New Poem- please criticize

[SleepyWitch]

here's a new poem I wrote... haven't been able to think of a title yet
please be cruel :D


The trees were swaying above our heads
and unspoken clouds crossed your face
as you clung to your hard-won innocence.
Like an angel forged from original sin
you kicked at the twigs on our path.

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song
and the ants beneath our feet
kept creeping and crawling on
trailing infinitely home

In stubborn silence you trod on the moss
and counted the pros and cons
and labeled them neatly to be filed
and stored between your wary brows

The woodpecker eyed a juicy worm
and the love-lorn frogs exploded with croaks
while deep down inside
your brotherly thoughts
brushed the walls of your rebel soul

Too tender to burst and subtle to fight
we sat on a blanket to talk
and an icy drop of dew
trickled down your flawless shell,
searching for a river of blood,
looking in vain for a river to join.



__________________________________________________ ______
edit: I've hightlighted the latest changes yellow

[motherhubbard]

I liked it Sleepy, I always like what you post. I could imagine the setting very clearly and feel twigs snap underfoot. I love the peaceful setting and turbulent mind you portrayed. I just wish I knew more about what was so troubling to this worrisome character. Other than that I might have said the birds songs were ancient instead of mindless.

[SleepyWitch]

thank you mother H. :)

I just wish I knew more about what was so troubling to this worrisome character.
hehe, use your imagination ;) two people alone in a wood, the guy is clinging to his innocence.... need I say more?:D
hum... maybe if it's not obvious from the poem itself, I should find a title that makes it clear?

[motherhubbard]

that would make it clearer. I thought that might be it, but there was a gender reversal, which is actually nice, but made me think I might be wrong.

[SleepyWitch]

that would make it clearer. I thought that might be it, but there was a gender reversal, which is actually nice, but made me think I might be wrong.

heheh, I love ambiguity... sometimes I love it too much, admittedly...
I will try to think of an appropriate title that helps you interpret the poem but doesn't sound too schmaltzy :)

[SleepyWitch]

does it get any better if I add these lines?

The trees were swaying above our heads
and unspoken clouds crossed your face
as you clung to your hard-won innocence.
Like an angel forged from original sin
you kicked at the twigs on our path.

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song
and the ants beneath our feet
kept creeping and crawling on
trailing infinitely home

In stubborn silence you trod on the moss
and counted the pros and cons
and labeled them neatly to be filed
and stored between your wary brows

The woodpecker ogled a juicy worm
and the burping frogs exploded with croaks
while deep down inside
your brotherly thoughts
brushed the walls of your rebelling soul

Too tender to burst and subtle to fight
we sat on a blanket to talk
and the sparkling wine trickled down your neck
looking for a river of blood
looking in vain for a river to join.

[jon1jt]

here's a new poem I wrote... haven't been able to think of a title yet
please be cruel :D


The trees were swaying above our heads
and unspoken clouds crossed your face
as you clung to your hard-won innocence.
Like an angel forged from original sin
you kicked at the twigs on our path.

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song
and the ants beneath our feet
kept creeping and crawling on
trailing home towards infinity

In stubborn silence you trod on the moss
and counted the pros and cons
and labeled them neatly to be filed
and stored between your wary brows

The woodpecker ogled a juicy worm
and the burping frogs exploded with croaks
while deep down inside
your brotherly thoughts
brushed the walls of your rebelling soul

Too tender to burst and subtle to fight
we sat on a blanket to talk
and the sparkling wine trickled down your neck
looking for a river of blood
looking in vain for a river to join.

this one has a lot of potential it just needs to be edited some. the writing is excellent, but at times i think you give away too much,

Too tender to burst and subtle to fight
we sat on a blanket to talk


and there's some redundancy as well:

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song

The woodpecker ogled a juicy worm

and the burping frogs exploded with croaks


putting the word 'infinity' to good use is a challenge and it's not quite working in this context:

kept creeping and crawling on
trailing home towards infinity

"kept" is a bit superfluous as used here.


"river of blood" ---a bit cliche for a piece with description at the forefront.


overall, i like it. it's well written, smooth, and i get a real sense of the private space you carved out in words. hope this helps.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks jon :) I'll think about the burping frogs :)

as usual, it's just something I've jotted down without thinking about it too much :)

[SleepyWitch]

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song
and the ants beneath our feet
kept creeping and crawling on
trailing infinitely home

any better?

[Turk]

I didn't understand so clear because of my English. But isn't there so much "and" when you read it loud it's getting tiring and boring because of repeating same word.

