A poem

[Unbeliever]

I've written quite a few mediocre limericks, and a couple of haiku, but I wrote an actual poem, if you'd like to see it:

America Betrayed

America has been betrayed
By the politicians' corporate greed,
And by a president, who's only creed
Is "Get the oil! No need for trade,
"We want control, so let's invade!"

The neo-cons' agenda's weighed
In the moral balance, and found wanting,
Like the Nazis, who still are haunting
The concience of a world decayed,
A world where caring's been mislaid.

For long the corporations preyed
On the cheapest labour they could find,
And "Profit Only!" they've enshrined,
While the ones who work are underpaid,
Who slave away with pen or spade.

The politicians masquerade
As pious saviours, while they steal
The nation's sweat, and then conceal
The avarice of their charade,
While responsibility they evade.

But now the truth has been displayed,
Though we've just begun to recognize
The wolves who long were in disguise;
We're not just sheep, we're not afraid,
And we WILL NOT let our country fade!

[Bii]

Hi Unbeliever,

I liked this poem, which I didn't expect to (something to do with the subject matter!). It's neatly done, but might benefit from a little editing. I think the second stanza is a little weak, perhaps solely due to the second line which doesn't quite scan right.

Overall though I thought this was good, and if this was your first full poem it shows a talent for rhythm and description. I'm looking forward to seeing more.



America has been betrayed
By the politicians' corporate greed,
And by a president, who's only creed
Is "Get the oil! No need for trade,
"We want control, so let's invade!"


I think you mean "weapons of mass destruction" here?!!! Surely it was never about the oil? ;)

[kiobe]

I've written quite a few mediocre limericks, and a couple of haiku, but I wrote an actual poem, if you'd like to see it:

America Betrayed

America has been betrayed
By the politicians' corporate greed,
And by a president, who's only creed
Is "Get the oil! No need for trade,
"We want control, so let's invade!"

The neo-cons' agenda's weighed
In the moral balance, and found wanting,
Like the Nazis, who still are haunting
The concience of a world decayed,
A world where caring's been mislaid.

For long the corporations preyed
On the cheapest labour they could find,
And "Profit Only!" they've enshrined,
While the ones who work are underpaid,
Who slave away with pen or spade.

The politicians masquerade
As pious saviours, while they steal
The nation's sweat, and then conceal
The avarice of their charade,
While responsibility they evade.

But now the truth has been displayed,
Though we've just begun to recognize
The wolves who long were in disguise;
We're not just sheep, we're not afraid,
And we WILL NOT let our country fade!

I dig this! Nicely done.

[Unbeliever]

Yes, that was indeed my first attempt at writing poetry. I didn't seem to have any choice at the time, the muse struck, and I obeyed. I don't know if the muse will ever strike me again, but if so, I'll try to stay away from politics, since it's a very sensitive subject, these days. And I realize the doggerel has many faults, but thanks for being nice - others have been much more scathing! :lol:

[Pendragon]

I think you spoke for a lot of us, mon ami. Great poem! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[Unbeliever]

Thanks Pendragon!

[quasimodo1]

To the Unbeliever: You might consider submitting this poem to the nytimes oped dept. They will actually print stuff from regular citizens and set aside a considerable space for it. They printed a few comments I sent them along political lines, and this poem fits right in. quasimodo1

[Unbeliever]

I find it hard to believe that the only poem I've ever written (aside from a few limericks) is good enough to submit for publication. But I'll consider it. Thanks for your suggestion!

[quasimodo1]

To Unbeliever: The Poem has a certain political spin, that's the draw. I'm not applying for laureate status either. quasi

[linz]

Well said, Unbeliever!

[Unbeliever]

It's neatly done, but might benefit from a little editing. I think the second stanza is a little weak, perhaps solely due to the second line which doesn't quite scan right.

I reworked the second stanza, is it any better? I took out the reference to Nazis, too, to avoid Godwin's rule.

The neo-cons' agenda's weighed
On the moral scales, and found wanting,
Like the robber-barons, who still are haunting
The concience of a world decayed,
A world where caring's been mislaid.

[quasimodo1]

To Unbeliever: Definite improvement. You know when you edit or rewrite poetry with improvement in mind, sometimes you/I digress or loose track of your original vision, the inspirition or impulse or compulsion that made you put it down and I firmly believe in one buhdist concept...first thought=best thought. Ok, some exceptions. Still, that first mind-set is the key. quasi