Vote on which one may be best

[AZBOUND]

A)
MY FATHER


Release the horses of the Sun—
Oh Lord, it’s but a day.
Better the lowly deeds were done,
As kept the humble way.

Though rust will find the sword of fame,
And dust may stain the Royal Crown;
None shall nail so high His name,
Mere time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat,
It was in his quiet breast.
He found the common daylight sweet—
Now in Heaven at last to rest.


Peace be with you forever,
YOUR SON

B)
MY FATHER


He who drives the horses of the Sun
Oh Lord, it’s but a day.
Better the lowly deeds were done,
As kept the humble way.

The rust will find the sword of fame,
The dust will hide the crown.
None shall nail so high his name,
Time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat,
It was in his quiet breast.
That found the common daylight sweet
He was left in Heaven to rest.


Peace be with you forever,
YOUR SON

C)
MY FATHER


Who drives the horses of the sun
Shall Lord it but a day
Better the lowly deeds were done
And kept the humble way.

The rust will find the sword of fame,
The dust will hide the crown
None shall nail so high his name
Time shall not tear it down.

The happiest heart that has ever beat
Was in some quiet breast
That found the common daylight sweet
And left to Heaven the rest.


PEACE BE WITH YOU,
YOUR SON

Thank for your input

[SleepyWitch]

hi Az.. overall, I like version A best.
except for the second stanza


Though rust will find the sword of fame,
And dust may stain the Royal Crown;
None shall nail so high His name,
Mere time shall not tear it down.

I like the first two lines but the last two are better in version B... why not combine them?
"mere" makes the line too long, I think..
plus, the "though" is confusing because there's no real opposition expressed

--->
Rust will find the sword of fame
And dust may stain the Royal Crown
None shall nail so high his name,
Time shall not tear it down.

I'm not a native speaker, but I'd go for "rust" without a "the" because it refers to rust in general. "the rust" would imply a specific rust.. like "the rust on his car"...


None shall nail so high His name,


None shall nail so high his name
whose name do you mean by "His" and "his"?
His with a capital H refers to God, right? in this case, your lines would sound slightly blasphemeous ;) no one can nail God's name so high that time will not tear it down????
do you mean noone can nail their own name so high that time will not tear it down? in this case I'd spell it with a lower case "h"

[Pendragon]

Well, you know best why I voted the way I did. So, as I said then, use what you think best.

Pen

[AZBOUND]

I think a blend of all three is where it is going to go

[linz]

C is more compact and greater at getting to the piont, that great is God's love for the meek.

[AZBOUND]

come on folks, i'm looking for input

[AZBOUND]

I figure i won't change a thing