One amongst the throes

[dyingflame]

hi guys, I'm back.. what do you think of this poem? 'tis about weddings in malta - they're ALL THE SAME lol I know it's not that deep but I like criticizing the ridiculous aspects of my society...small talk etc




"At Olive Gardens"



They gorge their mouths with bread

to barely swerve round talk

and miss the superficial wounds

smearing mismatched chairs.

Fuelled by hors d'oevres

pineapple vodka, Malibu,

they indulge with words

the facts that they avoided.


Licking the scathing marks

forgotten in boiling water,

they scratch at the scraps

of food their hands crumpled.


While the commander watches,

birthday dates are remembered,

champagne glass bottles shatter,

and the round moon shines on walls.

[SleepyWitch]

not too bad :) I like sarcasm :)
i hate small talk and superficial people myself :)


Fuelled by hors d'oevres

pineapple vodka, Malibu,

they indulge with words

the facts that they avoided.

these are my fave lines from your poem...

the last stanza sounds a bit wobbly and chopped off to me, though...
how's about this:

With the commander watching
birthday dates are recalled

the last two lines sound ok :)

[dyingflame]

thanks for the info :) BTW "the commander" IS a popular wedding dj here in malta..

With the commander watching,

birthday dates are recalled,

champagne glass bottles shatter,

modern lights shine on ancient bastions.

What about this?

[Pendragon]

thanks for the info :) BTW "the commander" IS a popular wedding dj here in malta..

With the commander watching,

birthday dates are recalled,

champagne glass bottles shatter,

modern lights shine on ancient bastions.

What about this?Hummmm. I don't think "bastions" is the correct word either. You are trying to give a picture of grandeur that is somehow marred at the same time, correct? How about this, (Shades of Edgar Alan Poe): 'modern lights glisten off nitre-encrusted walls"

[dyingflame]

but I can't use Poe's exact words can I?

[Pendragon]

"nitre-encrusted"? I hardly think that discription would be only Poe's. As a matter of fact, that is a direct quote at all from The Cask of Amontillado. He said

"It is farther on," said I; "but observe the white web-work which gleams from these cavern walls."

He turned towards me, and looked into my eves with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.


"Nitre?" he asked, at length.


"Nitre," I replied. "How long have you had that cough?"

So you are safe enough! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/BlackCrow.gif

[dyingflame]

I read a simple version of that story when I was a kid and loved it :) I thought were quoting directly from a poem called "Shades".. I thought you said Poe wrote it.

[dyingflame]

On another hand, I have a new poem. Take a look. I like how it sounds when read aloud, and I don't really know what it's " about "
I just have an idea.



Inertia

In roughly similar uniforms of clearly sky-torn cloth,
they read the time while tearing paper to confirm identity
and confidently ride these foreign missiles of copper wire
with passion on wheels obliterated at the speed of light.

I stand waiting with them beneath refracted rays of noon,
dressed to rock, discovering the secret of what’s fashionable
while gentle groans rush past me in unseen shrivelling sparks
labouring to reach the hard-won deadline written in the trees.

I had to banish proud dust-worn trench coats
as the only victims of their animal impulse of inertia
rushing to fail again, with the typical smeared streaks
of salty facial wounds marking the hollow crevices
of frayed optic nerves, when even the eye-rub fails.

The target moves too much
and the laser sight escapes in the
long rows of swinging curtains of hair
all facing the same way,
swinging with the rhythm and curves
of the earth’s now tarnished armor
and earthquakes of pain fire into the control system.

[Pendragon]

Can't make up my mind on your new poem. May take several readings. When I said "Shades of Edgar Allan Poe." what I meant was that it reminded me of his poetry and stories. Poe wrote The Cask of Amontillado, where I gave you the quotes about the Nitre. Sorry! I sometimes forget that most people do not read like I do, or don't remember what they read as I do. Keep writing!

Pen

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/PuppyLove.gif

[dyingflame]

Don't worry, I really appreciate your feedback..I'm just afraid I'm losing my poetry skills a bit right now :S