel, if i was under water and out of breath, the first thing i do when i break the surface is suck in a lungful of air, without air, there is no human life and angels are the protectors of human life. sorry about your mom, the closest that has come to me is my grandma died of cancer, which one my mom won't say. do you feel regret for your mom having emphysemia? the reason i ask is you put it in you regret poem, ( i know, i'm being obvious) are you christian?

[amanda_isabel]

i really liked the poem.. pretty good for a first, you know. I've been writing poems since i was a kid so i did start with the whole rhyming and inverted sentence thing.. sorry about your mom, by the way...

i hope you keep writing.. looking forward to more of your work

amanda

[symphony]

The poem wasnt very clear when i read it first, but then i read that last post about ur mother and the whole poem was lucid. I think the poem takes in a totally different image once the fact behind it is put forth. So i think it would've been better if the name of the poem revealed a bit about the facts behind it, "Regret" seems to be a bit disappropriate(even a little banal) here.

[kiobe]

i can clearly see why oxygen is an angel, if i was under water and out of breath, the first thing i do when i break the surface is suck in a lungful of air, without air, there is no human life and angels are the protectors of human life. sorry about your mom, the closest that has come to me is my grandma died of cancer, which one my mom won't say. do you feel regret for your mom having emphysemia? the reason i ask is you put it in you regret poem, ( i know, i'm being obvious) are you christian?

Hi Silent. I almost went back and took out the post about my mom because it might solicit sympathy. By the way, thanks. My mom has been gone for 18 years and I have allways regreted not asking her if she was scared of dieing. I wanted to, but I was too scared to talk about it, so I live with that regret. I am really sorry about your grandmother. I was raised catholic but I have evolved into a naturalist.

[kiobe]

i can clearly see why oxygen is an angel, if i was under water and out of breath, the first thing i do when i break the surface is suck in a lungful of air, without air, there is no human life and angels are the protectors of human life. sorry about your mom, the closest that has come to me is my grandma died of cancer, which one my mom won't say. do you feel regret for your mom having emphysemia? the reason i ask is you put it in you regret poem, ( i know, i'm being obvious) are you christian?


i really liked the poem.. pretty good for a first, you know. I've been writing poems since i was a kid so i did start with the whole rhyming and inverted sentence thing.. sorry about your mom, by the way...

i hope you keep writing.. looking forward to more of your work

amanda

Thank you so much for the complement and the consolation. Where can I find some of your poems?

Oy, still figureing out this multi quote thing. Sorry.

[kiobe]

The poem wasnt very clear when i read it first, but then i read that last post about ur mother and the whole poem was lucid. I think the poem takes in a totally different image once the fact behind it is put forth. So i think it would've been better if the name of the poem revealed a bit about the facts behind it, "Regret" seems to be a bit disappropriate(even a little banal) here.

Good point. I'll have to give that some thought. I've been so stuck in regret that it is possible that there may be something else behind it. Thanks for the critique.

[Pendragon]

Touching and yet lovely. Nice. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[kiobe]

Touching and yet lovely. Nice. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

Thanks, Pen. How have you been feeling?

[Shurtugal]

This is my first attempt at a poem. Be honest. Let me have it. Like it? hate it? Please say something.

REGRET

Asleep for now
a momemt of reprieve
almost floating in the chair
that has become your's alone

vines and twists of tubes that
deliver an invisiable angel
to your tired body and give
you the gift of dreams

I want to hold you the way you
must have held me when I was so small
and to quietly ask
are you scared

But you are asleep for now
and what a thief I would be
to rob you of the few carefree moments
you have left

your memorys are thick in my mind
your photos grace my home
my greatest blunder was not to ask
are you scared

not to be rood, but i don't really understand it. there's two explanation:
1. i'm terrible at understanding poems.
or
2. you didn't make yourself clear.
if "2" is what you believe to be your choice then try working on it. give more aligories and analogies. good luck-argetlam

[kiobe]

not to be rood, but i don't really understand it. there's two explanation:
1. i'm terrible at understanding poems.
or
2. you didn't make yourself clear.
if "2" is what you believe to be your choice then try working on it. give more aligories and analogies. good luck-argetlam

Hi Shurtugal.
Well, I'll go through it. The poem is about the regret I live with for not asking my mom if she was afraid of dieing, thus allowing her to clear her mind and talk about it if she wanted to. She had been slowly dieing of emphaziema from smoking.
The first part is about her sleeping in her chair and how when we are asleep all our worries and problems are temporarily gone.
The second part is about the oxygen tank and tubes that she gets her pure air from, and without it she wouldn't be able to live and sleep and dream.
The third part is about how I wanted to hold her and comfort her the way she held me when I was her baby, and ask her if she was scared. But I was so afraid to deal with her comming death that I didn't.
The forth part is about not wanting to wake her from the few moments of quiet solitude and possible beautiful dreams she may have been having while asleep.
The last part is about me looking at her pictures in my home and never letting myself off the hook for letting those moments go by paralized by fright and alowing her to share with someone her feelings of death and life.

Thanks for reading it.

[Bakiryu]

Beautiful poem Kiobe. I await for more to come *smiles*

[weepingforloman]

Thanks so much for your critique. My mom was dieing from emphysema and she was allways connected to an oxygen tube. It may be a bit of a reach calling oxygen an angel. Ya know, it's my first. Thanks again for reading it!!

Sorry about your mother.

Grace and Peace.

[kiobe]

Beautiful poem Kiobe. I await for more to come *smiles*
thanks bakiryu

Sorry about your mother.

Grace and Peace.
thanks weepingforloman

[babybrother]

REGRET

Asleep for now
a momemt of reprieve
almost floating in the chair
that has become your's alone

vines and twists of tubes that
deliver an invisiable angel
to your tired body and give
you the gift of dreams

I want to hold you the way you
must have held me when I was so small
and to quietly ask
are you scared

But you are asleep for now
and what a thief I would be
to rob you of the few carefree moments
you have left

your memorys are thick in my mind
your photos grace my home
my greatest blunder was not to ask
are you scared

It hit home with me immediately. I loved the way you start by resting in a chair and then tell you story. My mom also died 8 years ago from the same thing and I did the exact same thing as you, right down to the pictures around the room. Very nicely done and very sorry for your loss.

[motherhubbard]

Kiobe

I thought your poem was very nice. I understood right off and could even picture you looking at her sleeping face wanting to wake her but deciding not to. I thought it was very expressive. I understood your imagery with no trouble. I can see how it might be hard to understand for someone who has never cared for or stayed with a dieing loved one. The rest of us need no explanation. I’m glad you shared it with us. It is a hard thing to loose a parent, even though we all know it is most likely to happen that way. If I were your mother I would be especially touched by this part




I want to hold you the way you
must have held me when I was so small
and to quietly ask
are you scared

your memorys are thick in my mind

[Granny5]

I lost my Mother 28 years ago and most of the time I feel like no one understands the loss. I know now that someone does. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[ampoule]

Beautiful. The last like sent chills through me.