A Crewel Embroidery

[jon1jt]

Hush...
hear the
splash
against my
eyelids,
for just
a moment,
press against
me, feel the
crack of
an apple bough
sway in an
incandescent
undertoe, an
October wind
regaling, like
the release from
an old New York
City turnstile,
immense sky
roiled with
engine-gray
and black,
tree branches in
a spiraling current,
an electric lust

Hush...
hear the
gale purge
violence in a
seagull,
bite my
conscience
and bleed me
a river; when
twilight ends,
for now,
hold still
the wanderlust
until the
rain quiets,
the dark melts,
until the thicket
cools hard
like wax in
slow motion,
my skull
graced with
this vision
pouring
inside me

[white camellia]

Beautiful, Jon. Was it a rainy day from morning to night?

Immense
sky
roiled
with
engine-gray,
black;
tree
branches
in
a
spiraling
current--
an
el-
ec-
tric
lust.

This part is quite modern, natural beauty against an industrial background which was felt by the color you chose to define the sky.

The motif-gale, or wind, made the three fragments inherently connected.

The format gave a feeling of the dynamic.

[blp]

Why the angry face, camellia?

I saw this on the other site. Looks better here, somehow.

[Virgil]

Hey, this is excellent Jon. Wonderful lines and progresses nicely to that horizon as conclusion. Love this:

an
October
wind
regaling
like
the
release
from
an
old
New
York
City
turnstile. and

Hold still…

until
the
rain
quiets,
darkness
melts
for the
moon's
harden--
wax to
naked
stone.

I'm not sure the layout of the words as you position them does anything for me. I've never really seen the point of stuff like that.

[motherhubbard]

I liked the poem, but I’m with Virgil on the format. What I loved the most was that the setting was not what I expected. You started off talking about an apple tree and I imagined my own back yard and then you talked about New York and that changed things completely. I’m far from New York. I loved the contrast of a crisp green apple and an old turnstile.

[Riesa]

Hush...
hear the
gale purge
violence in a
seagull,

I like the newer, and yet I miss the old.

[white camellia]

Hush...
hear the
gale purge
violence in a
seagull,

I like the newer, and yet I miss the old.

I agree with Riesa on this. :)

[white camellia]

Why the angry face, camellia?
I've no idea how it was produced, nor the way to burn it.

[jon1jt]

i dug out the original version of this poem.

Riesa/White C: you guys really think this one is better than the revision???
oh my! any one...do you like the original version better?



Hush...
hear the
splash
against my
eyelids,
for just
a moment,
press against
me, feel the
crack of
an apple bough
sway in an
incandescent
undertoe, an
October wind
regaling, like
the release from
an old New York
City turnstile,
immense sky
roiled with
engine-gray
and black,
tree branches in
a spiraling current,
an electric lust

Hush...
hear the
gale purge
violence in a
seagull,
bite my
conscience
and bleed me
a river; when
twilight ends,
for now,
hold still
the wanderlust
until the
rain quiets,
the dark melts,
until the thicket
cools hard
like wax in
slow motion,
my skull
graced with
this vision
pouring
inside me

[Virgil]

I prefer the new version, Jon.

[Riesa]

Jon..I really enjoy the newer version, it was only the missing violent seagulls that saddened me, otherwise the new version is excellent, if you could somehow keep all of the new and fit those screechy birds in there it'd be perfect... I love the form, very playful. :)

[jon1jt]

I prefer the new version, Jon.

thanks virge, i appreciate that.



Jon..I really enjoy the newer version, it was only the missing violent seagulls that saddened me, otherwise the new version is excellent, if you could somehow keep all of the new and fit those screechy birds in there it'd be perfect...:)


i'm really glad that you like both versions! the original was written in about an hour and the revision took DAYS and completely exhausted me! lol! i tried very hard to preserve as much of the original as possible. most of the seagull line you like somehow got sucked into my editing shredder. um...i did save the seagull though.
:)

seriously though, i'd like to think that the original version of a poem never dies, it simply evolves and matures. :p or is that wishful thinking?

this brings to mind Whitman's Leaves of Grass. the revision was published 30 years after the original and became the more popular one. legend has it that whitman was editing Leaves while lying on his death bed! so much for poetic spontaneity, huh? :lol:



I love the form, very playful.

you "got" it!! ahhh, i'm a happy man, you have no idea. :)

[Virgil]

this brings to mind Whitman's two versions of Leaves of Grass. the revised copy was published 30 years after and became the more popular one. legend has it that whitman was editing Leaves while lying on his death bed! so much for poetic spontaneity, huh? :lol:


Yeah but in his case the original was so much better than the revision. Don't you think?

[jon1jt]

Yeah but in his case the original was so much better than the revision. Don't you think?

that's a great point virge, i didn't think of it that way.

i keep reminding myself to pick up a new copy of the original, which i lost. i just grabbed my 1892 edition and you're absolutely right, there's no comparison. it's watered down quite a bit, i don't like it much.

revision is a strange animal, huh? with editing, my fear is annihilating the intensity and voice of the original. knowing when enough is enough is key. i sure as hell can't get it right! :crash: :lol:

[dramasnot6]

As always, a beautiful work with some of the most stunning,original imagery I have read. Well done Jon.

[jon1jt]

As always, a beautiful work with some of the most stunning,original imagery I have read. Well done Jon.

hey thanks dramas i appreciate that. ;) the thick imagery is doing gymnastics with the left side of my brain. just don't ask me to walk the balance beam. :lol: