sign pen (again)

[blp]

all day
glass walls and windows

people talking
in the quiet of glassed off space
lips in motion

black marks. scratches.
walls in shadow
clouds
halos of hot hair
insights.

present
/ an awning
on a shaded yard
beside a stream
of silage

a cow is stunned, a horse is shot, bones crush /

coloured notes
on glass

flies dog

the meeting over coffee

But would we get to see a real horse?

/ terriers eviscerate rats
flecks of black-red iron
spatter on tiled walls

the pewit calls along the hedgerow /

trill
and,

_________, it’s for thee

[jon1jt]

i wrote you an extended review for this poem that disappeared on the other site. anyway, the spirit of it was that this version is just excellent. i noticed you indented S2. i had mentioned that i thought this poem would be a wonderful candidate for a visual art experience in words. i was just wondering if it works with the repeat of "glass" in line 2, the first five lines to the office, then later "the meeting over coffee." i think this is more one of my pet peevs when i'm writing poems so you ought not listen to me. :) this one stands far above Version 1 in my opinion.

[blp]

Thanks, jon. So glad you agree. I feel it's very close, if not there, am very happy about it and I must admit I'd have found it hard to accept any dissent!

One 'glass' was taken out then put back in between the two versions, so that part is still open for debate, as are a few visual tweaks, which I'm still mulling over (and waiting to tackle until I'm at home).

[jon1jt]

Thanks, jon. So glad you agree. I feel it's very close, if not there, am very happy about it and I must admit I'd have found it hard to accept any dissent!

One 'glass' was taken out then put back in between the two versions, so that part is still open for debate, as are a few visual tweaks, which I'm still mulling over (and waiting to tackle until I'm at home).

does that mean you're at the office writing pomes?!! ahh, not working for the team, eh?! :lol:

[blp]

Totally skiving, as we say here - but they know it. They haven't given me enough to do and all they want is for me to keep quiet and not remind them of it! :D

[jon1jt]

i had 'skiving' down to an art form when i worked in corporate! happy skiving to you! :)

[blp]

:) Who'd have thought paid work could be such a suitable situation for the dissolute?