[Countess]

Sleepwitch, I think we have simliar styles because I always appreciate your work. This one reminds me of Thomas Hardy's "Neutral Tones". I wrote something similiar awhile back.
In any case, I don't think it needs editing, but that's just me. You pulled me in and made me feel with you - that's all I ask out of a poem.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks for your feedback, Turk...
which words don't you understand? maybe i can explain them
did anybody else feel like that about the "and"s?
if you don't stress them, they should be OK because you don't really hear them anyway...

[Countess]

Er, I'll add that it also reminds me of the scene in Hanging by a Thread where Drew and Christine are in the graveyard, saying their goodbyes. Here is the poem I wrote (don't let this detract from your poem - which is the subject) only to sort of empathize I suppose:

SEARCHING FOR LOVE

Standing alone by the riverbed
I hunt for you among the dead
familiar names carved in wood and stone
lay scattered along the ragged edge.

Within the fog, between the trees
I search for your approaching face,
but instead I find a cold grey stone
etched with your name, embraced by leaves.

[SleepyWitch]

Sleepwitch, I think we have simliar styles because I always appreciate your work. This one reminds me of Thomas Hardy's "Neutral Tones". I wrote something similiar awhile back.
In any case, I don't think it needs editing, but that's just me. You pulled me in and made me feel with you - that's all I ask out of a poem.

thanks Countess :)
i don't know that poem by Hardy..
hehe, don't compare me to famous poets so much, I'm only a humble beginner :blush:

[motherhubbard]

i didn't notice an and at all. I was caught up in the surroundings and emotions

[Turk]

Well, i don't know so much about English poetry and language. But i think poetry is to read loud and voice structure is important, when i think about Turkish i couldn't think of using a lot "and" in a poem, even repeating any word a lot. Though maybe it's ok in English poetry.

[Countess]

I'm with Motherhubbard - I didn't notice the "ands" either.

[SleepyWitch]

Er, I'll add that it also reminds me of the scene in Hanging by a Thread where Drew and Christine are in the graveyard, saying their goodbyes. Here is the poem I wrote (don't let this detract from your poem - which is the subject) only to sort of empathize I suppose:

SEARCHING FOR LOVE

Standing alone by the riverbed
I hunt for you among the dead
familiar names carved in wood and stone
lay scattered along the ragged edge.

Within the fog, between the trees
I search for your approaching face,
but instead I find a cold grey stone
etched with your name, embraced by leaves.

thanks Countess,
i haven't read your "Hanging by a Thread" yet.
hopefully I'll get around to reading EVERY members poems and stories after my exams :D

[SleepyWitch]

Well, i don't know so much about English poetry and language. But i think poetry is to read loud and voice structure is important, when i think about Turkish i couldn't think of using a lot "and" in a poem, even repeating any word a lot. Though maybe it's ok in English poetry.

in English little words (grammatical words) like "and", "to", "his" etc, are usually unstressed, unless you want to express a contrast, e.g. "It's avoidance OF, not avoidance FROM"
so you don't pronounce "and" with an "a" like in cat or apple, but with a very week sound.
this way the 'meaningful* words are easier to pick out in spoken language...
maybe it's different in Turkish, so you're not used to it and pronounce every word with the same stress.. (happens a lot with German learners of English even though it's the same in German)

[Bii]

I think this is an excellent poem, but one that would benefit from an edit, and (dare I say it?!) punctuation. The imagery is great, it's subtle, gentle and nicely done. The only part which didn't really work for me was the second to last stanza, somehow the woodpecker 'ogled' and 'burping frogs' seems out of context, too bald and aggressive a statement in the context of the rest of the poem which has a softer, more lyrical feel to it.

You definitely have a talent for creating images, and taking the reader along a journey (both physical and emotional), which I enjoyed immensely. Thanks for sharing!

[SleepyWitch]

I think this is an excellent poem, but one that would benefit from an edit, and (dare I say it?!) punctuation. The imagery is great, it's subtle, gentle and nicely done. The only part which didn't really work for me was the second to last stanza, somehow the woodpecker 'ogled' and 'burping frogs' seems out of context, too bald and aggressive a statement in the context of the rest of the poem which has a softer, more lyrical feel to it.

You definitely have a talent for creating images, and taking the reader along a journey (both physical and emotional), which I enjoyed immensely. Thanks for sharing!

thanks Bii.
would this sound better?

The woodpecker eyed a juicy worm

[SleepyWitch]

I've made some changes:

The trees were swaying above our heads
and unspoken clouds crossed your face
as you clung to your hard-won innocence.
Like an angel forged from original sin
you kicked at the twigs on our path.

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song
and the ants beneath our feet
kept creeping and crawling on
trailing infinitely home

In stubborn silence you trod on the moss
and counted the pros and cons
and labeled them neatly to be filed
and stored between your wary brows

The woodpecker eyed a juicy worm
and the love-lorn frogs exploded with croaks
while deep down inside
your brotherly thoughts
brushed the walls of your rebel soul

Too tender to burst and subtle to fight
we sat on a blanket to talk
and an icy drop of dew
trickled down your flawless shell,
searching for a river of blood,
looking in vain for a river to join.

[quasimodo1]

First of all I liked, all of it. Don't know as you would want to change it much. Unique style, not reminiscent of anybody, you have your own voice here, something ominous about it, in the most general way. You might try submitting to the Atlantic Monthly and even if they don't publish it, you might get better feedback than I can give. quasimodo1

[SleepyWitch]

thanks quasimodo.
glad you liked it :)
as for publishing, I don't think I'll ever publish anything except on LitNet and passing stuff round among my friends :blush:

[quasimodo1]

Good writing cries out for publication. When i was back there in seminary school, they had a saying, admitedly meant for those seeking PHDs, but the saying went..."Publish or Perish". It referenced the need of scholars to keep their work in the public eye (academia's eye). So don't be so shy and when it comes to publishing, humility is less of a virtue. quasimodo1

[SleepyWitch]

thanks quasi, I'll think about it.
according to one of my teachers, this saying has been updated to "get cited or perish" :(

[Bii]

Hi Sleepywitch - I still don't know about this stanza, it still feels a little out of step with the rest of the poem, but then that might just be me and no doubt many others will read it and think it's fab (that's the problem with poetry - it's all very subjective!)

The woodpecker eyed a juicy worm
and the love-lorn frogs exploded with croaks
while deep down inside
your brotherly thoughts
brushed the walls of your rebel soul

If this was my poem, I'd consider changing 'juicy' and 'exploded' for the same reason as I stated before - your poem has a gentle, reflective feel to it and these statements are quite aggressive compared to the rest of the poem. That being said, I'm struggling to come up with something that works better, and at the end of the day this is your poem, and it should express itself in the way you want it to.

I like the changes you've made so far with 'eyed' and 'love-lorn', I think these work really well.

As the others have mentioned, you've definitely got a voice, and a talent for poetry. I certainly enjoyed reading your work.

[SleepyWitch]

Hi Sleepywitch - I still don't know about this stanza, it still feels a little out of step with the rest of the poem, but then that might just be me and no doubt many others will read it and think it's fab (that's the problem with poetry - it's all very subjective!)

The woodpecker eyed a juicy worm
and the love-lorn frogs exploded with croaks
while deep down inside
your brotherly thoughts
brushed the walls of your rebel soul

If this was my poem, I'd consider changing 'juicy' and 'exploded' for the same reason as I stated before - your poem has a gentle, reflective feel to it and these statements are quite aggressive compared to the rest of the poem. That being said, I'm struggling to come up with something that works better, and at the end of the day this is your poem, and it should express itself in the way you want it to.

I like the changes you've made so far with 'eyed' and 'love-lorn', I think these work really well.

As the others have mentioned, you've definitely got a voice, and a talent for poetry. I certainly enjoyed reading your work.
thanks Bii. hehe, don't be so apologetic :) some of your criticism has helped me improve my poem...
on the other hand, I'd like those frogs to explode, because that way they contrast with the guy... for them it's easy to express their 'feelings' in croaks, whereas he has trouble making up his mind...

[Pendragon]

I like the poem a lot, Sleepy. All I'm going to do, is suggest a title:

Looking For Lethe

Here is why:

In Greek mythology, Lethe is one of the several rivers of Hades. Drinking from the river Lethe ("forgetfulness" or "oblivion") caused complete forgetfulness. Some ancient Greeks believed that souls were made to drink from the river before being reincarnated, so they would not remember their past lives.

Your poem gives me the image of a lonely person desperately looking for something. Maybe, hoping to forget? IDK. Great poem! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[dyingflame]

this is just great ... as a poet I can't hold up a candle to this poem with any of my work...wow...the descriptions are so natural, the feeling so universal- love blending with the location creates the scene, the atmosphere.. overall the poem couldn't be better. "river of blood" is a bit cliche as mentioned above but as it is at the end it just makes everything fall into place and context and lift any doubts about the subject, so there's nothing wrong with a cliche-image that is well placed..
oh when I read "like an angel forged from original sin" shivers went down my spine- that really was a powerful line, thanks.

edit: btw what about "unspoked clouds CARESSED your face"

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Uncle Pen and dyingflame...
yes, I know the river of blood is clichéd.. hopefully I'll come up with something better soon and edit it some more :)

[jon1jt]

thanks Bii.
would this sound better?

The woodpecker eyed a juicy worm


i really like Pen's poem title suggestion.

maybe it's the full moon, but i'm thinking more primordial for the woodpecker.
The woodpecker 'considered' :p or '..., with considering eyes...'

"infinitely" ---nah. :p



have fun and all that good stuff. :)

[quasimodo1]

To Pen: wasn't that river a tributary of the Styx, and don't you want to be careful before boating accross it? My mythology is a bit rusty. quasimodo1

[motherhubbard]

sleepy, I like the changes you've made to the woodpecker and frogs, and I like the words Juicy and exlplded for the same reasons you do! it really sounds wonderful!

[SleepyWitch]

thanks motherhubbard :), i will leave those untouched for the moment and think about what I can do with the stupid river of blood

[tulysg1982]

the peom is superb in one word.i felt you took inspirstion from T.S Eliot.but the contemporary aspect of this poem(which i didn't like) is the using contrasting language; sometimes poetic sometimes colloquial.however yor alliterations are very artistic.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks tuly. hehe, I've never read any T.S. Eliot poems... except the one with the.. what was it faces in the crowd? petals on a bough... So there's only myself to blame for the peom :)

[SleepyWitch]

maybe it's the full moon, but i'm thinking more primordial for the woodpecker.
The woodpecker 'considered' or '..., with considering eyes...


http://www.english-country-garden.com/a/i/birds/green-woodpecker-9.jpg

heeheee, would you call this "with considering eyes", jon?
seriously, woodpeckers are dangerous mutant combat creatures :) there's nothing poetical about them. just because they make romantic sounds when they peck wood, doesn't mean they're all nice and fluffy :D :D :D :D

*just joking*

[quasimodo1]

I liked the previous version better. Some buhdist keeps telling me...fist thought=best thought. quasimodo1

[SleepyWitch]

ok. I will keep both versions stored on my computer/ in my brain :)

[tyeness]

I've never read any T.S. Eliot poems... except the one with the.. what was it faces in the crowd? petals on a bough...

Wasn’t that Pound? In a station at the metro or something?

There is something imagist about the poem, maybe the description, concise yet original. I especially love the second stanza. I don’t think it needs changing, mindless and oblivious somehow work.

The frogs reminded me of Heaney’s poetry. He similarly mixing lyrical description with violent imagery, especially in the Bog poems.

Death of a Naturalist
Then one hot day when fields were rank
With cowdung in the grass the angry frogs
Invaded the flax-dam; I ducked through hedges
To a coarse croaking that I had not heard
Before. The air was thick with a bass chorus.
Right down the dam gross-bellied frogs were cocked
On sods; their loose necks pulsed like sails.

[SleepyWitch]

Wasn’t that Pound? In a station at the metro or something?

There is something imagist about the poem, maybe the description, concise yet original. I especially love the second stanza. I don’t think it needs changing, mindless and oblivious somehow work.

The frogs reminded me of Heaney’s poetry. He similarly mixing lyrical description with violent imagery, especially in the Bog poems.

Death of a Naturalist
Then one hot day when fields were rank
With cowdung in the grass the angry frogs
Invaded the flax-dam; I ducked through hedges
To a coarse croaking that I had not heard
Before. The air was thick with a bass chorus.
Right down the dam gross-bellied frogs were cocked
On sods; their loose necks pulsed like sails.


heehee, yes you are right, that was Pound :)
nice poem :) thanks for posting it

[Virgil]

This has been around Sleepy and I must have never caught it in my passing. I see you've had a lot of comments. I don't know if you changed the poem much from the first page. I didn't read the second page. Not sure what else to add except that the first two stanzas I didn't care for.

The trees were swaying above our heads
and unspoken clouds crossed your face
as you clung to your hard-won innocence.
Like an angel forged from original sin
you kicked at the twigs on our path.

Up in the trees the oblivious birds
were lost in their mindless song
and the ants beneath our feet
kept creeping and crawling on
trailing infinitely home
I'm not sure I see any originality in the language there, trees all sway above our heads," and I don't even understand what it has to do with the rest of the poem. The rest of the poem seems like an intetersting character and situation that draws me in. But I can't say I'm overwhelmed with it either. Inside brotherly thoughts? That confuses me. But I do like your last stanza:

Too tender to burst and subtle to fight
we sat on a blanket to talk
and an icy drop of dew
trickled down your flawless shell,
searching for a river of blood,
looking in vain for a river to join.
Except for the cliche of river of blood, it feels honest.

[SleepyWitch]

cheers :)
yeah, it sounded much better to me when I wrote it than it does now.:blush: , I'll stick to mock thingy then.. mock what was it..?
hey, I never claimed it was original, by the way :)

[SleepyWitch]

Except for the cliche of river of blood, it feels honest.

just a tiny little afterthough: what exactly do you mean by "honest"?